Living on the Border !!!
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4/12/2008
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Broken dreams remembered
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To quote the lyrics of a great band in the song promises broken : Every little thing about this tells me that NOTHING out there is ever gonna help me, all these words that I hear spoken , Just promises broken. Those words hit home because I had such promise for so long but I never achieved all that I hoped I would, I was promised an abundant life from my Lord and do I have one ??? Nope. I was promised by many that they would not hurt me, leave me, nor stomp my dreams out and yet ...PROMISES BROKEN . Of course there are some in my life that do not let me down and for that I am truly grateful , I just feel that There is nothing that will ever help me, nothing will take away the deeply imbedded pain and suffering and I am doomed. I hope that there is a way, that there is hope but if my future is anything like my past then I am in for much, much more pain. I know there are many that will tell me that I am smart, special,and talented and can do anything, that it will be OK but they do not know it will be OK, It has not been to this point so why should i think my future will be any different ? I sit here with the symptoms of my Bpd eating away at me as I try to go down a different path, thinking what if , what if ?? I feel so sad and like my life has been a waste but yet I am alive and struggling, oh how every Single moment is a painful fight to survive. Nobody can help me but I know that I do have support in my corner. I just have to decide is it worth it, is the pain I will continue to feel worth what I could possibly overcome, be , or accomplish ?? Will life be more of a great big broken promise or will it all be turned around ?? To quote another great band and there song... EVERYTHING CHANGES IF I DO ! |
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4/11/2008
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Little Hope without Treatment
There is no treatment for Bpd that is a cure all like there is for other disorders, nothing helps it seems for me . I know that there are those who have gotten better with Dbt and other therapies but I have no access to any help and we know that the prognosis for getting better with treatment is dim and bleak so imagine what that prognosis would be like for someone with no therapy, no doctor, no medications, limited support , and who has severe symptoms of the disorder as well as accompanying disorders and addiction issues.. I tell you from what I know I have my work cut out for me.. the chance of me getting better without care does not look good at all. Share and enjoy
4/11/2008
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About Damn Time
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Well, It is about time this thing is back up and running, was wondering when it would be back . A lot has gone on since my last post here, My GF / Wife and I have had many fights and disagreements and life has been hard, there is no Internet at my house yet, I have to go out to bars everyday to blog and surf the net but I do what I can and have to. I am doing my best despite the pain that I am going through. I feel that I cannot fully live my life until I have this problem fixed. Call it all or nothing thinking but I need things a certain way and if they are not that way then I cannot function. I have had lots of sad days and crisis moments while this was down, I have blogged elsewhere but it is glad to be back home here where I have put in so much time. |
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4/3/2008
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Hot, sticky, frustrating life right Now.
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Did not post yesterday, have many entries saved on laptop but unable to get online with it. I feel down and sad and the moods go up and down faster than I can keep up, I broke up with Wife. Gf, whatever she is and then went back and left and went back, I have been cutting a lot but now trying the ice cube method , I do not wnat to die but never sure if I wnat to live. You know life is hard when you wonder if you would be betetr off in a wooden box than in a cozy apartment. Still many frustratring problems here, but at least I have money for another month. There is a song I like and there are two statements in lyrics that hit me .
Nothing changes, unless I do ! The wounds NEVER heal ! |
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4/1/2008
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Tossing up hands .
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I just wanna toss up my hands and give up sometimes, many times actually. I get positive, motivated feelings but then I crash hard to the ground. Why does life have to be so damn hard ? Why can't it ever be easy ? I just am so frustrated, angry, sad, and wanna sleep it all away. Borderline, addict, whatever . It is obvious that for whatever reason life is so hard for me, I see people smile and laugh and enjoy life but everything is a hassle and so damn hard for me, When will that change ?? |
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4/1/2008
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Was it that bad ?
