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4/1/2008
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The steps will save my ass.
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4/1/2008
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That is it, I just wanna Quit !
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3/31/2008
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It is just me here, nothing to fill me up.
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I sit here watching people put back the beer and rum and wish I could join them, I guess I could but then what would become of me ? I would feel bad that I failed at recovery once again and then I would act out and feel depressed, it would take away the bad feelings for awhile but for how long ? I can't drink or drug. i have to keep reminding myself of that. I feel so lost without AA , I need it but not possible here, I need the fellowship of those like me. I feels so alone, I need some instant gratification, Girls, guys, alcohol, drugs, travel, something !!!! There is nothing to fill me, nobody to listen to my tears, I am just here with myself, my broken dreams, and , and ????
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3/31/2008
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Run boy Run..
| Somedays I just wanna up and call it quits, I am surrounded by this wall of bricks. My life is like one big ball of shit. If I could just put it all in a ball of spit instead of trying swallow it all as one. I do not see a way out or an escape from all this bullshit and it is fuckin driving me into a fit. Instead of staring at this wall with writers block that fills me and never lets me get free and just let go. I do not wanna see one more of my alcoholic fits nor go through all of this damn stuff anymore. I wonder if it is too late to finally see , whoever finds me is gonna be surprised to know that I have talent and promise and am not just a loser as I often appear. I write and write and it's not good enough so I crumple it up and try again. I am gonna write and write till I get it right, I feel like my life is surrounded by barbed wire and nothing can help me to get over that fence. Fuck this shit, I am gonna win this race and then come back and throw it in the world's face. I see hope, I have motivation if I can just live and stop all this damn complaining. |
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3/31/2008
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Hmmm
| Still having a rough go of it and not sure where that will lead me, I hope I do not have to drink my worries down the drain nor fly away to someone new. I hope I can stay on the right path and deal with these uncomfortable feelings until I can get help either from doctors or my own inner strength, Do I even have any of that ? Waking up sober is something very new for me and somewhat weird but at least I am not living on the street, trying to score some dope , or any of the other insane things that I do in my active addiction. Yes, I am sad but I still have a chance to do something with my life, it's not over yet. Just sitting here online, frustrated that I have no internet at home, that nobody here understands my pain nor can help me , and that I am wanting to get loaded but I am breathing and guess that is something to be grateful for. |
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3/31/2008
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Give us a chance.
| People blame the alcoholic, addict, or person who suffers from psychological disorders for their actions but the truth is would you blame a person who has Turrets syndrome for spouting off obscenities or an autistic child for acting out ? No, most people would not as it is not their fault or conscious choice to act out in such ways but rather their disease talking. It is no different for the alcoholic, addict, BPD sufferer or any other disease of the mind. We know that acting out, abusing drugs or alcohol or whatever is harmful and not the right choice but it is all that we know sometimes and our disease is constantly telling us lies and trying to convince us that it is who we are or confusing us with complex feelings and thoughts. I have relapsed over and over because I wanted a quick fix to what I was feeling. I needed to get out of myself and feel different and I continue to struggle with that. BPD and addiction rules my days, I have to really put an astronomical effort into not letting my illnesses cause me to act out or in , To see through the lies and choose recovery. Whether it is my addictions, psych problems , or overall insecurities the fact is that it all makes my life unmanageable and unbearable most of the time. I must treat it all in each moment of each day, I must choose to fight and not give in. I must do this for me and not for anyone else, if I do it for someone else it will never work. I guess I have not given up in this fight, I guess I must feel that my life is worth living and I still have a fighting chance to be someone great, if not then I would just let myself go. Do not blame us for our disease, we do try. Do not call us weak, we need your support. Give us a chance and maybe you will see despite the major hurdles we as Borderlines, bipolar, addicts, alcoholics, etc face day to day we do have great gifts and can make a difference in the world shall we overcome. |
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3/31/2008
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On my Alcoholism
