About Me
Recent Posts
- Update again ...
- Going through it again
- Another update on my life
- Inspiration in the air
- Toby : I love you !
Menu
Calendar
| Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | Sun |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | |
| 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 |
| 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 |
| 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 |
| 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | |||
Friends
Links
- My Wall
- bpdcentral
- Nimh BPD Info
- kci meth recovery community
- Another great and informative BPD site
- Meth recovery site
- My Other BPD site
Page 3 of 17
Last Page | Next Page
4/14/2008
-
Today's ongoings .
| Last night Leo ( Gf ) and I attempted to have sex but I could not do it, halfway through I felt something was not right..I used to be into her but now think of her like a sister or something. This caused more problems than we already have and today she was moody , so I went to the beach with just my puppy Toby and had sucha relaxing time, running around and splashing in water, so fun. I got bad news about treatment , Mclean hospital in Boston emailed me back and told me it is $30,000 per month. How can these places get away with charging so much to people who are dying and need help, I mean my disorder holds me down from accomplishing my dreams, destroys my relationships, and tries to kill me and nobody can help me ??? Pure bullshit if you ask me.. So I am here online at the bar, on day 49 of sober time and trying to make it to 50. I feel so disconnected from reality though and so alone and isolated..No net service at home yet and Leo gets mad when I bring it up...Life pisses me off for real. |
Comments ( 0 ) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link |
Share and enjoy
4/14/2008
-
Years of lost hopes
|
Years of dreams dreamt and dreams that were never to be , People who came and who left and did not even say goodbye . Pain and agony that left me bruised and battered but yet I got up again dusted off my pants and moved on . I just kept going despite all that knocked me down upon each try. There comes a point when you are tired of trying and more so of failing, tired of the pain and dreaming of something better but what is never to be, Tired of getting hurt and hurting others.. Just tired , plain and simple . I now am 33 and although I have a superstition for double numbers I see no more hope in this new year than I did in the others , I expect more of the same , I get hope and inspiration but it does not last long and soon I am left to be feeling those same negative feelings and sitting in my pity pot. What Now many ask ?? Gee , I don't know. I just wanna get better but I feel far worse now at 33 than I did in my younger years when my mental health problems just had started, I feel like I am falling apart more and more each day and I cannot seem to pull it together, feeling sad and lonely and this pain I cannot bear .. Yet where is my help / The only help I had ( drugs ) I chose to abandon in hopes I would get better and yet what has changed, I am dry but I am miserable and sad. Bpd is what I am , Bpd is what I do , and yet Bpd is killing me and my relationships. |
Comments ( 0 ) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link |
Share and enjoy
4/14/2008
-
Toby is my rock..
|
The way he looks up at me with such approval and how He looks to me for his needs , the feel of his paws on my rough hands and the wet tongue that greets my face and how he weeps when I go away . These things make me feel so good, his unconditional love and understanding is that which I love the most, he does not yell at me nor tell me I am stupid, He never expects nothing of me but Me.. I just adore how he runs after me like it matters what I do or where I go.. just his presence can stop an outburst, his love keeps me going, If I don't pick up my socks, wash my hands, lock the door, become a doctor or millionaire matters little to him, If I just pick him up and give him a kiss, call his name or throw him a brisket is enough for him, How he loves me and does not care what I have done nor what I do later.. I speak of my little puppy, my medicine, my doctor, and my reason for waking up just one more day and saying ' OK, Today I have a purpose, Today will be OK '. |
Comments ( 0 ) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link |
Share and enjoy
4/14/2008
-
Music improves my memory
|
I was just sitting and listening to music last night and it dawned upon me that each song represented a certain time in my life, an experience or situation, relationship, city , and so on. Whether it is the Counting Crows that remind me of when I was in my early 20's and first went to California or Eminem and the anger I felt listening to his music driving my car around the florida streets after my ex wife and I had just fought, or Blind melon and Nirvana whose music I related to during my late teens and the darkness I felt or any other group, singer, or song.. I can recall my past through music . I cannot remember much on my own but music helps me to remember , good or bad. Bpd erases my memories, everything exists only in this moment and five minutes ago almost does not exist in my mind so it helps to have a tool so I can go back in the past, either to remember memorable moments or to see where I have been with my pain and how I can use the past to change my future. Just another revelation that came to mind as I tried to quiet my mind before bed and not have more of that emotional diarrhea that is so frequent with me.. I did end up just going to bed and getting through the night ... a rare occurrence . |
Comments ( 0 ) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link |
Share and enjoy
4/13/2008
-
Today and last night..
