Living on the Border !!!- JournalHome.com

Living on the Border !!!- JournalHome.com Living on the Border !!!

About Me

Recent Posts

Home

View my profile

My Image Gallery

Archives

Email Me

Calendar

Friends

Links

Page 2 of 16
Last Page | Next Page

4/18/2008 - Frustrations again and taking it out of others.

I am so angry this morning because I need to have Internet access at home and Leo ( my Gf ) does not seem to get how important it is that this happen and
              happen now, I tell her to work on it all day and to try different things, this is her country with her language and she can do things I cannot but no, she says I need
               to do other things and she says she has tried all that she can and this pisses me off, I told her that if it does not happen by Monday then I cannot stay here
               any longer, there are certain things I need to take care of myself and I need what I need when I need it, not later. I just feel so angry, frustrated, and upset.
              I just don’t get it, I do not want to be with her anymore, well maybe I do cause I cannot imagine leaving her as I do care about her but when she kisses me I
              pull away and when she does not do what I want and need I get angry and blame her, I know this is not her fault but I am helpless here and have no therapy,
               medicines, or nothing so having Internet at home IS my medicine.. I do not wanna go out everyday to use my computer, it is why I get scratches on it and such;
              all the rude people who bang into me with my laptop bag and such, being around all the drunk people, etc. I just am so frustrated right now It is dangerous how
              damn angry I am , right now I wish she would leave me; I am trying to make her leave me; I just wanna be all fucking alone , I think I actually do want this.

             Just moments after I wrote this I found Leo ( Gf ) crying and I had not realized how I had hurt her; I had forgot today is the 2 month anniversary of Brady’s ( our son ) death.. of course she is upset and she is showing it by being angry and cleaning , I guess I should consider the feelings over others but it is hard when I am
going through it ..

Comments ( 0 ) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link

Share and enjoy

4/17/2008 - And This morning..

I am so angry this morning because I need to have Internet access at home and Leo ( my Gf ) does not seem to get how important it is that this happen and
              happen now, I tell her to work on it all day and to try different things, this is her country with her language and she can do things I cannot but no, she says I need
               to do other things and she says she has tried all that she can and this pisses me off, I told her that if it does not happen by Monday then I cannot stay here
               any longer, there are certain things I need to take care of myself and I need what I need when I need it, not later. I just feel so angry, frustrated, and upset.
              I just don’t get it, I do not want to be with her anymore, well maybe I do cause I cannot imagine leaving her as I do care about her but when she kisses me I
              pull away and when she does not do what I want and need I get angry and blame her, I know this is not her fault but I am helpless here and have no therapy,
               medicines, or nothing so having Internet at home IS my medicine.. I do not wanna go out everyday to use my computer, it is why I get scratches on it and such;
              all the rude people who bang into me with my laptop bag and such, being around all the drunk people, etc. I just am so frustrated right now It is dangerous how
              damn angry I am , right now I wish she would leave me; I am trying to make her leave me; I just wanna be all fucking alone , I think I actually do want this.

I guess I feel better now , being a few hours after I wrote that last rant but I still do not understand why everything has to be so hard, I am trying to feel better but it just is so difficult, I wanna just be happy, to just be relaxed, and not worry about it all.

Comments ( 0 ) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link

Share and enjoy

4/17/2008 - Yesterday's feelings

Today I just was online most of the day and then found out that I may lose my disability payments and that worried me but all ended up being OK after I called the states , it obviously added to my stress but I just went back to my little table at the bar and continued my online activities, I just love this Mac and everything it can do so I never want to get off of it. Hopefully one day I will have access at home so I do not have to hang out in bars all the time, not conductive to my sobriety at all.. I worry about losing the Mac when it gets a scratch on the screen such as it has now or whatever , I just love it.

I feel kind of down as usual but I hope with some sleep I can feel better , that is the hope but not always the case. I guess now I will Attempt to go read my Dog book and just relax before bed, I have to do what I can to take care of myself as I do not have many resources or much of a support system here. I hope to create my own support and care system soon with some medicines and maybe therapy with the English doc once or twice a month as well as all of my online support. I really need it now as I feel I am holding on by the skin of my teeth, I hope things change soon.