| If I forget that I am an alcoholic, addict, or any other of the problems that I have it is like forgetting my name or any of the defining parts of who I am because alcoholism is as much a part of who I am as my name or anything else and if I ever forget that I am an alcoholic, addict, fill in the blank then I might as well forget it all as I will be finished. These addictions have tried to kill me and almost have on many occasions and if I do not remember where my addiction takes me then I will end up right back there. The only way to change the world is to change yourself I heard once, the only time to do that is now as for those who have passed due to this disease there is no more change and there is no more now. The one thing that stands out to me that I have heard over and over in the program is ' Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path " Those words stand out to me as I have failed and relapsed so much and not be able to get it as I have never thoroughly seen this thing through, I have tried my way over and over again and from doing that I have had to do it over and over again. I have had to raise my hand stating that I am a newcomer countless times, gone through the pain of detox , and just gone through the misery that we all have endure, and the fact is that I did not have to and I do not have to anymore. Choosing to pick up again is choosing to be refunded that misery and going through it all over again. The essence of this disease is that we can't stand ourselves and until we learn how to love ourselves then we can't love anybody else. We can't give away what we don't have and we can't be anything until we let go absolutely . Letting go is something I cannot seem to do, but the truth is that if you just let go, don't worry about it and stay sober one day at a time then it all will work itself out, living one day at a time. The fact that we cannot stand ourselves molds us into the defective people that we become, what amazes me is that we ( alcoholics, addicts, etc ) have amazing gifts that we waste because we hate ourselves so much and choose that we cannot do anything good so we choose to go the other way and self destruct. We believe the lies that we and others tell ourselves about ourselves and by doing that we create our alcoholism and go down the path of pain and misery. How do we let go ? How does someone with deep seeded self hate, pain, and doubts who thinks that he can do no good and the chance of doing something different, something better is not possible put down the drink, walk away from the pipe and choose to let go and try something different ? Life is painful, unfair, and sometimes pure misery but life is also what we make of it, how we view who we are determines what we do, how we live, and the choices we make. Alcoholism is not about alcohol, the booze and drugs is just a symptom of a greater problem and that is us, we have these feelings that we are not good enough, that we can never measure up, and that all we can do to escape the internal madness is to drink, drug, or run away from ourselves. When will I learn that I cannot escape who I am, I cannot drink or drug enough that will make it all better, in fact I have been shown that it makes it worse. I have to look at the bigger picture and see that I am an alcoholic, I am an addict, I have these character defects and ways about me that make my life unmanageable but if I can let go of my way, don't drink or drug no matter what, and work on myself from the inside out one day at a time then there is hope. I often wonder what my purpose is and what good I can do and I know that I only have to do two things to have lived a life of purpose, I have to stay clean and sober and not harm myself in any way one day at a time and I have to carry the message so that I can help others like me achieve sobriety and find their own purpose in life. Everything else is icing on the cake. I will have moments when I wanna drink or drug, when my disease lies to em and tries to kill me, when I feel unworthy and like a piece of shit but I must remember at these times that God let me live for a reason and if I am sober today then I am a success. Saying goodbye is hard but possible if we believe that the life we miss is not really a life at all. |
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3/30/2008
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Today"s feelings yet again.
| Last night I lost it, first time in so long that I acted out in such ways, Leo did not know what to think but I warned her that this could happen. I feel so sad and out of it, like I am without what I need. I do not want to leave but feel that I cannot stay either. I feel the candle of my life is becoming dimmer and dimmer and soon it will be out. If I die and cannot go on will people forget about me or will I have some sort of legacy , I feel that I must find a reason to live or I cannot live anymore. I wish there was something someone could say that would erase each and every page that I have been through. I wish someone could save me from myself and the hell of what I feel each and every day . I know that they will still go on without me long after I am dead and gone but cannot accept that possibility however I have given up on life long ago, it is just that I have been unable to make the final choice to say goodbye to this world once and for all. I just want to feel normal, I want others to understand what I go through each and every day. I want something to jump out at me and save me from a dim , dim existence but nothing seems to do that. I go through ups and downs, I have some good times in life but of late I feel I am slipping away . |
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3/30/2008
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becoming..
