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Entry 1 of 338
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4/18/2008
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Frustrations again and taking it out of others.
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I am so angry this morning because I need to have Internet access at home and Leo ( my Gf ) does not seem to get how important it is that this happen and happen now, I tell her to work on it all day and to try different things, this is her country with her language and she can do things I cannot but no, she says I need to do other things and she says she has tried all that she can and this pisses me off, I told her that if it does not happen by Monday then I cannot stay here any longer, there are certain things I need to take care of myself and I need what I need when I need it, not later. I just feel so angry, frustrated, and upset. I just don’t get it, I do not want to be with her anymore, well maybe I do cause I cannot imagine leaving her as I do care about her but when she kisses me I pull away and when she does not do what I want and need I get angry and blame her, I know this is not her fault but I am helpless here and have no therapy, medicines, or nothing so having Internet at home IS my medicine.. I do not wanna go out everyday to use my computer, it is why I get scratches on it and such; all the rude people who bang into me with my laptop bag and such, being around all the drunk people, etc. I just am so frustrated right now It is dangerous how damn angry I am , right now I wish she would leave me; I am trying to make her leave me; I just wanna be all fucking alone , I think I actually do want this. Just moments after I wrote this I found Leo ( Gf ) crying and I had not realized how I had hurt her; I had forgot today is the 2 month anniversary of Brady’s ( our son ) death.. of course she is upset and she is showing it by being angry and cleaning , I guess I should consider the feelings over others but it is hard when I am going through it .. |
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