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3/28/2008 - Learning to just let go.

Letting go is a difficult process no matter what you are trying to let go of. It could be addictions or harmful behaviors, situations which no longer serve you nor anyone else, or anything in which no longer has a place in your life. First one must decide to let go and do so once and for all, meaning they must make a commitment to saying goodbye to the person, place, or thing they are trying to separate from. They must say to themselves , 'No, I will not let you impact my life like this any longer'. Then they must stick to this course of action or else it does no good at all. Then after letting go you must not return to that person, place, or thing no matter what. You must trust that this was the right choice and whatever happens will happen but it will not be because of action taken on your part. Of course for the addict .alcoholic, or person who suffers from mental illness then this task is much larger and will take more work but It can be done. Especially the person with such illnesses as Borderline personality disorder, Obsessive compulsive disorder, or any illness that makes the person more impulsive and have difficulty controlling their actions then the task is much more difficult and the road ahead is more of a challenge, these folks need to be more vigilant and do things to retrain their minds to replace these obsessive and compulsive thoughts with healthy, counteractive thoughts. Either way the process of letting go for anyone starts with a choice, that is a choice that you will no longer let this thing or whatever control you and rule your life. After having made that all important choice the next step is to stick to that choice that you made , do not let anything convince you to go back on it. Remember that there is nothing you can do ( most times ) to change the reality of the situation, you cannot control what is out of your hands. People just have to do their best with what they have and give it up to God or whatever they put their hope and trust in. For those with the above mentioned disorders they must constantly remind themselves that there is nothing they can do that will ever be enough. There will never be enough drugs to get you high enough where you will be satisfied, you will never do repetitive, obsessive behaviors enough to feel OK about that in which you are worried about. You will never feel you have done enough to fix the situation because you cannot fix what is not broken but you can make it broken. Letting Go is something that is necessary in order to be at peace, to be able to say to yourself 'I did my part and now it is up to my higher power' . Letting go is about stop trying to fix everything, everyone, and just be. Although Letting go is a process it is also as I mentioned a choice, a time when you say 'I have done all that I can, now it is up to another or the universe' . A time when you say, what will be will just be.One must be willing to ask for and accept help as It is all too much for us without help. We can never do it alone, we can however say to ourselves that I did my best and now I hand it over to someone who can possibly help. Letting Go is not just about turning something over that is too much for us but also knowing when we have given it our best and the situation is what it is and nothing more we do will make it better or change it. There are many ways to let go, but in my opinion one must look at the situation and ask themselves the following questions. 1. Is this situation more than I can handle alone ? 2. Have I done all that I can ? Can I do this on my own ? 3. Will further action do more harm than good ? 4. Am I in control ? 5. Is there a problem or is it in my mind ? Of course not every situation in which we need to let go can you apply all of these questions. There are so many things that we can let go of and in which times we need to let go, but just some examples. In a situation where people suffer from a disorder like OCD (Obsessive compulsive disorder ) there is no set way of letting go of thoughts that continue to cause one to repeat behaviors based on those irrational thoughts. One reason is that the thoughts are so powerful that the person actually feels they have to act on them and that there is a problem at hand . Trying to retrain their mind is one way and another is to obviously remember that it is their illness talking although that is a less likely to work approach. Then there are addicts who by themselves cannot stay clean and sober and need to surrender in order to make it, they need to often surrender to themselves first and then to the program of whatever 12 step they are in, then to health care professionals and finally and most important they must give it up to a higher power and let go of their ways of doing things. There are many other situations and examples of letting go, everything from people who lose loved ones to death who need to let go of the pain and guilt and move on in the healing process to any situation in life where you give it your best but it is no longer in your control or where it never was. Letting go is not an easy task, we all want to do it our way, to fix it now but there comes a point when we have done all that we can or we are faced with things that there is nothing that we can do. We live in a society that has slogans such has 'just do it', 'No fear', and many more positive 'you can do it, you don't need any help ' ways of thinking but the truth is that is not always true. There are times when we have no choice but to toss up our hands and say I need some help over here and that is OK. That does not mean we are powerless to act, quite the opposite actually. Admitting that one needs help is power, the greatest power. We do all we can and then we let someone else try or we Go for something , sometimes we want to be superman and do it all ourselves but sometimes we just need to Let go !

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3/28/2008 - Feel like a boy !

Feel like a boy , people tell me no, wait, or you can go now. Feel like a child, they say I am inpatient, spoiled, or bad. Feel so inferior , I am yelled at, don't do this, wait here, not now they say. Rejection after rejection , No after No, It never stops, of course there are a few who care and do not disappoint.. there are others who get off on letting me down. but how many have I let down ? Too many to count. I don't wanna want, ask, or try ever again. It is doomed to be shot down, I am doomed to fail, it is my fate. I spill a drink, let the puppy play, or fail to impress and people yell.. that hurts don't you know, I am fragile don't they see. I told you that I feel like a boy but you say I am a man. I tell them I am a man in society's view but a boy in mine. Don't make me grow up, the world is scary, let me hide here. I wanna be a boy ! I wanna be a child ! I wanna just stay here where it is safe. Why can't I ? Why do I have to grow up ?