| 18 becomes 20 I have postponed plenty 25 comes along and passes I never did finish those classes as the third decade comes near I am now starting to see my greatest fear 30 years old and nothing has changed except that I am a bit more deranged 31 brings me nothing 32 is more of the same 33 is now here and I feel so very lame I speak of a life wasted, dreams faded I feel so very jaded The first thirty two plus years have brought me little I did drug after drug, mistake after mistake Are you beginning to see my fate ? 33 shall become 34 then I will have to endure this life some more Nothing to show for the multiple times 365 days pass me by Unless I finally find a way to face the fears, overcome the adversities and tell the world that this time I will not be denied. |
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3/30/2008
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Exhausting Emotions ( last night post # 2 )
| I wanted this blog to be a place where I could give hope to those that suffer from this disorder that recovery is possible but as I fall apart before your very eyes I apologize for not being that voice of reason and inspiration. I hear people say to me that they are cured from BPD, I don't believe it as I know that there is no cure from this death sentence. I say to God ( if there is one ) as it is said in a song I am listening to right now, 'Take me away, I have nothing left to say' I have seen it all and it is never, never enough. I sit here in pain, I slice the flesh to feel something besides this madness inside of me, Leo sits in the other room watching TV not understanding or seeing how I hurt. I told her to go to her Mom's house as I am about to act in ways that I want nobody to see and she said nothing. I want to write something positive but how can I if all I feel is pain and nothingness. I have so much to be grateful for but I am not, I just want to fuckin die sometimes, in some moments and this is one of those times. Maybe in five minutes I will be OK but now I feel like a sad lonely animal who is alone without his mother. I feel I will soon do what I have done so many times in the past and leave someone who was there for me, I need to leave Leo and be alone. I complain that everyone abandons me but then we someone gets too close I have to get away, I am such a nut. I already feel the madness fleeting but I know it will return, guess it is time to wash the blood from my arm and go spend some time with my puppy and maybe get some joy before the day ends and another lonely, sad day begins. How come some people live such rich, happy lives and others just feel such sadness and dread every waking moment ? I just want to be alone with my puppy and laptop and write, I want to write about all that I feel until I do not feel it anymore. These rage attacks, mood swings, and everything else I go through in my Borderline hell is so exhausting. I thought it was supposed to get easier and not harder, so far in this 11th day of my 33rd year it feels just like every other year, which is the same bullshit n craziness. |
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3/30/2008
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Shit, here we go again..(last night post # 1 )
| What I feel right now is so difficult to go through and what makes it even more hard is the fact that I have no real support here where I live or at least no body that really understands what I am constantly going through. I feel so anxious, like I am going to jump out of my skin and explode . Part of this is the fact that my Psych medications have run out and there are severe physical and psychological withdrawal symptoms that go along with that as well as being without the medicines that I need to function or at least deal with life better. I just want to disappear and not deal with anyone or anything, Leo wants me to go to a family function tomorrow with her but I just cannot, I feel like I just want to lay in bed all day or bury myself in my computer and not talk to anyone, put on the fake smile, or any of that of which people expect. Mental illness here in Central America is real as it is anywhere but people do not recognize it as the seriousness that it is, There are no Therapists , mental clinics or hospitals, or treatment. To suffer from something like BPD , depression, and addiction issues such as I do and not have long term treatment one cannot function and life becomes a constant , painful struggle. So called normal people without these issues cannot understand this. I always try to explain Leo about my problems and why I act in certain ways buts he does not get it, and how could she as she has neither gone through it or known anyone who has I feel like I need a drink or drug or to go in the hospital, I just cannot tolerate these thoughts , feelings, or any of it. Positive thinking does not work, people with BPD who do not have treatment are less powerful than their minds, they have the odds stacked against them and of course will try other methods to alleviate that pain. I hope I can get through this but right now I feel very, very bad and have no idea how to treat this.. I am having to be my own Doctor, therapist, social worker, and sponsor and that is not possible but what choice do I have. I just don't know what to do anymore, of course the moods come and go and things do feel better at times but the lows are chronically hopeless of late and nothing seems to work. |
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3/30/2008
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Untreated BPD