|
Last night I did not have any outbursts as when I felt like I was going to then I just took a sleeping pill and dozed off, However Leo ( Gf ) woke me up at like 3-am saying that she needed me and such . I had no idea what was going on as I was in a seroquel coma where I knew she was speaking to me but was unable to process any of what she was saying or wanted , for those that know of this med I am sure they can relate to this state, Anyhow I asked her this morning what she wanted and what was wrong last and she said nothing and now she is just going around the house doing housework and not talking so I know that means something is up, I cannot tolerate when people are silent and do not talk to me and she knows this but does it anyway. We also had a talk last night about me possibly going to treatment for a few months and she did not approve , I do not think she understands the seriousness of what I am going through, I also share my feelings and she says nothing , I know she is a good girl but what the silence when I am in such pain ?? Why is she not supportive ? So, now this morning I am up and about to shower and get some breakfast and then go out and get on my laptop downtown and try to do some stuff like send out those emails that I have saved ( to docs and such ) and get ready to watch the game tonight . It makes me sad that Leo and I are falling apart but it is clearly evident that we are, living different lives and such , I see the signs. Although I do hope I am wrong , we have been through a lot together. |
Comments ( 0 ) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link |
Share and enjoy
4/13/2008
-
Changing ??
|
Change your thinking and change your life is something that I just heard and it seems to be true, however having a condition such as Bpd complicates things . It limits me and knocks me down when I feel motivated . I believe in God and I know God has great things in store for me , I have struggled with this of late but I know without God in my life then I have no hope, he lifts me up when I am down, he inspires me and believes in me , yes I was born with this awful disorder and have had a difficult life but I don't have to give up, I pray that God can get me the help I need and get into a Bpd program to work on some of these issues, and get the right medications and find that desire deep inside me to rise above and be all I can be . I did not blow up tonight, I wanted to but resisted the urge . I get more down at night and when I am at home with nothing to do, no Internet , no nothing, although Toby does give me Joy ( my puppy for those that do not know ) and happiness. I am having some really difficult times but I want to try and do my best to be something, to overcome it all. Some may say that going into a treatment program is weak and not an aspiration or goal to have, but I know that without help I can never do nothing with my life and to ask for help is strength , I can accept that I need help and if I can get that help and care then I can use that to do great things later in my life . Sure, there is no cure for Bpd but I am in a bad place and there is help for me , I know I cannot afford the treatment center I need and want but God put the thought in my head, the thought that this place can help me and to try to get in there, that place is Mclean Hospital in Belmont , Mass. and they have the leading Bpd treatment center in the U.S. and I know this is a great place and can really help me to get better and then do great things. I may feel like dying now, I feel so hopeless and sad , I feel like Nobody ever can help me but I know that there is a chance that I can get better , I can overcome and I can do anything that I want. God has more in store for me , I just have to believe that . |
Comments ( 0 ) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link |
Share and enjoy
4/12/2008
-
Crashing time ?
| After a long day listening to music and downloading 100's of songs online, I now and listening to some hockey, time to go home soon which means Crash time. I can already feel the anxiety and darkness start to consume me , Soon I hope to have therapy and medicines, this will continue to happen until I get help. I hope to have an easy night and go to bed early.. I wish people could understand that when I blow up or crash it is not me doing it, but the devious Bpd. |
Comments ( 0 ) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link |
Share and enjoy
4/12/2008
-
One more I wrote last night...
