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Entry 1 of 336
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3/28/2008
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The Storm
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Thunder and lighting crashes in on this house where I am fighting. I lay in my bed screaming in emotional trauma , I feel all alone with nobody to listen . I hear the rain hit the tin roof, I hear the wind bang against the door. I crawl up in a ball of fear
asking the Lord to take away the pain that I can no longer bear. I think of my Son in heaven and my Boy off the coast and how I am a dad without a child to love, How I am a failure in all that I have ever done or tried to do. I think of one thing that I am good at, one thing I do well, One thing that will take this all away in an instant..That is the pipe full of white clouds, I am good at getting high. I know how to live that life and I am good at it too..I remember the nights in that porn booth, the nights smoking crystal when nothing hurt and there were no worries, no memories of broken dreams and unanswered prayers, when I was wanted for something, when my resume was not considered.. I would smoke and smoke until all the pain was erased and when it returned I would once again light up that skinny glass pipe..
Just writing these words makes me yearn for another hit, another turn. I try to do the right thing, I try to make the right choice, but I know the odds are against me in this fight, I know what I am and it is not what I was born to be, But it is my reality. I am an addict, I am a mental case, that is who I am and who I shall be.. or maybe, just maybe I could go the other way and be someone great, do something amazing, and not be lost in this prison in my mind and always chasing the next high. I still hear that thunder but the rain has ceased, maybe that means soon I can sleep and have some peace knowing that at this point I am not living on the street. Death, depression, poverty, addiction, and blankness fills me as I finish this up.. Sometimes I just don't want to give a fuck, but I do. I would not be where I am at if I did not think that I had a chance, a chance at what you ask, maybe this or that or who knows but if I did not have hope then I would still be on the streets of Cali looking for my dope. This time I may make it but I'm never sure , This time I see my ways and how I can be different for at least today.
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