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Entry 1 of 332
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6/1/2008
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Life goes on
There has been so much going on lately in my life, I am not sure where to start but I will give it a go. I have been going through my normal ups and downs and life has been the usual roller coaster ride for me but some other things have been happening too that add to the mayhem. Leo ( my fiancé, Gf, Wife ?? ) has been going through some tough times, you know with losing the baby and all and has been worse of late and has taken it out on me, she won't talk unless she is yelling at me about my puppy who is bad sometimes, but he is a puppy you know. I am very ambivalent about what I want and what is next for me. Do I want to stay in the relationship with her, is it right for me ? Or is it time to move on ? I am ambivalent about lots of things and things are hard, I am trying to make money online but nothing yet and that is frustrating but I try to have faith in the lord, who keeps me going. I do have 94 days of sobriety now which is something amazing for sure. Bpd consumes me and makes life so very hard, relationships are not something I am good with, My illness is most evident in personal relationships and I usually go and sabotage them, sometimes intentionally and sometimes not, but they always seem to go down the toilet . Right now I am nervous because we are in the middle of a Hurricane here in Nicaragua and I am afraid my satellite on the roof for my internet access will fall down just like all of the trees that have already fallen. So, as you can see there is lots going on but the one thing have to remember is it is not in my control, I am powerless over some of these things and the only thing I am not powerless over is my attitude, although some times it does not feel like it. Life is hard but I can make it, whether or not that is true I have to believe and keep pushing on, I have been through and survived worse than this
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