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Entry 1 of 320
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4/20/2008
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Hopelessly stuck .
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I never sleep, I avoid the spots that make me weak; I wanna be OK but don’t know how ; I wanna be alive but feel so dead. I hurt and thus hurt others; do not wanna be this way anymore; do not wanna put on the fake smile or pretend I am something that I am not; I am alone in my defeat; alone in this pain but it feels so normal; I guess I am just used to it. How does one get used to pure misery ? Used to being a constant failure ? I guess I have gotten used to it because if not then I would have offed myself a long time ago wouldn’t I ?? I wish there was an easy way out of the pain but there does not seem to be ; I falling in and out of the pain just as I fall in and out of love; I try to feel better, live up to the expectations of me and yet I can never fill the holes that I keep ; can never find the right words, solutions , or whatever ..but continuously come up empty handed and thus empty . I ask for God to refine me and give me hope yet again; I want a new life, a second chance , and new Life as this one is not working for me ; the obsessive worries, the deep, dark depression, and the brokenness just is too much for me and I need to feel something else ; I need to be someone else; someone, Bigger and better than who I am now. I wanna keep going, to be an inspiration to others ( it is why I made this blog ) and to overcome but I am starting to think that I just do not have it in me to overcome these obstacles and hardships within me ; People lie to me and tell me it is going to be OK yet have no idea that is true nor facts that back up such promises and they also cannot change how I am ; they cannot take away my Bpd, Bipolar, addictions, or shortcomings ; so how can they tell me that everything is going to be just fine ?? They cannot. People do not understand that I have this face I cannot show ( not Bpd but something the world considers much darker ) so I make the rules up as I go and do my best; there is so much wrong with me ; defects of character for someone who feels like he has no character ; ways I cannot change and ways that destroy me .. I feel empty but now have no alcohol, no drugs, no new loves to take it all away ; I have wonderful people in my life but they cannot take away the pain that rips through my soul like a level five twister ; I just wanna be happy but feel more and more like that will never happen so I am left standing here tired, worn out, and just clueless as to what is next . I do not know what to do now; do I keep trying or do I throw in the towel and say; ‘ I gave it my all but cannot do it anymore ‘ , Don’t answer that question. The Sleeping feel NO more pain ; but the Living are Scarred. |
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