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5/7/2008 - Update - sorry I have been AWOL
Posted in Unspecified


How am I doing ? OK, I suppose but things are still hard, often do feel isolated and alone, fearful, sad, and angry. I am doing my best though.. Have 72 days clean and sober now; new record by almost two weeks. Not sure who I am or what I want but I am doing my best to get through. Just spending my days writing and playing with my pup.. You guys wanna see my little guy ? Here is a pic of him when he was smaller; he is a monster now but he helps me .

p.s. - If you all have time , go check out my Squidoo pages - beend oing lots of cool blogging over there, http://www.squidoo.com/lensmasters/BostonRob


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5/3/2008 - Update on happenings
Posted in Unspecified


Been out of the loop trying to make some money and get some distraction on squidoo and it is going OK although no money has come my way as of yet. I had a pretty OK day but now feel the mood swings and crash coming on. My Puppy is a handful and I had a fight with guy in street but I have 68 days clean and sober and am alive; guess that has to count for something.
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5/1/2008 - Does it ever get easier ?
Posted in Unspecified


I wonder if it does, I mean I start to feel OK and them BAM; the roof caves in on me again. I was feeling excited this morning and like writing and being productive and then I just crashed, like I am right now . Of course it does not help that my Wife is angry and banging stuff around, yelling at the puppy, etc, I just wanna feel totally fine for just one day, why can't this be ? Does it ever get better ??
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4/30/2008 - My BPD Lens
Posted in Unspecified


Been blogging or(lensing as they may call it) on squidoo of late and it is addicting, and Fun. I made a BPD Lens there and thought I would put it up here for all my readers to check out. The graphics are better and rather than a personal whining board like i have here it is to inform and help people become aware of BPD.. http://www.squidoo.com/bpdisreal
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4/29/2008 - Sorry I have been MIA
Posted in Unspecified


Sorry guys I have not wrote in a few days, been busy with other blogs and life in general, life always does seem to get in the way dosen't it ?
I am struggling still, as always but am trying to cope; having a computer at home helps tremendously as it does get me out of my head ( sometimes) but another piece that will help soon hopefully is having meds again and I hope they work.. BPD is such a major part of my life I am not sure what I would do without it, who would i be then ??   Good news today is 64 days clean and sober and on the path to recovery, so I hope.
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4/26/2008 - Closing thoughts before bed..
Posted in Unspecified


Leave me I say but then minutes later beg you to stay ; You  go outside of the room and I feel that you are gone forever ..Tell me you love me and I struggle to see it's truth .. I fear the worst but hope for the best ; this illness consumes me and tears me apart, it defines me yet at same time undermines me - I just cannot see a way out but write my heart out; please help me or at least lend an ear ..I need your support and understanding and if at all possible love as well.  This game called life has gone into overtime and the team that scores first wins; will it be me at last or BPD again?
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4/25/2008 - First post in a few days..
Posted in Unspecified


Did not write yesterday but enjoying my new Internet at home on my Mac; hardly leave the house..I had a rough few days with no or little sleep but got some good rest last night; sleep is so very important as without it I am a mess. Leo is so angry all of the time and always seems to be directed at me; this makes me so much more depressed and empty. Wish she would either stop this or leave. I am about to go have a shower, eat some lunch and go swimming ( even though I can't swim ) to celebrate my 60th day clean and sober - a first for me.
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4/23/2008 - Why do people Yell at me ?
Posted in Unspecified


I am sick and tired of people hurting me; dismissing my problems as not important and yelling at me and my Dog, not understanding that I need help and can't do this on my own; I wanna be OK but she always brings me down - Part of me just wishes she would go and leave me alone but part does not - I thought having Internet would fix everything but it has not and I still wanna escape this pain that I feel and have no help for..
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4/23/2008 - Sleeplessness and Insomnia
Posted in Unspecified


I got Internet at home today which is great and will really help; although I still feel awful, I guess I do need meds after all and soon as I am cracking here; I keep trying to fill up with other stuff and nothing works , I keep feeling lost and empty. I want to use this opportinuty to write and maybe do some positive things for myself and the world at large ..If I can just get out of my own way. I only slept 3 hours last nights o maybe that is why I am a mess, and the fact that Leo is acting all angry at me and my puppy; I cannot handle when people are angry at me , I just cannot..
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4/22/2008 - A rare Bipolar day
Posted in Unspecified


Today is turning into a bipolar day; I for the first time in weeks am having one of those manic high days and Feel off the wall enthusiasm . It is dangerous for me to feel this way as what goes up must come down. I was down this morning but after moving into the new apartment I feel such enthusiasm but Even as I write this I feel the crash coming on; I hope I can minimize the downward spiral; worried about Money but I should have enough to pay all the bills for the next two months and get caught up as well as save some money for myself.