|
Lost, sad, lonely, mad, fearful ,angry ,hungry and sensitive wanting, needing, losing, and being..but being what ? Feelings that come and go and I often feel I have nowhere to go. I need someone or something to keep the feelings of wanting to die at bay . Obsessions and worries fill me and keep my mind trapped as a prisoner where are you, who are you, do you even exist ?? I speak of someone that will save me , save me from me and my destructive ways and feelings of nothingness. Sometimes I forget , sometimes I wanna forget, and yet sometimes all I can do to stay alive is to remember where I have been and the pain I have felt. I just write and write with no real direction but that is so me and the theme of my so crazy life. I say to those that love me, You cannot count on me so if you need to go then I so understand . I lay here wounded but there is no blood that seeps from my wounds as they are injuries of the soul from the war that rages inside of me daily.. My soul contains weapons of mass destruction but there are no U.N inspectors to search the premises and no big brother to save me or free me . It is just me myself and I to deal with the emotional land mines that lay in every corner of my being waiting to explode and hurt innocent bystanders. At the top I described my current feelings and they are the ones that at the moment exists within me and often do makeup what I feel as a whole but one i forgot to add was Tired, Yes I am so very worn out and must cut this short as a result, I guess sleep is the best thing for me right now as it will help ease the madness . |
Comments ( 0 ) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link |
Share and enjoy
4/12/2008
-
The follow up on who I am .
|
Just wrote a piece on who I am and tried to explain and look into that the best that I could based on my past experiences and knowledge of myself but not an easy task. In doing so I did not include that how would someone know me without Knowing me , one way that came to mind is to look in my Itunes library and examine the contents of my music collection and examine the lyrics and by doing so they will discover the negativity and sad nature of my collection and it so very much explains what goes on within me, there are other ways of learning who I am , of course in the course of human relationships then one can discover parts of me but the truth is that nobody can understand the pain I feel, the regrets that I have , or the reality of me having to be me each and every day I am alive in this world.. The severe let downs and failures I feel in myself and the world as a whole , the fears and feelings of never quite measuring up to what is expected of me, The seemingly empty void that sits deep in the hollowness of my sou that never can seem to be satisfied. Nobody can feel that and that is a good thing because I would not wish what I feel even on my worst enemy. So, Who am I , who am I really ? I am trying to figure that answer all of the time, I have used drugs, alcohol, sex, travel and much more to discover myself and nothing has given me peace and understanding and some mental silence once and for all... |
Comments ( 0 ) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link |
Share and enjoy
4/12/2008
-
More on discovering who I am
|
Who am I seems to be the common theme of my life of late and so I ask, who in fact am I? What is my destiny? What defines me? These questions are so hard to answer so I may not be successful in my efforts but as I have done before I will try my best. What do I want to do with the rest of my life ? ® I would like to stabilize myself in every way and then start a writing career, maybe some political projects, and go back to college within the next year where I would like to study Psychology and work towards my B.A. Then when I graduate I would like to pursue a career in addiction medicine either by being a drug counselor or by going to medical school to pursue a medical degree so I can advance further in my career. ® I would like to play some kind of organized sport, even if it is for fun only, I would like to workout and get in shape and be healthy. I would love to travel more and see the world, maybe even pursue a career in freelance photographer as well as freelance writing. I guess just balance my life out in several areas. What defines me ? If someone were asked to describe me and my character then what would they say ?? ® I would describe myself as a compassionate, sweet, smart person full of desires and passions with a significant amount of pain and obstacles that stand in my way but someone who has great potential if he can just out of his own way. 1. I am a Bostonian and thus a passionate Boston sports fan, I live and die by Boston sports and feel it says a lot about my faith and passion. 2. I am a friend, father, husband, and child with many hopes and dreams, with compassion for mankind and for the world as a whole. 3. I am a world traveler and explorer of knowledge and far places. 4. I am a survivor of Addiction and many mental health issues. 5. I am the thing that is such a big part of me, the passion in my soul but the thing that nobody accepts in our society so this is a secret of my core only known by a select few. 6. I am special and unique, that could be good and / or bad. For so long I thought I was defined by who I was with, what I did, or who the world wanted me to be but am slowly learning that I am not defined by anything but what lies deep within me, the passion, pain, and desires that are part of me are Who I am. I often feel for example that without drugs and alcohol I am nothing, I have no self, I used Meth for so long that it truly did define me as a person and that is because it was all I did and my actions whole using that evil, nasty drug felt like they were me but were they really Or was it the drug talking? I guess the same can be said for my mental disorders and Bpd in particular, Are my actions me or are they attached to these disorders and mental defects? Something to be explored