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Entry 1 of 336
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3/30/2008
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Shit, here we go again..(last night post # 1 )
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What I feel right now is so difficult to go through and what makes it even more hard is the fact that I have no real support here where I live or at least no body that really understands what I am constantly going through. I feel so anxious, like I am going to jump out of my skin and explode . Part of this is the fact that my Psych medications have run out and there are severe physical and psychological withdrawal symptoms that go along with that as well as being without the medicines that I need to function or at least deal with life better. I just want to disappear and not deal with anyone or anything, Leo wants me to go to a family function tomorrow with her but I just cannot, I feel like I just want to lay in bed all day or bury myself in my computer and not talk to anyone, put on the fake smile, or any of that of which people expect. Mental illness here in Central America is real as it is anywhere but people do not recognize it as the seriousness that it is, There are no Therapists , mental clinics or hospitals, or treatment. To suffer from something like BPD , depression, and addiction issues such as I do and not have long term treatment one cannot function and life becomes a constant , painful struggle. So called normal people without these issues cannot understand this. I always try to explain Leo about my problems and why I act in certain ways buts he does not get it, and how could she as she has neither gone through it or known anyone who has
I feel like I need a drink or drug or to go in the hospital, I just cannot tolerate these thoughts , feelings, or any of it. Positive thinking does not work, people with BPD who do not have treatment are less powerful than their minds, they have the odds stacked against them and of course will try other methods to alleviate that pain. I hope I can get through this but right now I feel very, very bad and have no idea how to treat this.. I am having to be my own Doctor, therapist, social worker, and sponsor and that is not possible but what choice do I have. I just don't know what to do anymore, of course the moods come and go and things do feel better at times but the lows are chronically hopeless of late and nothing seems to work.
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