So, as with most days the Borderline symptoms are most evident ; today Bipolar is active and although I have felt OK up to now; I truly feel I am crashing and very fast I am doing so. I wish there was a way to have balance and feel right in the middle; instead it is always  either very high or very low and it drives me nuts. I truly do feel even in the course of writing this blog entry like I am free falling into the depths of depression; Oh how I need Medicine now to counter these mood swings .
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4/21/2008 - There IS some hope inside of me still.
Posted in Unspecified


I know that if I can dig deep down within me and also have the proper tools like Internet at home, meds, and therapy then I can do great things, go many places, and help so many others who suffer as well. I know that I can be an activist for causes I believe in and go back yo school and be someone great oen day-I just have to overcome my illnesses that keep me stuck; not an easy task but I must keep trying and not throw in the towel; hard as my illness tells my constantly that I am guarenteed to fail.
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4/21/2008 - It is always Raining in my head.
Posted in Unspecified


I try to be the man that I am ; in times of my brokenness, shattered dreams and plans . I stand up to fight the pressures and demons; staring at the knife as I hold it in my hand ; Will I still be alive ??  I fear I will not , as the pain is just too much - I cannot get through it this time I feel.  My dreams are fading , and no one can save me . I am clueless as what to do next ;  there is no help for me , no escapes anymore and all I have is me looking down at the cuts I just drew on my arm; adding to the road map of my pain and hurt.  I  do want my life, I do not want to die ; at least not like this and not now.

I feel I can never get out of this place I am stuck and I feel so alone ; nobody here to talk with, chat online with, or nothing; just me and my destructive thoughts ; I feel so much better when I am online or doing something that distracts me from me ; and all the Bullshit that goes on within me all of the time.  Who can I tell my troubles to; someone that won’t laugh at me ; someone who will listen and care about what I have to say and what I feel .  I guess I will Go now and call a suicide hotline back in the states since there is no other way I can get help..
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4/20/2008 - Trying to push on through..
Posted in Unspecified


Trying to feel better today; yesterday was very suicidal and that really scared me as I felt I really did not care if I died. As for today, I feel down but trying to be hopeful; instead of whining about my problems I attempted to take action and go and look for new place where I can have internet and try to start to do things to feel better; I honestly feel that although I need long term treatment ; if I can have access at home so I can work and reach out for support online, get proper meds, and do two sessions a month with English speaking Psych Doc in town then maybe I can feel better and stick it out here.. This is my goal .
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4/20/2008 - Hopelessly stuck .
Posted in Unspecified


I never sleep, I avoid the spots that make me weak; I wanna be OK but don’t know how ; I wanna be alive but feel so dead.
I hurt and thus hurt others; do not wanna be this way anymore; do not wanna put on the fake smile  or pretend I am something
that I am not; I am alone in my defeat; alone in this pain but it feels so normal; I guess I am just used to it.  How does one get
used to pure misery ? Used to being a constant failure ?  I guess I have gotten used to it because if not then I would have offed myself a long time
ago wouldn’t I ??  I wish there was an easy way out of the pain but there does not seem to be ; I falling in and out of the pain just as I fall in
and out of love; I try to feel better, live up to the expectations of me and yet I can never fill the holes that I keep ; can never find the right words,
solutions , or whatever ..but continuously come up empty handed and thus empty .

I ask for God to refine me and give me hope yet again; I want  a new life, a second chance , and new Life as this one is not working for me ; the obsessive worries,
the deep, dark depression, and the brokenness just is too much for me and I need to feel something else ; I need to be someone else; someone, Bigger and better
than who I am now. I wanna keep going, to be an inspiration to others ( it is why I made this blog ) and to overcome but I am starting to think that I just do not
have it in me to overcome these obstacles and hardships within me ; People lie to me and tell me it is going to be  OK  yet have no idea that is true nor facts that back up such promises and they also cannot change how I am ; they cannot take away my Bpd, Bipolar, addictions, or shortcomings ; so how can they tell me that everything is
going to be just fine ??  They cannot.