Comments ( 0 ) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link

Share and enjoy

4/17/2008 - Just leave me alone..

I don’t wanna meet people, or socialize or deal with any of it. I just do not understand why people force me to be something that I am not. I just feel so like not dealing with life or the people in it, I feel empty and alone so why can’t I just stay there and be how I am ?? People say ‘Be positive , everything is OK “ , easy for them to say as they do not feel what I feel, they do not feel the sense of being a failure, never doing anything right, the pain and suffering inside or any of it. They have easy lives with none of this roller coaster ride that I constantly live on. I just wish I could give up and not have to deal with any of it, I want people to leave me and let me whither away, why won’t the world let me die ?? Why won’t they let the pain leave me as I cease to exist ?? I just wanna be home alone with Toby ( my puppy ) and not deal with the world , to just be online and in my own little world, is that too much to ask for ??? I would think not, but I have been wrong before.

Comments ( 0 ) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link

Share and enjoy

4/16/2008 - Falling apart..

I am falling apart and cannot seem to hold on or pull myself back together. I hurt those that I love and nobody can save me , I burn bridges and cannot do anything right yet I am FORCED to put up with myself and stay alive. I act so angry and take it all out on those closest to me yet if they could see down in my soul past the anger and rage then they would see all of the pain and hurt behind that anger. I hurt so much right now and do not know what to do, I just cannot do this on my own any longer, it is unbearable.

I was at the bar tonight drinking my Coke and watching the game and watched all of the groups of people having fun ( or so it seemed ) and there I was all alone at my table; feeling lonely, sad, and like a loser. I feel afraid of people, afraid of myself, and the world as a whole and there is nothing that can take away such feelings , Nothing !

I hurt my Fiance and everyone else that loves me , I do not want to hurt anyone nor be hurt by anyone any longer, I just want it all to go away but what can make it better ? I really have lost hope and I am just here waiting for another day to come and go, not doing anything valuable with my days or my life; so damn sad and hopeless . I just do not see the point anymore , why do I try to change things when NOTHING ever changes. I know people that love me will say to me , ‘ Keep going, you can make it’ and other positive things but they do not feel what I feel , they do not live with the feeling of wishing you were never born and brought into this cruel , disappointing world, I do .

Comments ( 2 ) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link

Share and enjoy

4/16/2008 - How I could possibly get better.

Borderlines have a very futile life as there is nothing that they can do to win the war that rages on within them , society does not understand them nor wants anything to do with them most times, even their closest family and friends do not completely understand what they go through or why they act how they do. Those who have this illness have the very difficult task of tackling their disorder against insurmountable odds that they can ever get better, with treatment being the astronomical fees that it is and options limited as to who will work with them there is little hope of getting better . In my opinion many borderlines do not recover fully and must decide if living a life that can never be full and consistent is worth all of the pain that will come their way, whether enjoying the little moments in between the rages and explosions is enough or does the all or nothing thinking take over here as well and do they decide to give up if they cannot be 100 % happy all of the time ??

Living in a world that places such high expectations on people and who judges people so easily is difficult for anyone but for the borderline who is already highly critical of themselves and whom never think they can accomplish anything anyway is a painful, dark place and for the borderline this place is so very real yet sometimes it is not real at all , like much of their so futile existence . I myself have come to see that it is virtually impossible to control every aspect of my disorder and self and if I try to do it all then I will fail and be in more pain, but if I take certain steps to take care of myself then I have a chance, if not to get better than at least to stay alive. Here are a few ways I can possibly get better if I follow them through and do not fall into the traps of my disease.