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Was it really that bad ? Was my addiction and using that much pain ? If I have to ask that question then we know what the answer is don't we ? I never am able to stop once I start and the saying one is too many and a thousand is never enough speaks of me more than I can explain. I will examine some of the memories of my drinking and using , some of them as my memory is not all that well of those times. • The first period was the Everett period, hanging out with Clay and all of his younger friends ( I was 18 and they all were 14-16 ) drinking 40 oz malt beers playing street hockey, having all night parties , and so forth. Many nights getting so smashed that I did not remember where I was, later we included Crown royal rum and I often got sick beyond belief. I later moved in with some of these kids and we lived in a house that was booze central, not many sober days back then. • During that same period I later started hanging out with Clay's other group of friends and those were the hippies , that is when I first tried drugs ( 18 or 19 ) I started smoking weed with them and later started with LSD and would do that every once and awhile but soon it became several times per week. I would do it only when someone else had it but later I would but it and do it whenever I could . I later started going to NYC with my friend Juan and did Coke for the first time as well as Special K (Ketamine ) and Ecstasy. I would then go to the gay bars in Boston and find coke and do it whenever I could , the LSD use continued with Clay's friend Josh and through this whole time I drank regularly . • I had no real consequences from my using , I would get hangovers from my drinking binges and been worn down from my drug use but no hospitals yet, depression was not that bad, no financial or other negative aspects and addiction was not clear or at least not on the surface yet. • Montreal ventures was the next period, several times over next 4 or 5 years I would go to Montreal and party, doing coke and going to peep shows, drinking heavily on my bar hopping tours, having blackouts and going to hospital on a few occasions for chest pains. This is when the consequences began. • During marriage I did LSD on many occasions with ex wife and I also went back to Montreal for the sole purpose of partying, often leaving my responsibilities. When we moved to Florida with our son I got responsible again but only briefly , I again started drinking again after work nightly, driving home drunk every night and vomiting afterwards, many hangovers, lost jobs, money wasted, etc. I neglected my family and drown my marital problems in alcohol. I would do poppers often while watching porn and would have headaches and breathing problems . • After my divorce I drank even more, more driving drunk, more blackouts , and other consequences. I did meth for first time in many years ( there was a time back in LA when married that I did coke and meth often ) I started doing more coke and had many times where I went to hospital for chest pains . I later went to Boston after a few failed relationships . •Back in Boston period was a lot of continued drinking, more consequences from such and a few times doing coke which led to more chest pains and breathing problems. i drank everyday for months. would get drunk and go have sex with many men. • Went to Hawaii where the pattern of daily drinking binges coupled with popper use at bath house continued . • I then went to Texas where it all came crashing down, I had consequences but never knew that it was a problem. It never came crashing down like this. I started looking for coke and bought crack on street for several nights, I went to ER in ambulance for six or seven straight nights. I started getting coke at gay bars and from people at work and did it all the time and doing it at bath houses and at home, going to hospital and doing it again. I lost my apartment, job, and more. I went to my first meetings here in Austin in 2005 and then ran away to San Francisco as I remembered doing Meth there and figured I could do less drugs and stay higher longer. •In SF I continued to do Meth and became homeless and was using all the time, I found NA and then CMA and AA and met some great people in recovery but it was almost two years of relapses and madness. I ended up in psych ward after using over 20 times, rehabs, ER over and over, lost it all and let lots of people down. I went to Utah thinking it would be better and the drinking started again and more of the same. went back to SF and was back on Meth. I left SF to get away from meth and have relapsed on coke in Costa Rica and alcohol on a few occasions here in Nicaragua, returned to SF and started with meth again, more of the same bullshit. Now I have 36 days clean and sober and question if my addiction is for real, if I am really an addict or if it was really that bad.. do I need more proof, more research ?? I don't know, I guess I have had enough, I mean I think the fun has ceased . I feel drugs in my lungs and alcohol on my tongue although I am clean and sober.. Will I stay in the solution or will I fall yet again...Times hall tell. |
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4/1/2008
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The steps will save my ass.