I think. What drives me? What motivates me? I am driven by the desire to be successful financially and in general, to help others and fight for causes I believe in. Here are a few of what those things are and how they make me feel, if I am able to keep such motivation and drive then I can move forward and discover my purpose in life. ® Money drives me, the desire to be financially stable and financially successful, to build something successful, a business or something of that sort. ® The desire to help others motivates me and causes me to continue on, whether it is animals or addicts, or the homeless, people in prison that deserve a second chance, or whatever. To help others is more important than money or anything else, it touches that spot in my soul. I need to be able to help others and give back. ® People who tell me I can never be anything or something I want is not possible or any other negative message that they convey is difficult to hear but it drives me to fight and keep on going. ® Motivational speakers, Spiritual speakers, and hearing of people who have overcome surmountable circumstances to be and do great things motivate me to try and overcome my own. ® The fact that I am still alive and can still have a chance to rise above. Who I am Not ! ® A hater or violent person ® A criminal ® Stupid or uneducated ® Conservative ® A quitter (As of today) Learning who I am is a process that will take a long time, in fact being a lifelong journey but the fact that I am willing to look at what I have done and where I have been and try to rediscover myself even amongst all the hardship I am going through is an amazing feat. This is just the tip of the ice burg in discovering who I am and there is sure more to come in the future. I have good and bad and undiscovered that lies within me and I have done things that I hope I will never do again and want to do things I have yet to try and having said that I have pain, lots of pain and some joy in my life as well, but the game is not over yet and I just may have an undiscovered trick up my sleeve yet, It is not over yet, as Long as I am breathing then I got a new chance on a new day.. Got to keep believing that I can learn more about whom I am each and very day and move forward. |
Comments ( 0 ) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link |
Share and enjoy
4/12/2008
-
And it passes again..
|
Rough night last night as one can tell from my previous posts but this morning I feel slightly better, I guess a lot better. It always seems to be worse at night for some reason and when I am not online, being online gives me a purpose, a distraction where I can do POSITIVE things to deal with my feelings . Today I guess I will hope and pray that Leo can call the Internet people and get to the bottom of this problem and get me access at home, it may sound silly but not having access at home is making me worse and worse and soon will possibly destroy me, I mean I do not have therapy or medicines or support groups here so the Net is my only source of recovery and help, she does not seem to understand that. People here do not get mental illness and the general way of American life but how can I expect them to ?? So, today I am about to go out and post this up on the site here and then just chill online for the day, maybe grab me a burger or something . I worry about the little scratch across my screen ( that is only visible when computer is off ) and the bugs that seem to be still in my computer and not having Internet at home and it is so very hard for me but here I am trying to think positive, not worry and hope that today is better than yesterday and that I can stay sober for day 47 and do my best with what life has in store for me , I will also say that my music keeps me going, be it all sad music I listen to but I can relate and it works for me . I posted a lot on here today but had to clear out my docs on computer as when JH was switching servers I did not stop writing and had much as result to post here, I am glad that I have writing as a way to deal with those so very difficult times and I do hope that I can help others understand the world of at least this Borderline . |
Comments ( 0 ) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link |
Share and enjoy
4/12/2008
-
The nightly crisis
|
I blame others for my problems and my moments of crisis but it is ME that creates my own hell and me that must lie in that bed I made , I hurt others and it kills me . I am not sure what to do , I am in such emotional crisis and feel I am falling apart more and more and it all manifests itself in my relationship.. I come and go and say I am leaving but then beg her not to leave. I yell at her and throw things but moments later I forget the whole thing ever happened.. I feel I am about to blow up all the time and it is over nothing, sure she doesen't respond when I say I am suicidal or tell her how I feel but I know none of this is her fault and it is a result of this damn crazy disorder I have been punished with. These blowups feel so awful and I cannot stand them, they turn me from this sweet, caring awesome guy into this hurtful, off the wall crazy, suicidal loon . I cannot stop myself when I burn the bridges, hurt those that I love , and just lose touch with reality and it is damn scary. I will be fine in 10, 20 , or 30 minutes but now I am a mess and driving her away which is my intention and greatest fear all in one. Help me, someone please help me , I am falling apart and no one is here to help me , I need an escape from this madness, please make it stop ?? Just as I was writing this I took a time out to cut myself (could not resist the urge ) and then tried to explain it all to my Girl and then moments later I felt the crazy tantrum and crisis begin to fade and now I am OK although I need to sleep now before the next one starts up, which could be at any given moment. |
Comments ( 0 ) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link |
Share and enjoy
4/12/2008
-
Stop, I am sensitive .