1- Stay completely away from alcohol and street drugs
2-Stay OUT of a romantic relationship ( this is where my illness really shows itself )
3-Start and stay in treatment , get a doctor who is an expert in Bpd, skilled therapist, and get on the right medications to manage the symptoms that can be so painful and make the illness worse.
4- Stay away from stressful people and situations, stress I have learned sets me off and makes everything worse.
5- Get plenty of sleep, relaxation, and ME time - If I am not rested and relaxed then I am open to unhealthy behaviors.
6- Reward myself when I do good things like stay sober for x amount of days or have small achievements ..Pamper myself when I can as It is important to remind myself that I am worthy and deserve the best..
7-Be aware of my behaviors and triggers and try to stay calm and in control, away from people who will bring me down, situations that will produce anxiety and so on.
8.-Read, learn, and understand my disorder the best that I can. The more I know then the better chance I have of healing.
9-Have a purpose when I wake up each day; a project or goal that I wish to accomplish ; stay out of my head as much as I can.

If I can follow these steps then maybe, just maybe I will have a shot at getting better but if I cannot then I know where I will be headed, down the path of destruction and pain. Borderlines have a long, difficult road to travel and can only recover with the proper care as this illness does not just go away on it's own, without help we are doomed as one cannot control something in their brain on their own as it damages those very parts of the mind that help us control and rationalize. With care then we can learn to love and care for ourselves once again..This is not easy but maybe by taking these steps and surrendering our own will than we can recover one day at a time.

Comments ( 0 ) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link

Share and enjoy

4/15/2008 - 50 days but still life shows up..

Locked the keys in my house.. Feel depresseed and like a failure and asking someone up there why me , why does it all have to be so damn hard ?? I am sitting here drinking a soda and doing some online stuff to distract me, what will the rest of the day bring; will my anger subside ?? At least I can say for only the second time ever that I have 50 days sober !!

I guess not all is bad ???

Comments ( 0 ) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link

Share and enjoy

4/15/2008 - Why bother ??

I want to start writing about other things and possibly make a career out of blogging and writing but too often am too consumed by Bpd and all of it's horrible effects that It is all that I can think or write about.. Bpd is my life and controls everything in it.
It has been said that borderlines have so much potential, often more than Non borderlines . The fact is that is that we often are so wrapped up in our own personal struggles that we are unable to tap into such talents and thus are trapped in this tunnel vision where the only thing we can see is our own pain and thus it becomes our only reality . I know I can do many great things with my life but my OCD and ADHD also get in the way, I have such a strong love and belief in God but I tell you, he sure made some mistakes when he created me , I mean God is perfect so it couldn't be mistakes but he sure did give me some challenges to overcome; Bpd, depression , OCD, ADHD , Anxiety, Addictions ; as well as poverty and everything else I am faced with daily.. They say that God does not give you more than you can handle but I cannot handle all of what I have been given, or at least I do not care to.
So, will Bpd consume me for the rest of my days, will Bpd take my life from me , will I recover; is that even possible ?? These are all questions that I am faced with and to be honest I haven't the slightest clue to any of the answers, so now what ?? Where does this leave me . What is next ?? I am just full of questions huh ? I just need some support, I am tired of doing it on my own, I cannot do it on my own anymore, call me weak or not insightful enough but I surrender and I need professional help and I will do whatever it takes to get that help, No I cannot afford to pay $30 grand for a month of treatment and who even knows if it will work but I need to do something to get help for my mass amount of issues, drug addictions and psych defects , If I do not then I will not be around for my GF , family, friends, or Toby.. I fully realize the seriousness of how far down I have fallen and how it will not stop until I get help.. Where do I start in the healing process , things are so bad, the pain is deeply imbedded that I ask myself often, 'Why bother ? '.

Comments ( 1 ) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link

Share and enjoy

4/15/2008 - Frustration creeping in..

