Living on the Border !!! - On my Alcoholism- JournalHome.com

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3/31/2008 - On my Alcoholism

If I forget that I am an alcoholic, addict, or any other of the problems that I have it is like forgetting my name or any of the defining parts of who I am because alcoholism is as much a part of who I am as my name or anything else and if I ever forget that I am an alcoholic, addict, fill in the blank then I might as well forget it all as I will be finished. These addictions have tried to kill me and almost have on many occasions and if I do not remember where my addiction takes me then I will end up right back there. The only way to change the world is to change yourself I heard once, the only time to do that is now as for those who have passed due to this disease there is no more change and there is no more now. The one thing that stands out to me that I have heard over and over in the program is ' Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path " Those words stand out to me as I have failed and relapsed so much and not be able to get it as I have never thoroughly seen this thing through, I have tried my way over and over again and from doing that I have had to do it over and over again. I have had to raise my hand stating that I am a newcomer countless times, gone through the pain of detox , and just gone through the misery that we all have endure, and the fact is that I did not have to and I do not have to anymore. Choosing to pick up again is choosing to be refunded that misery and going through it all over again. The essence of this disease is that we can't stand ourselves and until we learn how to love ourselves then we can't love anybody else. We can't give away what we don't have and we can't be anything until we let go absolutely . Letting go is something I cannot seem to do, but the truth is that if you just let go, don't worry about it and stay sober one day at a time then it all will work itself out, living one day at a time. The fact that we cannot stand ourselves molds us into the defective people that we become, what amazes me is that we ( alcoholics, addicts, etc ) have amazing gifts that we waste because we hate ourselves so much and choose that we cannot do anything good so we choose to go the other way and self destruct. We believe the lies that we and others tell ourselves about ourselves and by doing that we create our alcoholism and go down the path of pain and misery. How do we let go ? How does someone with deep seeded self hate, pain, and doubts who thinks that he can do no good and the chance of doing something different, something better is not possible put down the drink, walk away from the pipe and choose to let go and try something different ? Life is painful, unfair, and sometimes pure misery but life is also what we make of it, how we view who we are determines what we do, how we live, and the choices we make. Alcoholism is not about alcohol, the booze and drugs is just a symptom of a greater problem and that is us, we have these feelings that we are not good enough, that we can never measure up, and that all we can do to escape the internal madness is to drink, drug, or run away from ourselves. When will I learn that I cannot escape who I am, I cannot drink or drug enough that will make it all better, in fact I have been shown that it makes it worse. I have to look at the bigger picture and see that I am an alcoholic, I am an addict, I have these character defects and ways about me that make my life unmanageable but if I can let go of my way, don't drink or drug no matter what, and work on myself from the inside out one day at a time then there is hope. I often wonder what my purpose is and what good I can do and I know that I only have to do two things to have lived a life of purpose, I have to stay clean and sober and not harm myself in any way one day at a time and I have to carry the message so that I can help others like me achieve sobriety and find their own purpose in life. Everything else is icing on the cake. I will have moments when I wanna drink or drug, when my disease lies to em and tries to kill me, when I feel unworthy and like a piece of shit but I must remember at these times that God let me live for a reason and if I am sober today then I am a success. Saying goodbye is hard but possible if we believe that the life we miss is not really a life at all.