|
She ( and others ) make smacking and other irritated noises at me , rolling their eyes , nagging me and criticizing what I do . Does she not know how it makes me feel ? The pain it causes me when she ( and others ) make such gestures.. I am sensitive, I am fragile, so why don't people fucking understand that these words and actions of theirs can destroy me ?? I am better alone I know it, I do not tell myself to pick up my socks off the floor, or to not do this or to do that, or that I am dirty or disorganized.. I am who I fucking am so why do people try to change me ? It makes me so angry, I am going through such pain as it is so why make it worse for me ? It is because she and others do not understand me , they do not seem to get that such ways of talking to me and criticism are counter productive to my recovery and life as a whole. Do I leave or stay ?? I love her and cannot imagine my life without her but are we just making each other miserable ?? I think we are . |
Comments ( 0 ) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link |
Share and enjoy
4/12/2008
-
Broken dreams remembered
|
To quote the lyrics of a great band in the song promises broken : Every little thing about this tells me that NOTHING out there is ever gonna help me, all these words that I hear spoken , Just promises broken. Those words hit home because I had such promise for so long but I never achieved all that I hoped I would, I was promised an abundant life from my Lord and do I have one ??? Nope. I was promised by many that they would not hurt me, leave me, nor stomp my dreams out and yet ...PROMISES BROKEN . Of course there are some in my life that do not let me down and for that I am truly grateful , I just feel that There is nothing that will ever help me, nothing will take away the deeply imbedded pain and suffering and I am doomed. I hope that there is a way, that there is hope but if my future is anything like my past then I am in for much, much more pain. I know there are many that will tell me that I am smart, special,and talented and can do anything, that it will be OK but they do not know it will be OK, It has not been to this point so why should i think my future will be any different ? I sit here with the symptoms of my Bpd eating away at me as I try to go down a different path, thinking what if , what if ?? I feel so sad and like my life has been a waste but yet I am alive and struggling, oh how every Single moment is a painful fight to survive. Nobody can help me but I know that I do have support in my corner. I just have to decide is it worth it, is the pain I will continue to feel worth what I could possibly overcome, be , or accomplish ?? Will life be more of a great big broken promise or will it all be turned around ?? To quote another great band and there song... EVERYTHING CHANGES IF I DO ! |
Comments ( 0 ) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link |
Share and enjoy
4/11/2008
-
Little Hope without Treatment
There is no treatment for Bpd that is a cure all like there is for other disorders, nothing helps it seems for me . I know that there are those who have gotten better with Dbt and other therapies but I have no access to any help and we know that the prognosis for getting better with treatment is dim and bleak so imagine what that prognosis would be like for someone with no therapy, no doctor, no medications, limited support , and who has severe symptoms of the disorder as well as accompanying disorders and addiction issues.. I tell you from what I know I have my work cut out for me.. the chance of me getting better without care does not look good at all. Share and enjoy
4/11/2008
-
About Damn Time
|
Well, It is about time this thing is back up and running, was wondering when it would be back . A lot has gone on since my last post here, My GF / Wife and I have had many fights and disagreements and life has been hard, there is no Internet at my house yet, I have to go out to bars everyday to blog and surf the net but I do what I can and have to. I am doing my best despite the pain that I am going through. I feel that I cannot fully live my life until I have this problem fixed. Call it all or nothing thinking but I need things a certain way and if they are not that way then I cannot function. I have had lots of sad days and crisis moments while this was down, I have blogged elsewhere but it is glad to be back home here where I have put in so much time. |
Comments ( 0 ) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link |
Share and enjoy
4/3/2008
-
Hot, sticky, frustrating life right Now.