| Often I am told that BPD is a curable illness of which with treatment people do recover. I find a hard time believing this as I continue to struggle immensely with the disorder. After much research I have found some reasons why some have a higher possibility of recovery and getting better to which they can live happier and healthier lives. There are numerous factors which play a role in whether a person can have a better chance at recovery, these factors are economical, psychological, emotional, developmental, and more. · Those who had an earlier onset of symptoms or a later onset . · The longer the chronic symptoms persist then the more likely that they will continue to persist. · The more serious the symptoms they the less likely they will remit without years and years of constant care. · Those with other accompanying disorders such as substance abuse or depression have greater difficulty in the recovery process. · The more someone experiences the symptom of impulsivity and compulsive behaviors then the more difficult treatment will be. · Those with poor and instable relationships with their parents or absence of a parent are also in for a greater battle. · Those who receive disability payments for their BPD or other mental illness are less likely to recover fully than those who have their own personal income. Other factors that get in the way of treatment · Poverty · Hopelessness · jealousy · physical illness · Trauma and loss · Treatment unavailable · lack of faith Untreated BPD is dangerous as Many Borderlines feel chronic feelings of worthlessness and therefore have recurrent suicidal ideations , If there illness is left untreated then the lifespan of many of these individuals is Very short and prognosis is not very good at all. Treatment is a lifelong process that requires patience and a strong support system. We are not a patient bunch and if we are not treated then we can become impulsive and explosive . There is hope for the BPD patient if they have the proper care and understanding but for those unfortunate souls who have either no access to treatment or who have lost hope in getting better then the future is a dark and lonely place. |
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3/29/2008
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Pursuit of Happiness. Possible ?
| What is happiness ? Does it even exist, is obtaining it even possible or are we only able to pursue it ? People us that word all of the time but what does it really mean ? What does happy look like ? How does happy feel ? I know that moments of joy are possible but is that happiness ? Is happiness a momentarily feeling or a state of being in which someone reaches a point where there life is lived in this state ? What brings a person happiness ? Is it money? Love ? Success ? Being of service to others ? These questions are legitimate ones in my opinion , they make you think and ask more questions. Are we really happy or are we just existing until we come upon something that makes us feel like we are ? People speak of emotional states like happiness or depression or anger or anything at all like they are absolutes. Nothing on this earth is an absolute, nothing exist solely without other things to go along with it. I wonder if happiness is a place that one arrives or moments of joy and pleasure along a greater journey in which you experience all kinds of different emotions and states of being. Are we forever searching for this "Happiness " or do we accept that maybe it is a myth, a place that only exist in our dreams ? Who is happy in a world that says you have to be the most beautiful, rich, smart? In a society that says we have to have the biggest house, car, bank account. Where we strive for perfection but never get there, where society always ups the ante and pushes the line further ahead. Is happiness like perfection in that it is not possible, where it is possible to feel good at times but we can never be truly happy ? Is the person who says "I want to be happy " forever trying to reach a place that is not there ? Are they destined to be disappointed in what they find in this endless search for happiness. Are we better off to be satisfied in our pursuit of happiness instead of worrying about whether we will get there or not? These are important questions as we live in a society and world where we are on this endless mission to find this state we call happiness, what does this mean ? Finally, is happiness something that must be obtained in ourselves first or can we feel it from all that we seek in life ? Maybe, happiness is a series of moments and not a destination as so many of us feel that it is. What do you think ? |
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3/29/2008
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Bedtime is the best time. (wrote last night )
| Feels sometimes like I do not exist and it is like I am not real. I have to do something cut or do something to see that I am really alive. People do not understand this but it is true. I just feel such blankness at times and it is like I cannot muster any thoughts at all, I just want to escape so bad in those moments I cannot even explain how emotionally suffocating these feelings are for me. The feelings of not having any type of connection with myself makes me want to do anything to feel like I belong , I do not care what I belong to I just want to get out of me, out of this nothingness that is my mind, body, and soul. I cannot remember past events as they feel as if they never took place, I see the world pass me by and feel like an extra in a movie where my part is just a mere millisecond , the stars are treated with such glory as I am just ignored by all of the film's viewers. Physical pain makes me feel like I am here, emotional pain eats at me every moment of every day I feel alone although I am surrounded by bodies, I feel empty although I constantly fill up with something, I feel like nothing although I try to be something, someone, anything or anyone. Joy is fleeting and pain lasts forever, there is no medicine for this pain, no IV that can drip a reliever into my veins, nothing to help ease the madness that fills my days. It has been 18 years of wishing, hoping that I could be someone great, do amazing things, and be important but nothing has come to fruition as of yet, opportunity has yet to knock at my door. Bedtime is the best time of the day, it is a time when I can cut my losses, when I can sleep and feel no pain, when I can enter a new and different world where I can recreate myself into whatever I wish to be through my dreams. So, until morning when the trauma shall return I say goodnight darkness, bring on peace and harmony. |
