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Entry 1 of 336
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6/25/2008
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Going through it again
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As hard as I try to have things be easier I continue to struggle with life and how to manage other people's attitudes and expectations. I feel stable on my meds but with no therapy and not much support it comtinues to be a struggle. I am starting a diet so I can model and get back in that life in early 2009 , will that lead to me using again ? I sure hope not but it certainly can I know, so I must be careful and take care of my recovery. I have 120 days clean and sober today and that is amazing for me but think about using again all of the time and the insanity of addiction still lives in me even though I am not activley using. My dog was deathly sick but now is better thank god. My fiance does not understand me and although I care for her and do love her, I realize that I am having more and more gay feelings and may be Gay after all, but do not know what I want - her or my freedom. I cannot imagine breaking her heart but I am confused and just dealing with a lot. Sometimes I just wish I could disappear and not deal with anyone or anything, the pressures or expectations, and just be alone ... So here I am fighting through with no sponsor, no therapy , or anything - I am doing my best but sometimes I ask myself ' Why bother ? '.
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