|
Did not post yesterday, have many entries saved on laptop but unable to get online with it. I feel down and sad and the moods go up and down faster than I can keep up, I broke up with Wife. Gf, whatever she is and then went back and left and went back, I have been cutting a lot but now trying the ice cube method , I do not wnat to die but never sure if I wnat to live. You know life is hard when you wonder if you would be betetr off in a wooden box than in a cozy apartment. Still many frustratring problems here, but at least I have money for another month. There is a song I like and there are two statements in lyrics that hit me .
Nothing changes, unless I do ! The wounds NEVER heal ! |
Comments ( 0 ) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link |
Share and enjoy
4/1/2008
-
Tossing up hands .
| I just wanna toss up my hands and give up sometimes, many times actually. I get positive, motivated feelings but then I crash hard to the ground. Why does life have to be so damn hard ? Why can't it ever be easy ? I just am so frustrated, angry, sad, and wanna sleep it all away. Borderline, addict, whatever . It is obvious that for whatever reason life is so hard for me, I see people smile and laugh and enjoy life but everything is a hassle and so damn hard for me, When will that change ?? |
Comments ( 1 ) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link |
Share and enjoy
4/1/2008
-
Was it that bad ?
| Was it really that bad ? Was my addiction and using that much pain ? If I have to ask that question then we know what the answer is don't we ? I never am able to stop once I start and the saying one is too many and a thousand is never enough speaks of me more than I can explain. I will examine some of the memories of my drinking and using , some of them as my memory is not all that well of those times. • The first period was the Everett period, hanging out with Clay and all of his younger friends ( I was 18 and they all were 14-16 ) drinking 40 oz malt beers playing street hockey, having all night parties , and so forth. Many nights getting so smashed that I did not remember where I was, later we included Crown royal rum and I often got sick beyond belief. I later moved in with some of these kids and we lived in a house that was booze central, not many sober days back then. • During that same period I later started hanging out with Clay's other group of friends and those were the hippies , that is when I first tried drugs ( 18 or 19 ) I started smoking weed with them and later started with LSD and would do that every once and awhile but soon it became several times per week. I would do it only when someone else had it but later I would but it and do it whenever I could . I later started going to NYC with my friend Juan and did Coke for the first time as well as Special K (Ketamine ) and Ecstasy. I would then go to the gay bars in Boston and find coke and do it whenever I could , the LSD use continued with Clay's friend Josh and through this whole time I drank regularly . • I had no real consequences from my using , I would get hangovers from my drinking binges and been worn down from my drug use but no hospitals yet, depression was not that bad, no financial or other negative aspects and addiction was not clear or at least not on the surface yet. • Montreal ventures was the next period, several times over next 4 or 5 years I would go to Montreal and party, doing coke and going to peep shows, drinking heavily on my bar hopping tours, having blackouts and going to hospital on a few occasions for chest pains. This is when the consequences began. • During marriage I did LSD on many occasions with ex wife and I also went back to Montreal for the sole purpose of partying, often leaving my responsibilities. When we moved to Florida with our son I got responsible again but only briefly , I again started drinking again after work nightly, driving home drunk every night and vomiting afterwards, many hangovers, lost jobs, money wasted, etc. I neglected my family and drown my marital problems in alcohol. I would do poppers often while watching porn and would have headaches and breathing problems . • After my divorce I drank even more, more driving drunk, more blackouts , and other consequences. I did meth for first time in many years ( there was a time back in LA when married that I did coke and meth often ) I started doing more coke and had many times where I went to hospital for chest pains . I later went to Boston after a few failed relationships . •Back in Boston period was a lot of continued drinking, more consequences from such and a few times doing coke which led to more chest pains and breathing problems. i drank everyday for months. would get drunk and go have sex with many men. • Went to Hawaii where the pattern of daily drinking binges coupled with popper use at bath house continued . • I then went to Texas where it all came crashing down, I had consequences but never knew that it was a problem. It never came crashing down like