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Entry 1 of 332
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4/14/2008
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Years of lost hopes
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Years of dreams dreamt and dreams that were never to be , People who came and who left and did not even say goodbye . Pain and agony that left me bruised and battered but yet I got up again dusted off my pants and moved on . I just kept going despite all that knocked me down upon each try. There comes a point when you are tired of trying and more so of failing, tired of the pain and dreaming of something better but what is never to be, Tired of getting hurt and hurting others.. Just tired , plain and simple . I now am 33 and although I have a superstition for double numbers I see no more hope in this new year than I did in the others , I expect more of the same , I get hope and inspiration but it does not last long and soon I am left to be feeling those same negative feelings and sitting in my pity pot. What Now many ask ?? Gee , I don't know. I just wanna get better but I feel far worse now at 33 than I did in my younger years when my mental health problems just had started, I feel like I am falling apart more and more each day and I cannot seem to pull it together, feeling sad and lonely and this pain I cannot bear .. Yet where is my help / The only help I had ( drugs ) I chose to abandon in hopes I would get better and yet what has changed, I am dry but I am miserable and sad. Bpd is what I am , Bpd is what I do , and yet Bpd is killing me and my relationships. |
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