Right now I feel frustrated and quite lost , I mean today was a better day with going to the beach with Toby and that was nice but as Dr Phil said once ' You cannot fix a psychological problem with anything but a psychological solution' , so Toby and my Macbook and travel and family and friends and so on are great but they can only help make life easier , they can never fix my Bpd and problems . I feel this intense anxiety and feeling of having to jump out of my skin, this feeling of sadness and not wanting to be around anyone, fearing others and going outside.. I need treatment so badly I cannot even say how much, I mean I do not want to leave my life here but I hear of people who have this disorder that go to group therapy multiple times per week, see a doctor regularly and a therapist, are properly medicated, and have other forms of adequate support and treatment .. I have had nothing, not one single talk with a doctor ( if you don't count that quack I saw a few months ago in SF ) or any other professional in 8 or 9 months now.. It is now wonder I am having these problems , plus the detoxing from Meth again.. At least the Red Sox won tonight..I read this opinion a well known expert in the Bpd field wrote and it is the reality of having this disorder and not have the proper care ..and what can happen.

Without adequate treatment, the illness is lifelong, and all too often ends in suicide. With good ongoing treatment, the outlook is very favorable indeed in many cases.

Comments ( 1 ) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link

Share and enjoy

4/14/2008 - Today's ongoings .

Last night Leo ( Gf ) and I attempted to have sex but I could not do it, halfway through I felt something was not right..I used to be into her but now think of her like a sister or something. This caused more problems than we already have and today she was moody , so I went to the beach with just my puppy Toby and had sucha relaxing time, running around and splashing in water, so fun. I got bad news about treatment , Mclean hospital in Boston emailed me back and told me it is $30,000 per month. How can these places get away with charging so much to people who are dying and need help, I mean my disorder holds me down from accomplishing my dreams, destroys my relationships, and tries to kill me and nobody can help me ??? Pure bullshit if you ask me.. So I am here online at the bar, on day 49 of sober time and trying to make it to 50. I feel so disconnected from reality though and so alone and isolated..No net service at home yet and Leo gets mad when I bring it up...Life pisses me off for real.

Comments ( 0 ) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link

Share and enjoy

4/14/2008 - Years of lost hopes

Years of dreams dreamt and dreams that were never to be , People who came and who left and did not even say goodbye . Pain and agony that left me bruised and battered but yet I got up again dusted off my pants and moved on . I just kept going despite all that knocked me down upon each try. There comes a point when you are tired of trying and more so of failing, tired of the pain and dreaming of something better but what is never to be, Tired of getting hurt and hurting others..
Just tired , plain and simple . I now am 33 and although I have a superstition for double numbers I see no more hope in this new year than I did in the others , I expect more of the same , I get hope and inspiration but it does not last long and soon I am left to be feeling those same negative feelings and sitting in my pity pot.

What Now many ask ?? Gee , I don't know. I just wanna get better but I feel far worse now at 33 than I did in my younger years when my mental health problems just had started, I feel like I am falling apart more and more each day and I cannot seem to pull it together, feeling sad and lonely and this pain I cannot bear .. Yet where is my help / The only help I had ( drugs ) I chose to abandon in hopes I would get better and yet what has changed, I am dry but I am miserable and sad.

Bpd is what I am , Bpd is what I do , and yet Bpd is killing me and my relationships.

Comments ( 0 ) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link

Share and enjoy

4/14/2008 - Toby is my rock..

The way he looks up at me with such approval and how He looks to me for his needs , the feel of his paws on my rough hands and the wet tongue that greets my face and how he weeps when I go away . These things make me feel so good, his unconditional love and understanding is that which I love the most, he does not yell at me nor tell me I am stupid, He never expects nothing of me but Me.. I just adore how he runs after me like it matters what I do or where I go.. just his presence can stop an outburst, his love keeps me going, If I don't pick up my socks, wash my hands, lock the door, become a doctor or millionaire matters little to him, If I just pick him up and give him a kiss, call his name or throw him a brisket is enough for him, How he loves me and does not care what I have done nor what I do later..
I speak of my little puppy, my medicine, my doctor, and my reason for waking up just one more day and saying ' OK, Today I have a purpose, Today will be OK '.