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How powerless am I over my addictions and my mental illness ? I wake up clean and sober and get through each day solely on my reliance on a power greater than myself and by knowing that alone I can't make it, but with help I can find a better way. My addictions will never go away and that negative voice always lurks but I can overcome one day at a time with faith and work. I have to remember everyday I am powerless over my feelings and addictions but with the fellowship of AA and a higher power I can recover. Who can restore me to sanity ? The lord who put me here on earth and only He. How can I be restored and recover ? Become willing to completely turn over my will to that higher power. Searching and fearless moral inventory ? Digging deep down through all of the emotional baggage, character defects, and wreckage of the past to start to begin the process of recovery, to recover fully we must first see where we have been and what causes us to use. Admit to God, myself, and another the exact nature of my wrongs ? Hard part here, admitting the nature of my wrongs, admitting what I have done is not easy but a crucial step for me or anyone. i have yet to do this fully and this is a key reason why I continue to fail at recovery. Am I ready to have these defects of character removed ? I am ready, scared, but at this point have no idea where to start, sometimes wonder what are defects and what are deep seeded problems of the brain. Humbly asking God to remove these defects ? I know what this means, I know that I ask the lord to remove all of my defects, I ask with all of my heart to remove these problems and behavioral problems. Persons I have harmed ? I have harmed many people in my addiction, myself more but others of course. Part of the process of recovery ( and no different for me ) is to make amends to those I have harmed, including myself. Making a list is the first step. Following through on that list ? Vital to moving forward, I have trouble following through with things but I must make amends to all those that I have harmed and starting to clean up the wreckage of my past. Continue to take inventory and when wrong admit it ? I must always be vigilant and admit when I have fallen backwards or am not acting in responsible AA ways, admitting I am wrong is another challenge, something I have never been good at . Praying and continuing to seek out God in all I do ? Only way I would stay sober, It is through God that I will stay in the solution and prayer is another powerful tool to accomplish all of this. Carrying the message to others that suffer ? This is something that I look forward to and although I am right there still in my disease full throttle I try to help others having had much experience with the program, I hope to get this and help others get it as well. This is a fatal illness and I want to help others achieve recovery but first I must do so myself. These are my current view of the AA steps, the steps are the way out of this hopeless state of mind and body and will change me and my life if I give it all that I have. I never have fully given myself to this program and that is why I still suffer. I hope this time with hard work and the grace of God I can recover and get It. |
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4/1/2008
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That is it, I just wanna Quit !
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Frustrations in life that make me so sad Living in the 3rd world there are so things that are different than that in developed nations and one of those is Internet access, I live in a city with more Internet cafes than hospitals, police stations, and restaurants combined but for some reason the cable company does not have the ability nor the desire to provide such access in my area of the city. I live on a street that runs to the south and the cable company does not have access in streets that run north-south outside of the downtown area. Only east- west and the frustrating part is that I live 3 houses away from a street that they do provide such access and yet they say it is not possible to extend service. Three damn houses ? If I had known this I would not have moved out of the center. So, I tried for DSL service with the phone company. No problem right ? This is not New York, London, or even Mexico . I learned that you can only get DSL service if your phone number starts with a 311 extension and not a 315 one. To complicate matters more you can only get that 311 number after you have had phone service for over five years. I thought, of course money talks in these kind of countries so I will be OK, I mean I am not rich by any means but I offered to pay them $100 for such a number and they would do it (wouldn't you ) but there are no more 311 numbers left so I have to wait months and months until one becomes available. Leaving me with only two options and those are two satellite companies , one charges $200 per month for service and the other only $70 but the installation charge is $200. The phone company does offer satellite service as well but they charge $75 per meter for installation, per fucking meter !!! So, although I have two awesome computers I am forced to go out everyday across town and to a bar or hostel that has Wi Fi and sit amongst people that make me uncomfortable and do my online stuff. I want to just sit at home in my boxers and do the dozens of things I gotta do daily online, I wanna get online at night, when I wake up but cannot. My recovery and sobriety depends on me getting support online but cannot fully. Leo ( my wife ) gets frustrated when I complain about this problem, when I get depressed and such. She thinks, it is just internet, not a big deal. The ability to get online is secondary to breathing for me and not being able to do so for such trivial reasons makes me sad, mad, and ready to just get on a plane and say goodbye to the third world and return to the first world. Today the likelihood of me getting arrested is high, I have drawn a map of my house and street and will go to the cable company making hand movements fighting for a solution, I will do this as none of the fuckers speak English. I feel like those postal workers who are wronged so they go and shoot up the office. I will not go that far as I am not violent but I feel like this. This is my rant, it is stuff like this that causes me to drink, use, and slice up my flesh. Ahhhhhhhh is how I feel. I just wanna toss up my hands and quit. |
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3/31/2008
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It is just me here, nothing to fill me up.
