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Entry 1 of 336
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3/30/2008
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Today"s feelings yet again.
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Last night I lost it, first time in so long that I acted out in such ways, Leo did not know what to think but I warned her that this could happen. I feel so sad and out of it, like I am without what I need. I do not want to leave but feel that I cannot stay either. I feel the candle of my life is becoming dimmer and dimmer and soon it will be out. If I die and cannot go on will people forget about me or will I have some sort of legacy , I feel that I must find a reason to live or I cannot live anymore. I wish there was something someone could say that would erase each and every page that I have been through. I wish someone could save me from myself and the hell of what I feel each and every day . I know that they will still go on without me long after I am dead and gone but cannot accept that possibility however I have given up on life long ago, it is just that I have been unable to make the final choice to say goodbye to this world once and for all. I just want to feel normal, I want others to understand what I go through each and every day. I want something to jump out at me and save me from a dim , dim existence but nothing seems to do that. I go through ups and downs, I have some good times in life but of late I feel I am slipping away .
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