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Entry 1 of 332
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6/20/2008
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Another update on my life
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My trip to see my dear friend in Florida was very, very nice and it was a joy to see him and also get away from the stresses of life that I have at home , I was able to go to some meetings, have some nice dinners with my friend , and also reflect on a lot of where I am going and where I have been, do I have an idea of what I want out of my life and my future ? Of course I have an idea, several in fact but I am not sure what to choose as I have such a hard time making decisions at all and especially ones that affect the important areas of my life. I know that I am Bisexual and need to explore that ( clean and sober ) but I love my woman and do not want to hurt her ; but have to ask myself if staying with her is who I am and if it is not then it is not fair to myself nor her to stick around, I seem to always do this ( Bpd or not , who knows ) and get involved in serious relationships with women and then later realize that I am not being who I am and thus it creates more struggles and difficulties for myself and the other people involved. So, here I am 116 days clean and sober but also feeling very ambivalent about that as well, missing the old life as awful as it was and although still clean I feel that I am in relapse mode and not sure what to do about it, I know I want to stay clean and sober as I know that is my only chance to live a happier and successful life but miss that life for some reason, I assume the sex is why but all in all it is confusing and scary. How is my Bpd treating me ? I have many struggles as always but the blowups and moments of crisis are less and less but the stinking thinking of the illness is there all of the time and quite dangerous at times. It is a constant battle and to make matters worse my Dog is very sick, my little puppy who is my medicine, hope, and life is sick and sad and that hurts me so much. I guess I am doing the best that I can but wonder what waits for me in the future, which way will I go ? |
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