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I sit here watching people put back the beer and rum and wish I could join them, I guess I could but then what would become of me ? I would feel bad that I failed at recovery once again and then I would act out and feel depressed, it would take away the bad feelings for awhile but for how long ? I can't drink or drug. i have to keep reminding myself of that. I feel so lost without AA , I need it but not possible here, I need the fellowship of those like me. I feels so alone, I need some instant gratification, Girls, guys, alcohol, drugs, travel, something !!!! There is nothing to fill me, nobody to listen to my tears, I am just here with myself, my broken dreams, and , and ???? |
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3/31/2008
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Run boy Run..
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Somedays I just wanna up and call it quits, I am surrounded by this wall of bricks. My life is like one big ball of shit. If I could just put it all in a ball of spit instead of trying swallow it all as one. I do not see a way out or an escape from all this bullshit and it is fuckin driving me into a fit. Instead of staring at this wall with writers block that fills me and never lets me get free and just let go. I do not wanna see one more of my alcoholic fits nor go through all of this damn stuff anymore. I wonder if it is too late to finally see , whoever finds me is gonna be surprised to know that I have talent and promise and am not just a loser as I often appear. I write and write and it's not good enough so I crumple it up and try again. I am gonna write and write till I get it right, I feel like my life is surrounded by barbed wire and nothing can help me to get over that fence. Fuck this shit, I am gonna win this race and then come back and throw it in the world's face. I see hope, I have motivation if I can just live and stop all this damn complaining. |
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3/31/2008
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Hmmm
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Still having a rough go of it and not sure where that will lead me, I hope I do not have to drink my worries down the drain nor fly away to someone new. I hope I can stay on the right path and deal with these uncomfortable feelings until I can get help either from doctors or my own inner strength, Do I even have any of that ? Waking up sober is something very new for me and somewhat weird but at least I am not living on the street, trying to score some dope , or any of the other insane things that I do in my active addiction. Yes, I am sad but I still have a chance to do something with my life, it's not over yet. Just sitting here online, frustrated that I have no internet at home, that nobody here understands my pain nor can help me , and that I am wanting to get loaded but I am breathing and guess that is something to be grateful for. |
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3/31/2008
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Give us a chance.
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People blame the alcoholic, addict, or person who suffers from psychological disorders for their actions but the truth is would you blame a person who has Turrets syndrome for spouting off obscenities or an autistic child for acting out ? No, most people would not as it is not their fault or conscious choice to act out in such ways but rather their disease talking. It is no different for the alcoholic, addict, BPD sufferer or any other disease of the mind. We know that acting out, abusing drugs or alcohol or whatever is harmful and not the right choice but it is all that we know sometimes and our disease is constantly telling us lies and trying to convince us that it is who we are or confusing us with complex feelings and thoughts. I have relapsed over and over because I wanted a quick fix to what I was feeling. I needed to get out of myself and feel different and I continue to struggle with that. BPD and addiction rules my days, I have to really put an astronomical effort into not letting my illnesses cause me to act out or in , To see through the lies and choose recovery. Whether it is my addictions, psych problems , or overall insecurities the fact is that it all makes my life unmanageable and unbearable most of the time. I must treat it all in each moment of each day, I must choose to fight and not give in. I must do this for me and not for anyone else, if I do it for someone else it will never work. I guess I have not given up in this fight, I guess I must feel that my life is worth living and I still have a fighting chance to be someone great, if not then I would just let myself go. Do not blame us for our disease, we do try. Do not call us weak, we need your support. Give us a chance and maybe you will see despite the major hurdles we as Borderlines, bipolar, addicts, alcoholics, etc face day to day we do have great gifts and can make a difference in the world shall we overcome. |
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3/31/2008
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On my Alcoholism
