Living on the Border !!! - The nightly crisis

Living on the Border !!! - The nightly crisis - JournalHome.com Living on the Border !!!

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4/12/2008 - The nightly crisis

I blame others for my problems and my moments of crisis but it is ME that creates my own hell and me that must lie in that bed I made , I hurt others and it kills me . I am not sure what to do , I am in such emotional crisis and feel I am falling apart more and more and it all manifests itself in my relationship.. I come and go and say I am leaving but then beg her not to leave. I yell at her and throw things but moments later I forget the whole thing ever happened.. I feel I am about to blow up all the time and it is over nothing, sure she doesen't respond when I say I am suicidal or tell her how I feel but I know none of this is her fault and it is a result of this damn crazy disorder I have been punished with. These blowups feel so awful and I cannot stand them, they turn me from this sweet, caring awesome guy into this hurtful, off the wall crazy, suicidal loon . I cannot stop myself when I burn the bridges, hurt those that I love , and just lose touch with reality and it is damn scary.
I will be fine in 10, 20 , or 30 minutes but now I am a mess and driving her away which is my intention and greatest fear all in one.

Help me, someone please help me , I am falling apart and no one is here to help me , I need an escape from this madness, please make it stop ??

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Just as I was writing this I took a time out to cut myself (could not resist the urge ) and then tried to explain it all to my Girl and then moments later I felt the crazy tantrum and crisis begin to fade and now I am OK although I need to sleep now before the next one starts up, which could be at any given moment.