Living on the Border !!! - Was it that bad ?- JournalHome.com

Living on the Border !!! - Was it that bad ?- JournalHome.com Living on the Border !!!

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4/1/2008 - Was it that bad ?

Was it really that bad ? Was my addiction and using that much pain ? If I have to ask that question then we know what the answer is don't we ? I never am able to stop once I start and the saying one is too many and a thousand is never enough speaks of me more than I can explain. I will examine some of the memories of my drinking and using , some of them as my memory is not all that well of those times. • The first period was the Everett period, hanging out with Clay and all of his younger friends ( I was 18 and they all were 14-16 ) drinking 40 oz malt beers playing street hockey, having all night parties , and so forth. Many nights getting so smashed that I did not remember where I was, later we included Crown royal rum and I often got sick beyond belief. I later moved in with some of these kids and we lived in a house that was booze central, not many sober days back then. • During that same period I later started hanging out with Clay's other group of friends and those were the hippies , that is when I first tried drugs ( 18 or 19 ) I started smoking weed with them and later started with LSD and would do that every once and awhile but soon it became several times per week. I would do it only when someone else had it but later I would but it and do it whenever I could . I later started going to NYC with my friend Juan and did Coke for the first time as well as Special K (Ketamine ) and Ecstasy. I would then go to the gay bars in Boston and find coke and do it whenever I could , the LSD use continued with Clay's friend Josh and through this whole time I drank regularly . • I had no real consequences from my using , I would get hangovers from my drinking binges and been worn down from my drug use but no hospitals yet, depression was not that bad, no financial or other negative aspects and addiction was not clear or at least not on the surface yet. • Montreal ventures was the next period, several times over next 4 or 5 years I would go to Montreal and party, doing coke and going to peep shows, drinking heavily on my bar hopping tours, having blackouts and going to hospital on a few occasions for chest pains. This is when the consequences began. • During marriage I did LSD on many occasions with ex wife and I also went back to Montreal for the sole purpose of partying, often leaving my responsibilities. When we moved to Florida with our son I got responsible again but only briefly , I again started drinking again after work nightly, driving home drunk every night and vomiting afterwards, many hangovers, lost jobs, money wasted, etc. I neglected my family and drown my marital problems in alcohol. I would do poppers often while watching porn and would have headaches and breathing problems . • After my divorce I drank even more, more driving drunk, more blackouts , and other consequences. I did meth for first time in many years ( there was a time back in LA when married that I did coke and meth often ) I started doing more coke and had many times where I went to hospital for chest pains . I later went to Boston after a few failed relationships . •Back in Boston period was a lot of continued drinking, more consequences from such and a few times doing coke which led to more chest pains and breathing problems. i drank everyday for months. would get drunk and go have sex with many men. • Went to Hawaii where the pattern of daily drinking binges coupled with popper use at bath house continued . • I then went to Texas where it all came crashing down, I had consequences but never knew that it was a problem. It never came crashing down like this. I started looking for coke and bought crack on street for several nights, I went to ER in ambulance for six or seven straight nights. I started getting coke at gay bars and from people at work and did it all the time and doing it at bath houses and at home, going to hospital and doing it again. I lost my apartment, job, and more. I went to my first meetings here in Austin in 2005 and then ran away to San Francisco as I remembered doing Meth there and figured I could do less drugs and stay higher longer. •In SF I continued to do Meth and became homeless and was using all the time, I found NA and then CMA and AA and met some great people in recovery but it was almost two years of relapses and madness. I ended up in psych ward after using over 20 times, rehabs, ER over and over, lost it all and let lots of people down. I went to Utah thinking it would be better and the drinking started again and more of the same. went back to SF and was back on Meth. I left SF to get away from meth and have relapsed on coke in Costa Rica and alcohol on a few occasions here in Nicaragua, returned to SF and started with meth again, more of the same bullshit. Now I have 36 days clean and sober and question if my addiction is for real, if I am really an addict or if it was really that bad.. do I need more proof, more research ?? I don't know, I guess I have had enough, I mean I think the fun has ceased . I feel drugs in my lungs and alcohol on my tongue although I am clean and sober.. Will I stay in the solution or will I fall yet again...Times hall tell.