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If I forget that I am an alcoholic, addict, or any other of the problems that I have it is like forgetting my name or any of the defining parts of who I am because alcoholism is as much a part of who I am as my name or anything else and if I ever forget that I am an alcoholic, addict, fill in the blank then I might as well forget it all as I will be finished. These addictions have tried to kill me and almost have on many occasions and if I do not remember where my addiction takes me then I will end up right back there. The only way to change the world is to change yourself I heard once, the only time to do that is now as for those who have passed due to this disease there is no more change and there is no more now. The one thing that stands out to me that I have heard over and over in the program is ' Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path " Those words stand out to me as I have failed and relapsed so much and not be able to get it as I have never thoroughly seen this thing through, I have tried my way over and over again and from doing that I have had to do it over and over again. I have had to raise my hand stating that I am a newcomer countless times, gone through the pain of detox , and just gone through the misery that we all have endure, and the fact is that I did not have to and I do not have to anymore. Choosing to pick up again is choosing to be refunded that misery and going through it all over again. The essence of this disease is that we can't stand ourselves and until we learn how to love ourselves then we can't love anybody else. We can't give away what we don't have and we can't be anything until we let go absolutely . Letting go is something I cannot seem to do, but the truth is that if you just let go, don't worry about it and stay sober one day at a time then it all will work itself out, living one day at a time. The fact that we cannot stand ourselves molds us into the defective people that we become, what amazes me is that we ( alcoholics, addicts, etc ) have amazing gifts that we waste because we hate ourselves so much and choose that we cannot do anything good so we choose to go the other way and self destruct. We believe the lies that we and others tell ourselves about ourselves and by doing that we create our alcoholism and go down the path of pain and misery. How do we let go ? How does someone with deep seeded self hate, pain, and doubts who thinks that he can do no good and the chance of doing something different, something better is not possible put down the drink, walk away from the pipe and choose to let go and try something different ? Life is painful, unfair, and sometimes pure misery but life is also what we make of it, how we view who we are determines what we do, how we live, and the choices we make. Alcoholism is not about alcohol, the booze and drugs is just a symptom of a greater problem and that is us, we have these feelings that we are not good enough, that we can never measure up, and that all we can do to escape the internal madness is to drink, drug, or run away from ourselves. When will I learn that I cannot escape who I am, I cannot drink or drug enough that will make it all better, in fact I have been shown that it makes it worse. I have to look at the bigger picture and see that I am an alcoholic, I am an addict, I have these character defects and ways about me that make my life unmanageable but if I can let go of my way, don't drink or drug no matter what, and work on myself from the inside out one day at a time then there is hope. I often wonder what my purpose is and what good I can do and I know that I only have to do two things to have lived a life of purpose, I have to stay clean and sober and not harm myself in any way one day at a time and I have to carry the message so that I can help others like me achieve sobriety and find their own purpose in life. Everything else is icing on the cake. I will have moments when I wanna drink or drug, when my disease lies to em and tries to kill me, when I feel unworthy and like a piece of shit but I must remember at these times that God let me live for a reason and if I am sober today then I am a success. Saying goodbye is hard but possible if we believe that the life we miss is not really a life at all. |
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3/30/2008
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Today"s feelings yet again.
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Last night I lost it, first time in so long that I acted out in such ways, Leo did not know what to think but I warned her that this could happen. I feel so sad and out of it, like I am without what I need. I do not want to leave but feel that I cannot stay either. I feel the candle of my life is becoming dimmer and dimmer and soon it will be out. If I die and cannot go on will people forget about me or will I have some sort of legacy , I feel that I must find a reason to live or I cannot live anymore. I wish there was something someone could say that would erase each and every page that I have been through. I wish someone could save me from myself and the hell of what I feel each and every day . I know that they will still go on without me long after I am dead and gone but cannot accept that possibility however I have given up on life long ago, it is just that I have been unable to make the final choice to say goodbye to this world once and for all. I just want to feel normal, I want others to understand what I go through each and every day. I want something to jump out at me and save me from a dim , dim existence but nothing seems to do that. I go through ups and downs, I have some good times in life but of late I feel I am slipping away . |
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3/30/2008
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becoming..
