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Entry 1 of 336
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4/16/2008
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Falling apart..
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I am falling apart and cannot seem to hold on or pull myself back together. I hurt those that I love and nobody can save me , I burn bridges and cannot do anything right yet I am FORCED to put up with myself and stay alive. I act so angry and take it all out on those closest to me yet if they could see down in my soul past the anger and rage then they would see all of the pain and hurt behind that anger. I hurt so much right now and do not know what to do, I just cannot do this on my own any longer, it is unbearable. I was at the bar tonight drinking my Coke and watching the game and watched all of the groups of people having fun ( or so it seemed ) and there I was all alone at my table; feeling lonely, sad, and like a loser. I feel afraid of people, afraid of myself, and the world as a whole and there is nothing that can take away such feelings , Nothing ! I hurt my Fiance and everyone else that loves me , I do not want to hurt anyone nor be hurt by anyone any longer, I just want it all to go away but what can make it better ? I really have lost hope and I am just here waiting for another day to come and go, not doing anything valuable with my days or my life; so damn sad and hopeless . I just do not see the point anymore , why do I try to change things when NOTHING ever changes. I know people that love me will say to me , ‘ Keep going, you can make it’ and other positive things but they do not feel what I feel , they do not live with the feeling of wishing you were never born and brought into this cruel , disappointing world, I do . |
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4/16/2008
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when life stops!
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| pain and suffering are luggage that you have to carry all your life, people with a nagging conscience will feel like this more often than self centered people. even though you will accuse your self of being selfish every now and then. I gave up on life long time ago; you have a fiance, i have a husband and 3 beautiful kids, a nice home and still, i feel like I'm sitting there watching my life from the outside, nothing make sense and everything is worthless. I'm waiting for something, god knows what it is. things will change, good things will happen one day. if people around you are getting hurt because they are around you and they still there, they deserve respect, if you love them tell them and make them feel it and if you don't they deserve the truth even if it's going to hurt for a little while. |
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