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3/28/2008
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The Storm
| Thunder and lighting crashes in on this house where I am fighting. I lay in my bed screaming in emotional trauma , I feel all alone with nobody to listen . I hear the rain hit the tin roof, I hear the wind bang against the door. I crawl up in a ball of fear asking the Lord to take away the pain that I can no longer bear. I think of my Son in heaven and my Boy off the coast and how I am a dad without a child to love, How I am a failure in all that I have ever done or tried to do. I think of one thing that I am good at, one thing I do well, One thing that will take this all away in an instant..That is the pipe full of white clouds, I am good at getting high. I know how to live that life and I am good at it too..I remember the nights in that porn booth, the nights smoking crystal when nothing hurt and there were no worries, no memories of broken dreams and unanswered prayers, when I was wanted for something, when my resume was not considered.. I would smoke and smoke until all the pain was erased and when it returned I would once again light up that skinny glass pipe.. Just writing these words makes me yearn for another hit, another turn. I try to do the right thing, I try to make the right choice, but I know the odds are against me in this fight, I know what I am and it is not what I was born to be, But it is my reality. I am an addict, I am a mental case, that is who I am and who I shall be.. or maybe, just maybe I could go the other way and be someone great, do something amazing, and not be lost in this prison in my mind and always chasing the next high. I still hear that thunder but the rain has ceased, maybe that means soon I can sleep and have some peace knowing that at this point I am not living on the street. Death, depression, poverty, addiction, and blankness fills me as I finish this up.. Sometimes I just don't want to give a fuck, but I do. I would not be where I am at if I did not think that I had a chance, a chance at what you ask, maybe this or that or who knows but if I did not have hope then I would still be on the streets of Cali looking for my dope. This time I may make it but I'm never sure , This time I see my ways and how I can be different for at least today. |
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3/28/2008
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Then and now.
| Today I still feel sick, sore throat and just icky but I got up and played with my puppy Toby for awhile then left to go to the youth hostel as they have wireless access there, would be so much better to have Internet at home so then I could be home with Toby and not have to deal with the world. I am sitting home right now angry at my wife as she stays and talks to people for what seems like forever when I tell her I need to go home and lay down, she keeps on talking. See, nobody understands the Borderline. They do not understand that now means now and when we cannot get what we need at that moment then it is crisis time. I have learned from my illness that when I feel very bad emotionally ( and of course physically too) then I need to get away from people and stress and go and lay down , If I feel sick, stresses, or tired then I go into crisis mode and cannot function. I cannot do the things that others can and for many people that is hard to comprehend, they expect me to do the things that they can and not to complain when I am faced with a hard situation. There are some things that I was not able to do ( like type without looking at the keyboard ) but there are many that I will never be able to do and if people cannot accept that then I guess it is their problem and not mine. I am going to go to the hostel again soon and do some more stuff online and maybe call it an early night tonight. Being sick physically often can affect my emotional state and often does. Sometimes (more often than not ) I just want to be alone . People with BPD typically feel lost when they are all alone and sometimes I do but when I am alone then I can do what I want and do not have other people's actions determining how I feel, people do not tell me that I feel is not true or it is wrong. I care about my wife but of late I am annoyed with her and ready to just walk away . I have enough to deal with on my own , I do not need to always hear someone tell me, 'no dog on bed', wait for me' . do this, do that, etc, etc.. I do what I want, when I want. Being with someone who tells me what to do makes me who already does not know who I am further not know who I am, takes away all control. By the time I had got here to the Internet to post the previous rant I had saved my feelings had changed at least three or four times, that is within less than two hours . I still feel the way I did but the immediate anger and emptiness comes and goes. This is such a temporary disease as each moment feels like an eternity but is rapidly fleeting. Sometimes I feel like a nut and I guess sometimes I am a nut. That simple really, another thing that happens is I often am unable to recall past events, It almost feels like it never happened in a sense. I then talked with a friend who I volunteered with for many months here and it was good to get out of myself and do something normal, I may volunteer again part time there, It is at a place that helps street children. Going to eat some dinner now, trying to manage the moods. Such a tall task. |
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3/28/2008
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Learning to just let go.