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18 becomes 20 I have postponed plenty 25 comes along and passes I never did finish those classes as the third decade comes near I am now starting to see my greatest fear 30 years old and nothing has changed except that I am a bit more deranged 31 brings me nothing 32 is more of the same 33 is now here and I feel so very lame I speak of a life wasted, dreams faded I feel so very jaded The first thirty two plus years have brought me little I did drug after drug, mistake after mistake Are you beginning to see my fate ? 33 shall become 34 then I will have to endure this life some more Nothing to show for the multiple times 365 days pass me by Unless I finally find a way to face the fears, overcome the adversities and tell the world that this time I will not be denied. |
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3/30/2008
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Exhausting Emotions ( last night post # 2 )
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I wanted this blog to be a place where I could give hope to those that suffer from this disorder that recovery is possible but as I fall apart before your very eyes I apologize for not being that voice of reason and inspiration. I hear people say to me that they are cured from BPD, I don't believe it as I know that there is no cure from this death sentence. I say to God ( if there is one ) as it is said in a song I am listening to right now, 'Take me away, I have nothing left to say' I have seen it all and it is never, never enough. I sit here in pain, I slice the flesh to feel something besides this madness inside of me, Leo sits in the other room watching TV not understanding or seeing how I hurt. I told her to go to her Mom's house as I am about to act in ways that I want nobody to see and she said nothing. I want to write something positive but how can I if all I feel is pain and nothingness. I have so much to be grateful for but I am not, I just want to fuckin die sometimes, in some moments and this is one of those times. Maybe in five minutes I will be OK but now I feel like a sad lonely animal who is alone without his mother. I feel I will soon do what I have done so many times in the past and leave someone who was there for me, I need to leave Leo and be alone. I complain that everyone abandons me but then we someone gets too close I have to get away, I am such a nut. I already feel the madness fleeting but I know it will return, guess it is time to wash the blood from my arm and go spend some time with my puppy and maybe get some joy before the day ends and another lonely, sad day begins. How come some people live such rich, happy lives and others just feel such sadness and dread every waking moment ? I just want to be alone with my puppy and laptop and write, I want to write about all that I feel until I do not feel it anymore. These rage attacks, mood swings, and everything else I go through in my Borderline hell is so exhausting. I thought it was supposed to get easier and not harder, so far in this 11th day of my 33rd year it feels just like every other year, which is the same bullshit n craziness. |
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3/30/2008
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Shit, here we go again..(last night post # 1 )
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What I feel right now is so difficult to go through and what makes it even more hard is the fact that I have no real support here where I live or at least no body that really understands what I am constantly going through. I feel so anxious, like I am going to jump out of my skin and explode . Part of this is the fact that my Psych medications have run out and there are severe physical and psychological withdrawal symptoms that go along with that as well as being without the medicines that I need to function or at least deal with life better. I just want to disappear and not deal with anyone or anything, Leo wants me to go to a family function tomorrow with her but I just cannot, I feel like I just want to lay in bed all day or bury myself in my computer and not talk to anyone, put on the fake smile, or any of that of which people expect. Mental illness here in Central America is real as it is anywhere but people do not recognize it as the seriousness that it is, There are no Therapists , mental clinics or hospitals, or treatment. To suffer from something like BPD , depression, and addiction issues such as I do and not have long term treatment one cannot function and life becomes a constant , painful struggle. So called normal people without these issues cannot understand this. I always try to explain Leo about my problems and why I act in certain ways buts he does not get it, and how could she as she has neither gone through it or known anyone who has I feel like I need a drink or drug or to go in the hospital, I just cannot tolerate these thoughts , feelings, or any of it. Positive thinking does not work, people with BPD who do not have treatment are less powerful than their minds, they have the odds stacked against them and of course will try other methods to alleviate that pain. I hope I can get through this but right now I feel very, very bad and have no idea how to treat this.. I am having to be my own Doctor, therapist, social worker, and sponsor and that is not possible but what choice do I have. I just don't know what to do anymore, of course the moods come and go and things do feel better at times but the lows are chronically hopeless of late and nothing seems to work. |
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3/30/2008
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Untreated BPD
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Often I am told that BPD is a curable illness of which with treatment people do recover. I find a hard time believing this as I continue to struggle immensely with the disorder. After much research I have found some reasons why some have a higher possibility of recovery and getting better to which they can live happier and healthier lives. There are numerous factors which play a role in whether a person can have a better chance at recovery, these factors are economical, psychological, emotional, developmental, and more. · Those who had an earlier onset of symptoms or a later onset . · The longer the chronic symptoms persist then the more likely that they will continue to persist. · The more serious the symptoms they the less likely they will remit without years and years of constant care. · Those with other accompanying disorders such as substance abuse or depression have greater difficulty in the recovery process. · The more someone experiences the symptom of impulsivity and compulsive behaviors then the more difficult treatment will be. · Those with poor and instable relationships with their parents or absence of a parent are also in for a greater battle. · Those who receive disability payments for their BPD or other mental illness are less likely to recover fully than those who have their own personal income. Other factors that get in the way of treatment · Poverty · Hopelessness · jealousy · physical illness · Trauma and loss · Treatment unavailable · lack of faith Untreated BPD is dangerous as Many Borderlines feel chronic feelings of worthlessness and therefore have recurrent suicidal ideations , If there illness is left untreated then the lifespan of many of these individuals is Very short and prognosis is not very good at all. Treatment is a lifelong process that requires patience and a strong support system. We are not a patient bunch and if we are not treated then we can become impulsive and explosive . There is hope for the BPD patient if they have the proper care and understanding but for those unfortunate souls who have either no access to treatment or who have lost hope in getting better then the future is a dark and lonely place. |
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3/29/2008
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Pursuit of Happiness. Possible ?