Comments ( 0 ) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link

Share and enjoy

4/14/2008 - Music improves my memory

I was just sitting and listening to music last night and it dawned upon me that each song represented a certain time in my life, an experience or situation, relationship, city , and so on. Whether it is the Counting Crows that remind me of when I was in my early 20's and first went to California or Eminem and the anger I felt listening to his music driving my car around the florida streets after my ex wife and I had just fought, or Blind melon and Nirvana whose music I related to during my late teens and the darkness I felt or any other group, singer, or song.. I can recall my past through music . I cannot remember much on my own but music helps me to remember , good or bad. Bpd erases my memories, everything exists only in this moment and five minutes ago almost does not exist in my mind so it helps to have a tool so I can go back in the past, either to remember memorable moments or to see where I have been with my pain and how I can use the past to change my future.
Just another revelation that came to mind as I tried to quiet my mind before bed and not have more of that emotional diarrhea that is so frequent with me.. I did end up just going to bed and getting through the night ... a rare occurrence .

Comments ( 0 ) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link

Share and enjoy

4/13/2008 - Today and last night..

Last night I did not have any outbursts as when I felt like I was going to then I just took a sleeping pill and dozed off, However Leo ( Gf ) woke me up at like 3-am saying that she needed me and such . I had no idea what was going on as I was in a seroquel coma where I knew she was speaking to me but was unable to process any of what she was saying or wanted , for those that know of this med I am sure they can relate to this state, Anyhow I asked her this morning what she wanted and what was wrong last and she said nothing and now she is just going around the house doing housework and not talking so I know that means something is up, I cannot tolerate when people are silent and do not talk to me and she knows this but does it anyway. We also had a talk last night about me possibly going to treatment for a few months and she did not approve , I do not think she understands the seriousness of what I am going through, I also share my feelings and she says nothing , I know she is a good girl but what the silence when I am in such pain ?? Why is she not supportive ?

So, now this morning I am up and about to shower and get some breakfast and then go out and get on my laptop downtown and try to do some stuff like send out those emails that I have saved ( to docs and such ) and get ready to watch the game tonight . It makes me sad that Leo and I are falling apart but it is clearly evident that we are, living different lives and such , I see the signs. Although I do hope I am wrong , we have been through a lot together.

Comments ( 0 ) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link

Share and enjoy

4/13/2008 - Changing ??

Change your thinking and change your life is something that I just heard and it seems to be true, however having a condition such as Bpd complicates things . It limits me and knocks me down when I feel motivated . I believe in God and I know God has great things in store for me , I have struggled with this of late but I know without God in my life then I have no hope, he lifts me up when I am down, he inspires me and believes in me , yes I was born with this awful disorder and have had a difficult life but I don't have to give up, I pray that God can get me the help I need and get into a Bpd program to work on some of these issues, and get the right medications and find that desire deep inside me to rise above and be all I can be .

I did not blow up tonight, I wanted to but resisted the urge . I get more down at night and when I am at home with nothing to do, no Internet , no nothing, although Toby does give me Joy ( my puppy for those that do not know ) and happiness.

I am having some really difficult times but I want to try and do my best to be something, to overcome it all. Some may say that going into a treatment program is weak and not an aspiration or goal to have, but I know that without help I can never do nothing with my life and to ask for help is strength , I can accept that I need help and if I can get that help and care then I can use that to do great things later in my life . Sure, there is no cure for Bpd but I am in a bad place and there is help for me , I know I cannot afford the treatment center I need and want but God put the thought in my head, the thought that this place can help me and to try to get in there, that place is Mclean Hospital in Belmont , Mass. and they have the leading Bpd treatment center in the U.S. and I know this is a great place and can really help me to get better and then do great things.

I may feel like dying now, I feel so hopeless and sad , I feel like Nobody ever can help me but I know that there is a chance that I can get better , I can overcome and I can do anything that I want.

God has more in store for me , I just have to believe that .

Comments ( 0 ) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link

Share and enjoy

4/12/2008 - Crashing time ?

After a long day listening to music and downloading 100's of songs online, I now and listening to some hockey, time to go home soon which means Crash time. I can already feel the anxiety and darkness start to consume me , Soon I hope to have therapy and medicines, this will continue to happen until I get help. I hope to have an easy night and go to bed early.. I wish people could understand that when I blow up or crash it is not me doing it, but the devious Bpd.

