Living on the Border !!! - More on discovering who I am

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4/12/2008 - More on discovering who I am

Who am I seems to be the common theme of my life of late and so I ask, who in fact am I? What is my destiny? What defines me? These questions are so hard to answer so I may not be successful in my efforts but as I have done before I will try my best.

What do I want to do with the rest of my life ?

® I would like to stabilize myself in every way and then start a writing career, maybe some political projects, and go back to college within the next year where I would like to study Psychology and work towards my B.A. Then when I graduate I would like to pursue a career in addiction medicine either by being a drug counselor or by going to medical school to pursue a medical degree so I can advance further in my career.

® I would like to play some kind of organized sport, even if it is for fun only, I would like to workout and get in shape and be healthy. I would love to travel more and see the world, maybe even pursue a career in freelance photographer as well as freelance writing. I guess just balance my life out in several areas.

What defines me ? If someone were asked to describe me and my character then what would they say ??

® I would describe myself as a compassionate, sweet, smart person full of desires and passions with a significant amount of pain and obstacles that stand in my way but someone who has great potential if he can just out of his own way.

1. I am a Bostonian and thus a passionate Boston sports fan, I live and die by Boston sports and feel it says a lot about my faith and passion.
2. I am a friend, father, husband, and child with many hopes and dreams, with compassion for mankind and for the world as a whole.
3. I am a world traveler and explorer of knowledge and far places.
4. I am a survivor of Addiction and many mental health issues.
5. I am the thing that is such a big part of me, the passion in my soul but the thing that nobody accepts in our society so this is a secret of my core only known by a select few.
6. I am special and unique, that could be good and / or bad.

For so long I thought I was defined by who I was with, what I did, or who the world wanted me to be but am slowly learning that I am not defined by anything but what lies deep within me, the passion, pain, and desires that are part of me are Who I am. I often feel for example that without drugs and alcohol I am nothing, I have no self, I used Meth for so long that it truly did define me as a person and that is because it was all I did and my actions whole using that evil, nasty drug felt like they were me but were they really
Or was it the drug talking? I guess the same can be said for my mental disorders and Bpd in particular, Are my actions me or are they attached to these disorders and mental defects? Something to be explored I think.

What drives me? What motivates me?

I am driven by the desire to be successful financially and in general, to help others and fight for causes I believe in. Here are a few of what those things are and how they make me feel, if I am able to keep such motivation and drive then I can move forward and discover my purpose in life.

® Money drives me, the desire to be financially stable and financially successful, to build something successful, a business or something of that sort.
® The desire to help others motivates me and causes me to continue on, whether it is animals or addicts, or the homeless, people in prison that deserve a second chance, or whatever. To help others is more important than money or anything else, it touches that spot in my soul. I need to be able to help others and give back.
® People who tell me I can never be anything or something I want is not possible or any other negative message that they convey is difficult to hear but it drives me to fight and keep on going.
® Motivational speakers, Spiritual speakers, and hearing of people who have overcome surmountable circumstances to be and do great things motivate me to try and overcome my own.
® The fact that I am still alive and can still have a chance to rise above.

Who I am Not !

® A hater or violent person
® A criminal
® Stupid or uneducated
® Conservative
® A quitter (As of today)

Learning who I am is a process that will take a long time, in fact being a lifelong journey but the fact that I am willing to look at what I have done and where I have been and try to rediscover myself even amongst all the hardship I am going through is an amazing feat. This is just the tip of the ice burg in discovering who I am and there is sure more to come in the future. I have good and bad and undiscovered that lies within me and I have done things that I hope I will never do again and want to do things I have yet to try and having said that I have pain, lots of pain and some joy in my life as well, but the game is not over yet and I just may have an undiscovered trick up my sleeve yet, It is not over yet, as Long as I am breathing then I got a new chance on a new day.. Got to keep believing that I can learn more about whom I am each and very day and move forward.