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Entry 1 of 320
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4/18/2008
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Mourning
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I mourn so much it seems , I mourn the loss of my child of course the most but then I mourn the loss of my addiction to Crystal Meth as crazy as it sounds as well as the Sexual addiction that went along with it and the life that I lived; I mourn San Francisco and Boston as well as all of the other places I lived in. I mourn for my Patriots who lost the Super Bowl; I mourn , I mourn, and mourn more. I hate my Bpd but do not know what I would do without it, I mean it is such a part of my daily life; almost like a best friend that hurts me but is also always there by my side. I feel it is a part of me that makes me up as a whole person and yes of course it causes much destruction in my life but I again would be lost if I was suddenly cured; who would I be and what would I do ? What would then define me ?? I speak of mourning San Francisco because I went through so much in that city and have so many memories ; I grew up in Boston but SF really played a major role in my past, it was where my addictions really took off, where I ended up homeless and hit some real bottoms , where my Bpd really molded itself but also where I made many friends, where I learned a lot about who I am and where I did enjoy some really nice times as well. I do not know if I can ever return there though; the Meth and sex memories are so strong and right there fresh in my mind that I would not be able to forget , I mean I left SF three times and returned only to fall back into the grasp that Meth had on my life and the darkness that resulted from those falls. Life is about mourning, loss, and grief but for some reason it seems it is more for me; I seem to lose constantly and to always be mourning and it does get old after awhile; I even mourn things before I lose them as I am always expecting to lose the things dear to me, now Because of the scratch on my computer screen I am fearful that I will lose this awesome thing soon as well, so the pre mourning process has begun. I hope this does not come to fruition but nothing shocks me anymore. |
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