Comments ( 0 ) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link

Share and enjoy

4/12/2008 - One more I wrote last night...

Lost, sad, lonely, mad, fearful ,angry ,hungry and sensitive
wanting, needing, losing, and being..but being what ?
Feelings that come and go and I often feel I have nowhere to go.
I need someone or something to keep the feelings of wanting to die at bay .
Obsessions and worries fill me and keep my mind trapped as a prisoner
where are you, who are you, do you even exist ?? I speak of someone that will save me , save me from me and my destructive ways and feelings of nothingness.
Sometimes I forget , sometimes I wanna forget, and yet sometimes all I can do to stay alive is to remember where I have been and the pain I have felt.
I just write and write with no real direction but that is so me and the theme of my so crazy life. I say to those that love me, You cannot count on me so if you need
to go then I so understand . I lay here wounded but there is no blood that seeps from my wounds as they are injuries of the soul from the war that rages inside of me daily.. My soul contains weapons of mass destruction but there are no U.N inspectors to search the premises and no big brother to save me or free me . It is
just me myself and I to deal with the emotional land mines that lay in every corner of my being waiting to explode and hurt innocent bystanders.
At the top I described my current feelings and they are the ones that at the moment exists within me and often do makeup what I feel as a whole but one i forgot to add was Tired, Yes I am so very worn out and must cut this short as a result, I guess
sleep is the best thing for me right now as it will help ease the madness .

Comments ( 0 ) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link

Share and enjoy

4/12/2008 - The follow up on who I am .

Just wrote a piece on who I am and tried to explain and look into that the best that I could based on my past experiences and knowledge of myself but not an easy task. In doing so I did not include that how would someone know me without Knowing me , one way that came to mind is to look in my Itunes library and examine the contents of my music collection and examine the lyrics and by doing so they will discover the negativity and sad nature of my collection and it so very much explains what goes on within me, there are other ways of learning who I am , of course in the course of human relationships then one can discover parts of me but the truth is that nobody can understand the pain I feel, the regrets that I have , or the reality of me having to be me each and every day I am alive in this world.. The severe let downs and failures I feel in myself and the world as a whole , the fears and feelings of never quite measuring up to what is expected of me, The seemingly empty void that sits deep in the hollowness of my sou that never can seem to be satisfied. Nobody can feel that and that is a good thing because I would not wish what I feel even on my worst enemy. So, Who am I , who am I really ? I am trying to figure that answer all of the time, I have used drugs, alcohol, sex, travel and much more to discover myself and nothing has given me peace and understanding and some mental silence once and for all...

Comments ( 0 ) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link

Share and enjoy

4/12/2008 - More on discovering who I am

Who am I seems to be the common theme of my life of late and so I ask, who in fact am I? What is my destiny? What defines me? These questions are so hard to answer so I may not be successful in my efforts but as I have done before I will try my best.

What do I want to do with the rest of my life ?

® I would like to stabilize myself in every way and then start a writing career, maybe some political projects, and go back to college within the next year where I would like to study Psychology and work towards my B.A. Then when I graduate I would like to pursue a career in addiction medicine either by being a drug counselor or by going to medical school to pursue a medical degree so I can advance further in my career.

® I would like to play some kind of organized sport, even if it is for fun only, I would like to workout and get in shape and be healthy. I would love to travel more and see the world, maybe even pursue a career in freelance photographer as well as freelance writing. I guess just balance my life out in several areas.

What defines me ? If someone were asked to describe me and my character then what would they say ??

® I would describe myself as a compassionate, sweet, smart person full of desires and passions with a significant amount of pain and obstacles that stand in my way but someone who has great potential if he can just out of his own way.