People do not understand that I have this face I cannot show ( not Bpd but something the world considers much darker ) so I make the rules up as I go and do my best; there is so much wrong with me ; defects of character for someone who feels like he has no character ; ways I cannot change and ways that destroy me .. I feel empty but now have no alcohol, no drugs, no new loves to take it all away ; I have wonderful people in my life but they cannot take away the pain that rips through my soul like a level five twister ; I just wanna be happy but feel more and more like that will never happen so I am left standing here tired, worn out, and just clueless as to what is next .  I do not know what to do now; do I keep trying or do I throw in the towel and say; ‘ I gave it my all but cannot do it anymore ‘ , Don’t answer that question.

          The Sleeping feel NO more pain ; but the Living are Scarred.
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4/19/2008 - Yeah, more B.S.
Posted in Unspecified


I feel so empty now, I feel so hopeless..  I do not know what to do, what have I become ?? My soul cannot withstand all of this pain and nothingness ; all of this agony..

I am so very sad, I do not want to be but here I am.  I just wanna jump out of myself- I do not wanna leave Nicaragua ; nor fall apart and go back to the life of drugs or alcohol; let Leo and everyone else down but I am so very lost- The things I need to help me get better are not available so I say this- I am trying but looks like I am gonna come up short.

People say it will get better and this too will pass - they can't say that, they do not know that ? Some never get better.
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4/19/2008 - More pain and dissapointment
Posted in Unspecified


I cannot seem to fall asleep ; worries about this computer, money, Internet access, new house, etc . is keeping me awake with racing thoughts, obsessions and etc . I wanna keep going and fix the actual problems and get rid of the needless worries but cannot seem to do that; I feel like saying screw it and not even bother anymore as it just is too hard sometimes , I just don’t wanna try anymore . I just lay here with thought after thought and unable to just stop my mind and enjoy silence . I don’t even know what else to say right now ; I am at a loss of words even though I am not at a loss of thoughts . I hope my sleeping pill kicks in soon cause I need to just quiet my mind , I hope I can get through my feelings and obsessions that consume my every second ,  Who said life in sobriety would be easy ? 54 days now but feel like it’s day number one .


That was last night and Today is no better; I feel depressed and hopeless and like I just wanna go back to bed and sleep the day away- I wanna watch the hockey game and all but I just am so frustrated and wondering why do I fuckin try when everything falls apart anyway. I cannot take it anymore, the things that seem so simple and could provide with relief are not available to me and that is killing me.
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4/18/2008 - Mourning
Posted in Unspecified


I mourn so much it seems , I mourn the loss of my child of course the most but then I mourn the loss of my addiction to Crystal Meth as crazy as it sounds as well as the Sexual addiction that went along with it and the life that I lived; I mourn San Francisco and Boston as well as all of the other places I lived in. I mourn for my Patriots who lost the Super Bowl; I mourn , I mourn, and mourn more.

I hate my Bpd but do not know what I would do without it, I mean it is such a part of my daily life; almost like a best friend that hurts me but is also always there by my side.  I feel it is a part of me that makes me up as a whole person and yes of course it causes much destruction in my life but I again would be lost if I was suddenly cured; who would I be and what would I do ?  What would then define me ??

I speak of mourning San Francisco because I went through so much in that city and have so many memories ; I grew up in Boston but SF really played a major role in my past, it was where my addictions really took off, where I ended up homeless and hit some real bottoms , where my Bpd really molded itself but also where I made many friends, where I learned a lot about who I am and where I did enjoy some really nice times as well. I do not know if I can ever return there though; the Meth and sex memories are so strong and right there fresh in my mind that I would not be able to forget , I mean I left SF three times and returned only to fall back into the grasp that Meth had on my life and the darkness that resulted from those falls.