this. I started looking for coke and bought crack on street for several nights, I went to ER in ambulance for six or seven straight nights. I started getting coke at gay bars and from people at work and did it all the time and doing it at bath houses and at home, going to hospital and doing it again. I lost my apartment, job, and more. I went to my first meetings here in Austin in 2005 and then ran away to San Francisco as I remembered doing Meth there and figured I could do less drugs and stay higher longer. •In SF I continued to do Meth and became homeless and was using all the time, I found NA and then CMA and AA and met some great people in recovery but it was almost two years of relapses and madness. I ended up in psych ward after using over 20 times, rehabs, ER over and over, lost it all and let lots of people down. I went to Utah thinking it would be better and the drinking started again and more of the same. went back to SF and was back on Meth. I left SF to get away from meth and have relapsed on coke in Costa Rica and alcohol on a few occasions here in Nicaragua, returned to SF and started with meth again, more of the same bullshit. Now I have 36 days clean and sober and question if my addiction is for real, if I am really an addict or if it was really that bad.. do I need more proof, more research ?? I don't know, I guess I have had enough, I mean I think the fun has ceased . I feel drugs in my lungs and alcohol on my tongue although I am clean and sober.. Will I stay in the solution or will I fall yet again...Times hall tell. |
Comments ( 0 ) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link |
Share and enjoy
4/1/2008
-
The steps will save my ass.
| How powerless am I over my addictions and my mental illness ? I wake up clean and sober and get through each day solely on my reliance on a power greater than myself and by knowing that alone I can't make it, but with help I can find a better way. My addictions will never go away and that negative voice always lurks but I can overcome one day at a time with faith and work. I have to remember everyday I am powerless over my feelings and addictions but with the fellowship of AA and a higher power I can recover. Who can restore me to sanity ? The lord who put me here on earth and only He. How can I be restored and recover ? Become willing to completely turn over my will to that higher power. Searching and fearless moral inventory ? Digging deep down through all of the emotional baggage, character defects, and wreckage of the past to start to begin the process of recovery, to recover fully we must first see where we have been and what causes us to use. Admit to God, myself, and another the exact nature of my wrongs ? Hard part here, admitting the nature of my wrongs, admitting what I have done is not easy but a crucial step for me or anyone. i have yet to do this fully and this is a key reason why I continue to fail at recovery. Am I ready to have these defects of character removed ? I am ready, scared, but at this point have no idea where to start, sometimes wonder what are defects and what are deep seeded problems of the brain. Humbly asking God to remove these defects ? I know what this means, I know that I ask the lord to remove all of my defects, I ask with all of my heart to remove these problems and behavioral problems. Persons I have harmed ? I have harmed many people in my addiction, myself more but others of course. Part of the process of recovery ( and no different for me ) is to make amends to those I have harmed, including myself. Making a list is the first step. Following through on that list ? Vital to moving forward, I have trouble following through with things but I must make amends to all those that I have harmed and starting to clean up the wreckage of my past. Continue to take inventory and when wrong admit it ? I must always be vigilant and admit when I have fallen backwards or am not acting in responsible AA ways, admitting I am wrong is another challenge, something I have never been good at . Praying and continuing to seek out God in all I do ? Only way I would stay sober, It is through God that I will stay in the solution and prayer is another powerful tool to accomplish all of this. Carrying the message to others that suffer ? This is something that I look forward to and although I am right there still in my disease full throttle I try to help others having had much experience with the program, I hope to get this and help others get it as well. This is a fatal illness and I want to help others achieve recovery but first I must do so myself. These are my current view of the AA steps, the steps are the way out of this hopeless state of mind and body and will change me and my life if I give it all that I have. I never have fully given myself to this program and that is why I still suffer. I hope this time with hard work and the grace of God I can recover and get It. |
Comments ( 0 ) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link |
Share and enjoy