| Letting go is a difficult process no matter what you are trying to let go of. It could be addictions or harmful behaviors, situations which no longer serve you nor anyone else, or anything in which no longer has a place in your life. First one must decide to let go and do so once and for all, meaning they must make a commitment to saying goodbye to the person, place, or thing they are trying to separate from. They must say to themselves , 'No, I will not let you impact my life like this any longer'. Then they must stick to this course of action or else it does no good at all. Then after letting go you must not return to that person, place, or thing no matter what. You must trust that this was the right choice and whatever happens will happen but it will not be because of action taken on your part. Of course for the addict .alcoholic, or person who suffers from mental illness then this task is much larger and will take more work but It can be done. Especially the person with such illnesses as Borderline personality disorder, Obsessive compulsive disorder, or any illness that makes the person more impulsive and have difficulty controlling their actions then the task is much more difficult and the road ahead is more of a challenge, these folks need to be more vigilant and do things to retrain their minds to replace these obsessive and compulsive thoughts with healthy, counteractive thoughts. Either way the process of letting go for anyone starts with a choice, that is a choice that you will no longer let this thing or whatever control you and rule your life. After having made that all important choice the next step is to stick to that choice that you made , do not let anything convince you to go back on it. Remember that there is nothing you can do ( most times ) to change the reality of the situation, you cannot control what is out of your hands. People just have to do their best with what they have and give it up to God or whatever they put their hope and trust in. For those with the above mentioned disorders they must constantly remind themselves that there is nothing they can do that will ever be enough. There will never be enough drugs to get you high enough where you will be satisfied, you will never do repetitive, obsessive behaviors enough to feel OK about that in which you are worried about. You will never feel you have done enough to fix the situation because you cannot fix what is not broken but you can make it broken. Letting Go is something that is necessary in order to be at peace, to be able to say to yourself 'I did my part and now it is up to my higher power' . Letting go is about stop trying to fix everything, everyone, and just be. Although Letting go is a process it is also as I mentioned a choice, a time when you say 'I have done all that I can, now it is up to another or the universe' . A time when you say, what will be will just be.One must be willing to ask for and accept help as It is all too much for us without help. We can never do it alone, we can however say to ourselves that I did my best and now I hand it over to someone who can possibly help. Letting Go is not just about turning something over that is too much for us but also knowing when we have given it our best and the situation is what it is and nothing more we do will make it better or change it. There are many ways to let go, but in my opinion one must look at the situation and ask themselves the following questions. 1. Is this situation more than I can handle alone ? 2. Have I done all that I can ? Can I do this on my own ? 3. Will further action do more harm than good ? 4. Am I in control ? 5. Is there a problem or is it in my mind ? Of course not every situation in which we need to let go can you apply all of these questions. There are so many things that we can let go of and in which times we need to let go, but just some examples. In a situation where people suffer from a disorder like OCD (Obsessive compulsive disorder ) there is no set way of letting go of thoughts that continue to cause one to repeat behaviors based on those irrational thoughts. One reason is that the thoughts are so powerful that the person actually feels they have to act on them and that there is a problem at hand . Trying to retrain their mind is one way and another is to obviously remember that it is their illness talking although that is a less likely to work approach. Then there are addicts who by themselves cannot stay clean and sober and need to surrender in order to make it, they need to often surrender to themselves first and then to the program of whatever 12 step they are in, then to health care professionals and finally and most important they must give it up to a higher power and let go of their ways of doing things. There are many other