Life is about mourning, loss, and grief but for some reason it seems it is more for me; I seem to lose constantly and to always be mourning and it does get old after awhile; I even mourn things before I lose them as I am always  expecting to lose the things dear to me, now Because of the scratch on my computer screen I am fearful that I will lose this awesome thing soon as well, so the pre mourning process has begun. I hope this does not come to fruition but nothing shocks me anymore.
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4/18/2008 - Gotta have faith, somehow .
Posted in Unspecified


Laying here writing, waiting for my Spaghetti to cook and then I will eat before bed; food has become such a drug for me as well, I use food to mood alter now in the same way that I used drugs, alcohol, and sex in past. I know it is not healthy but what is the lesser of two evils ?  I listen to this religious sermon that maybe can motivate me to grow and go for what I want and need. I have such pain and negativity , such hopelessness and  fear . I feel so defeated and angry and like it just is not worth it but I know that God, yes God ; has a better plan for me than the negative defeatism that I am so accustomed to . I just have to believe and have faith that I can do it, I can make it and yes; God has so much in store for me . Satan wants me to give up, he wants me to feel worthless and not good enough but I have to push on. I just finished my Spaghetti now and am about to sleep;  I have lost faith a lot of late and wonder if there is a God sometimes but the mere fact that I am alive and still here trying shows me that no things are not perfect but God is here with me and is not yet done with me; I may be down and in the dumps now but I have great things in my future .  I wanna believe, I wanna overcome ; and if I just wake up each day and try then it is all possible and Bpd or not I can and will do great things and be OK. 
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4/18/2008 - Frustrations again and taking it out of others.
Posted in Unspecified


 I am so angry this morning because I need to have Internet access at home and Leo ( my Gf ) does not seem to get how important it is that this happen and
              happen now, I tell her to work on it all day and to try different things, this is her country with her language and she can do things I cannot but no, she says I need
               to do other things and she says she has tried all that she can and this pisses me off, I told her that if it does not happen by Monday then I cannot stay here
               any longer, there are certain things I need to take care of myself and I need what I need when I need it, not later. I just feel so angry, frustrated, and upset.
              I just don’t get it, I do not want to be with her anymore, well maybe I do cause I cannot imagine leaving her as I do care about her but when she kisses me I
              pull away and when she does not do what I want and need I get angry and blame her, I know this is not her fault but I am helpless here and have no therapy,
               medicines, or nothing so having Internet at home IS my medicine..  I do not wanna go out everyday to use my computer, it is why I get scratches on it and such;  
              all the rude people who bang into me with my laptop bag and such, being around all the drunk people, etc.  I just am so frustrated right now It is dangerous how
              damn angry I am , right now I wish she would leave me; I am trying to make her leave me; I just wanna be all fucking alone , I think I actually do want this.


             Just moments after I wrote this I found Leo ( Gf ) crying and I had not realized how I had hurt her; I had forgot today is the 2 month anniversary of Brady’s ( our son ) death..  of course she is upset and she is showing it by being angry and cleaning , I guess I should consider the feelings over others but it is hard when I am
going through it ..
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4/17/2008 - And This morning..
Posted in Unspecified


 I am so angry this morning because I need to have Internet access at home and Leo ( my Gf ) does not seem to get how important it is that this happen and
              happen now, I tell her to work on it all day and to try different things, this is her country with her language and she can do things I cannot but no, she says I need
               to do other things and she says she has tried all that she can and this pisses me off, I told her that if it does not happen by Monday then I cannot stay here
               any longer, there are certain things I need to take care of myself and I need what I need when I need it, not later. I just feel so angry, frustrated, and upset.
              I just don’t get it, I do not want to be with her anymore, well maybe I do cause I cannot imagine leaving her as I do care about her but when she kisses me I
              pull away and when she does not do what I want and need I get angry and blame her, I know this is not her fault but I am helpless here and have no therapy,
               medicines, or nothing so having Internet at home IS my medicine..  I do not wanna go out everyday to use my computer, it is why I get scratches on it and such;  
              all the rude people who bang into me with my laptop bag and such, being around all the drunk people, etc.  I just am so frustrated right now It is dangerous how
              damn angry I am , right now I wish she would leave me; I am trying to make her leave me; I just wanna be all fucking alone , I think I actually do want this.


I guess I feel better now , being a few hours after I wrote that last rant but I still do not understand why everything has to be so hard, I am trying to feel better but it just is so difficult, I wanna just be happy, to just be relaxed, and not worry about  it  all.
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