1. I am a Bostonian and thus a passionate Boston sports fan, I live and die by Boston sports and feel it says a lot about my faith and passion.
2. I am a friend, father, husband, and child with many hopes and dreams, with compassion for mankind and for the world as a whole.
3. I am a world traveler and explorer of knowledge and far places.
4. I am a survivor of Addiction and many mental health issues.
5. I am the thing that is such a big part of me, the passion in my soul but the thing that nobody accepts in our society so this is a secret of my core only known by a select few.
6. I am special and unique, that could be good and / or bad.

For so long I thought I was defined by who I was with, what I did, or who the world wanted me to be but am slowly learning that I am not defined by anything but what lies deep within me, the passion, pain, and desires that are part of me are Who I am. I often feel for example that without drugs and alcohol I am nothing, I have no self, I used Meth for so long that it truly did define me as a person and that is because it was all I did and my actions whole using that evil, nasty drug felt like they were me but were they really
Or was it the drug talking? I guess the same can be said for my mental disorders and Bpd in particular, Are my actions me or are they attached to these disorders and mental defects? Something to be explored I think.

What drives me? What motivates me?

I am driven by the desire to be successful financially and in general, to help others and fight for causes I believe in. Here are a few of what those things are and how they make me feel, if I am able to keep such motivation and drive then I can move forward and discover my purpose in life.

® Money drives me, the desire to be financially stable and financially successful, to build something successful, a business or something of that sort.
® The desire to help others motivates me and causes me to continue on, whether it is animals or addicts, or the homeless, people in prison that deserve a second chance, or whatever. To help others is more important than money or anything else, it touches that spot in my soul. I need to be able to help others and give back.
® People who tell me I can never be anything or something I want is not possible or any other negative message that they convey is difficult to hear but it drives me to fight and keep on going.
® Motivational speakers, Spiritual speakers, and hearing of people who have overcome surmountable circumstances to be and do great things motivate me to try and overcome my own.
® The fact that I am still alive and can still have a chance to rise above.

Who I am Not !

® A hater or violent person
® A criminal
® Stupid or uneducated
® Conservative
® A quitter (As of today)

Learning who I am is a process that will take a long time, in fact being a lifelong journey but the fact that I am willing to look at what I have done and where I have been and try to rediscover myself even amongst all the hardship I am going through is an amazing feat. This is just the tip of the ice burg in discovering who I am and there is sure more to come in the future. I have good and bad and undiscovered that lies within me and I have done things that I hope I will never do again and want to do things I have yet to try and having said that I have pain, lots of pain and some joy in my life as well, but the game is not over yet and I just may have an undiscovered trick up my sleeve yet, It is not over yet, as Long as I am breathing then I got a new chance on a new day.. Got to keep believing that I can learn more about whom I am each and very day and move forward.

Comments ( 0 ) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link

Share and enjoy

4/12/2008 - And it passes again..

Rough night last night as one can tell from my previous posts but this morning I feel slightly better, I guess a lot better. It always seems to be worse at night for some reason and when I am not online, being online gives me a purpose, a distraction where I can do POSITIVE things to deal with my feelings . Today I guess I will hope and pray that Leo can call the Internet people and get to the bottom of this problem and get me access at home, it may sound silly but not having access at home is making me worse and worse and soon will possibly destroy me, I mean I do not have therapy or medicines or support groups here so the Net is my only source of recovery and help, she does not seem to understand that. People here do not get mental illness and the general way of American life but how can I expect them to ??

So, today I am about to go out and post this up on the site here and then just chill online for the day, maybe grab me a burger or something . I worry about the little scratch across my screen ( that is only visible when computer is off ) and the bugs that seem to be still in my computer and not having Internet at home and it is so very hard for me but here I am trying to think positive, not worry and hope that today is better than yesterday and that I can stay sober for day 47 and do my best with what life has in store for me , I will also say that my music keeps me going, be it all sad music I listen to but I can relate and it works for me .

I posted a lot on here today but had to clear out my docs on computer as when JH was switching servers I did not stop writing and had much as result to post here, I am glad that I have writing as a way to deal with those so very difficult times and I do hope that I can help others understand the world of at least this Borderline .

Comments ( 0 ) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link

Share and enjoy