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What is happiness ? Does it even exist, is obtaining it even possible or are we only able to pursue it ? People us that word all of the time but what does it really mean ? What does happy look like ? How does happy feel ? I know that moments of joy are possible but is that happiness ? Is happiness a momentarily feeling or a state of being in which someone reaches a point where there life is lived in this state ? What brings a person happiness ? Is it money? Love ? Success ? Being of service to others ? These questions are legitimate ones in my opinion , they make you think and ask more questions. Are we really happy or are we just existing until we come upon something that makes us feel like we are ? People speak of emotional states like happiness or depression or anger or anything at all like they are absolutes. Nothing on this earth is an absolute, nothing exist solely without other things to go along with it. I wonder if happiness is a place that one arrives or moments of joy and pleasure along a greater journey in which you experience all kinds of different emotions and states of being. Are we forever searching for this "Happiness " or do we accept that maybe it is a myth, a place that only exist in our dreams ? Who is happy in a world that says you have to be the most beautiful, rich, smart? In a society that says we have to have the biggest house, car, bank account. Where we strive for perfection but never get there, where society always ups the ante and pushes the line further ahead. Is happiness like perfection in that it is not possible, where it is possible to feel good at times but we can never be truly happy ? Is the person who says "I want to be happy " forever trying to reach a place that is not there ? Are they destined to be disappointed in what they find in this endless search for happiness. Are we better off to be satisfied in our pursuit of happiness instead of worrying about whether we will get there or not? These are important questions as we live in a society and world where we are on this endless mission to find this state we call happiness, what does this mean ? Finally, is happiness something that must be obtained in ourselves first or can we feel it from all that we seek in life ? Maybe, happiness is a series of moments and not a destination as so many of us feel that it is. What do you think ? |
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3/29/2008
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Bedtime is the best time. (wrote last night )
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Feels sometimes like I do not exist and it is like I am not real. I have to do something cut or do something to see that I am really alive. People do not understand this but it is true. I just feel such blankness at times and it is like I cannot muster any thoughts at all, I just want to escape so bad in those moments I cannot even explain how emotionally suffocating these feelings are for me. The feelings of not having any type of connection with myself makes me want to do anything to feel like I belong , I do not care what I belong to I just want to get out of me, out of this nothingness that is my mind, body, and soul. I cannot remember past events as they feel as if they never took place, I see the world pass me by and feel like an extra in a movie where my part is just a mere millisecond , the stars are treated with such glory as I am just ignored by all of the film's viewers. Physical pain makes me feel like I am here, emotional pain eats at me every moment of every day I feel alone although I am surrounded by bodies, I feel empty although I constantly fill up with something, I feel like nothing although I try to be something, someone, anything or anyone. Joy is fleeting and pain lasts forever, there is no medicine for this pain, no IV that can drip a reliever into my veins, nothing to help ease the madness that fills my days. It has been 18 years of wishing, hoping that I could be someone great, do amazing things, and be important but nothing has come to fruition as of yet, opportunity has yet to knock at my door. Bedtime is the best time of the day, it is a time when I can cut my losses, when I can sleep and feel no pain, when I can enter a new and different world where I can recreate myself into whatever I wish to be through my dreams. So, until morning when the trauma shall return I say goodnight darkness, bring on peace and harmony. |
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