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Entry 1 of 336
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3/29/2008
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Bedtime is the best time. (wrote last night )
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Feels sometimes like I do not exist and it is like I am not real. I have to do something cut or do something to see that I am really alive. People do not understand this but it is true. I just feel such blankness at times and it is like
I cannot muster any thoughts at all, I just want to escape so bad in those moments
I cannot even explain how emotionally suffocating these feelings are for me. The
feelings of not having any type of connection with myself makes me want to do anything to feel like I belong , I do not care what I belong to I just want to get out of me, out of this nothingness that is my mind, body, and soul. I cannot remember past events as they feel as if they never took place, I see the world pass me by and feel like an extra in a movie where my part is just a mere millisecond , the stars are treated with such glory as I am just ignored by all of the film's viewers. Physical pain makes me feel like I am here, emotional pain eats at me every moment of every day
I feel alone although I am surrounded by bodies, I feel empty although I constantly fill up with something, I feel like nothing although I try to be something, someone, anything or anyone. Joy is fleeting and pain lasts forever, there is no medicine for this pain, no IV that can drip a reliever into my veins, nothing to help ease the madness that fills my days. It has been 18 years of wishing, hoping that I could be someone great, do amazing things, and be important but nothing has come to fruition as of yet, opportunity has yet to knock at my door. Bedtime is the best time of the day, it is a time when I can cut my losses, when I can sleep and feel no pain, when I can enter a new and different world where I can recreate myself into whatever I wish to be through my dreams. So, until morning when the trauma shall return I say goodnight darkness, bring on peace and harmony.
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