situations and examples of letting go, everything from people who lose loved ones to death who need to let go of the pain and guilt and move on in the healing process to any situation in life where you give it your best but it is no longer in your control or where it never was. Letting go is not an easy task, we all want to do it our way, to fix it now but there comes a point when we have done all that we can or we are faced with things that there is nothing that we can do. We live in a society that has slogans such has 'just do it', 'No fear', and many more positive 'you can do it, you don't need any help ' ways of thinking but the truth is that is not always true. There are times when we have no choice but to toss up our hands and say I need some help over here and that is OK. That does not mean we are powerless to act, quite the opposite actually. Admitting that one needs help is power, the greatest power. We do all we can and then we let someone else try or we Go for something , sometimes we want to be superman and do it all ourselves but sometimes we just need to Let go ! |
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3/28/2008
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Feel like a boy !
| Feel like a boy , people tell me no, wait, or you can go now. Feel like a child, they say I am inpatient, spoiled, or bad. Feel so inferior , I am yelled at, don't do this, wait here, not now they say. Rejection after rejection , No after No, It never stops, of course there are a few who care and do not disappoint.. there are others who get off on letting me down. but how many have I let down ? Too many to count. I don't wanna want, ask, or try ever again. It is doomed to be shot down, I am doomed to fail, it is my fate. I spill a drink, let the puppy play, or fail to impress and people yell.. that hurts don't you know, I am fragile don't they see. I told you that I feel like a boy but you say I am a man. I tell them I am a man in society's view but a boy in mine. Don't make me grow up, the world is scary, let me hide here. I wanna be a boy ! I wanna be a child ! I wanna just stay here where it is safe. Why can't I ? Why do I have to grow up ? |
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3/28/2008
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Last night's post.
| Feel sick right now with some sort flu but wanted to write something to post on my blog, Today is OK. I did not have any major outbursts or anything like that but my moods continue to fluctuate and it can get kind of nerve racking . Any type of disturbance at all can send me off the deep end, when people tell me No or put any type of criticism upon me at all then I take it to heart and even if I do not show it at the time eventually I personalize it and it crushes me. I just am tired, I am tired of trying to feel OK, To stay clean and sober, to please everyone, to be the perfect friend, husband, whatever.. I am tired of dealing with Me on a daily basis. I just wanna sleep and not deal with any of it. It has never been easy for me, when I was 10 it wasn't and now it for sure is not easy although I feel like I am 10 still, when I ask for something in life I am saying to myself the whole time, please say yes, please ?? I feel like everyone else controls my life, people decide what I can and cannot have. The government decides whether or not they want to keep paying me, friends and my wife decide where we go, when we go there, and what we do, I am so dependent on others for my happiness, maybe that is the problem, I cannot make myself happy. This was going to be a short and sweet post but I just fell into the hole of self pity. I am listening to a song right now called Take me away, I wish just that, someone would take me away from me and free me from what I feel, think, and am. It all is too much and it is never enough at the same time. I wonder if I am just a whiner or is all that I go through just too much for anyone to handle ? I am Borderline, bipolar, OCD, etc, etc, etc with no treatment at all, I am an addict in early recovery who never has been sober more than two months. , I just lost my son , I struggle financially, I feel constantly disappointed in myself and yet I am trying to pull through.. I guess that is a lot ?? I just petted my puppy and that felt good, he did not reject me. He did not say No, yell at me, tell me that I am not good enough, or I am messy, lazy, or any of the other things people tell me. I guess I will wrap up the pity party and do something else, maybe it is true that when you feel sick then it affects your mood or maybe I just always feel like crap. Who knows ! |
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3/27/2008
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5 month limit or I go nuts.