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Entry 1 of 336
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3/30/2008
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Exhausting Emotions ( last night post # 2 )
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I wanted this blog to be a place where I could give hope to those that suffer from this disorder that recovery is possible but as I fall apart before your very eyes I apologize for not being that voice of reason and inspiration. I hear people say to me that they are cured from BPD, I don't believe it as I know that there is no cure from this death sentence. I say to God ( if there is one ) as it is said in a song I am
listening to right now, 'Take me away, I have nothing left to say' I have seen it all and it is never, never enough. I sit here in pain, I slice the flesh to feel something besides this madness inside of me, Leo sits in the other room watching TV not understanding or seeing how I hurt. I told her to go to her Mom's house as I am about to act in ways that I want nobody to see and she said nothing. I want to write something positive but how can I if all I feel is pain and nothingness. I have so much to be grateful for but I am not, I just want to fuckin die sometimes, in some moments and this is one of those times. Maybe in five minutes I will be OK but now I feel like a sad lonely animal who is alone without his mother. I feel I will soon do what I have done so many times in the past and leave someone who was there for me, I need to leave Leo and be alone. I complain that everyone abandons me but then we someone gets too close I have to get away, I am such a nut. I already feel the madness fleeting but I know it will return, guess it is time to wash the blood from my arm and go spend some time with my puppy and maybe get some joy before the day ends and another lonely, sad day begins. How come some people live such rich, happy lives and others just feel such sadness and dread every waking moment ? I just want to be alone with my puppy and laptop and write, I want to write about all that I feel until I do not feel it anymore. These rage attacks, mood swings, and everything else I go through in my Borderline hell is so exhausting. I thought it was supposed to get easier and not harder, so far in this 11th day of my 33rd year it feels just like every other year, which is the same bullshit n craziness.
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