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3/28/2008 - Last night's post.

Feel sick right now with some sort flu but wanted to write something to post on my blog, Today is OK. I did not have any major outbursts or anything like that but my moods continue to fluctuate and it can get kind of nerve racking . Any type of disturbance at all can send me off the deep end, when people tell me No or put any type of criticism upon me at all then I take it to heart and even if I do not show it at the time eventually I personalize it and it crushes me. I just am tired, I am tired of trying to feel OK, To stay clean and sober, to please everyone, to be the perfect friend, husband, whatever.. I am tired of dealing with Me on a daily basis. I just wanna sleep and not deal with any of it. It has never been easy for me, when I was 10 it wasn't and now it for sure is not easy although I feel like I am 10 still, when I ask for something in life I am saying to myself the whole time, please say yes, please ?? I feel like everyone else controls my life, people decide what I can and cannot have. The government decides whether or not they want to keep paying me, friends and my wife decide where we go, when we go there, and what we do, I am so dependent on others for my happiness, maybe that is the problem, I cannot make myself happy. This was going to be a short and sweet post but I just fell into the hole of self pity. I am listening to a song right now called Take me away, I wish just that, someone would take me away from me and free me from what I feel, think, and am. It all is too much and it is never enough at the same time. I wonder if I am just a whiner or is all that I go through just too much for anyone to handle ? I am Borderline, bipolar, OCD, etc, etc, etc with no treatment at all, I am an addict in early recovery who never has been sober more than two months. , I just lost my son , I struggle financially, I feel constantly disappointed in myself and yet I am trying to pull through.. I guess that is a lot ?? I just petted my puppy and that felt good, he did not reject me. He did not say No, yell at me, tell me that I am not good enough, or I am messy, lazy, or any of the other things people tell me. I guess I will wrap up the pity party and do something else, maybe it is true that when you feel sick then it affects your mood or maybe I just always feel like crap. Who knows !

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3/27/2008 - 5 month limit or I go nuts.

Many Borderlines want to be with someone at all times, I am not exactly like that or at least I am not sure of how I feel about it. When I am single I seem to yearn for that special someone to be with, to hold me and love me and give me that special feeling inside. When I am with a person for a while though I feel engulfed and like it is boring and normal, the excitement and passion is gone and I want to be alone. I often find myself wondering why people get in relationships, what is it about being with someone else that makes them give up a part of who they are. More than that is why do they feel the need to be with anyone at all ? I care for my woman and see great qualities in her and if she were to leave me I would be devastated but sometimes I ask myself why I am in a relationship with another when I cannot even relate and connect to myself . How can I give myself to someone else that is not really me, a self that I am not sure really exists. At least I do not know who I am so how could I give that blankness to another person ? I like to be alone alone but need someone else as well, someone to do things for me and care for me and so I do not feel totally empty and alone. It is like the person who is trying to diet and they say I wanna eat a pint of Ice cream but do not want to get fat. I want to be with someone and enjoy the passion and love of a close relationship but do not want to give up my freedom and independence. I feel the same way now that I have felt with every relationship after five months or more, I want to be in a close friendship with the person but my perception of the relationship changes. I do not feel the love and passion like I did in the beginning, I need something new and fresh. I feel lost without that new and exciting thing. I have hurt many girls this way and fear I may do it once again. So hard to live life this way, never knowing what you want, who you are, or anything and not only does it impact me but everyone around me .

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3/27/2008 - Sounds that penetrate the lobes..

I hear voices speaking a foreign tongue I hear buses and cars passing by too. I lay here in the darkness of my surroundings My mind is filled with thoughts of worry and sadness. My hope fleets as the minutes go by. Why do I feel this way ? Why do I feel so much pain ? Is it because I am bad? Is it because I just need a nap ? Feeling that sick feeling in my stomach Feeling like I am going to soon vomit. People pressure me to do things that I don't want. The world scares me to no end and this never ceases. I hear, I feel, I think, I see nothing but darkness ....

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3/27/2008 - Feelings of Ahhhhh, and puppy bliss.

Have not wrote in a few days but lots going on up there in my War zone mind. I got a new puppy, he is adorable and I love him. Just seven weeks old and gives me so much joy to love him, I am such an animal lover if you did not already know. That happened yesterday after a disappointment of not being able to get Internet access from the phone company, still have not solved that mystery. I have been having lots of panic attacks, impulsive thoughts of going back to California and just throwing myself back into drug life, feeling strong urges to do so but that would solve nothing and would be nothing but slow suicide. There are those that know and love me that would say with strong words not to do this and criticize me about these thoughts but if there is anything that I have learned in my life about my disorder is that thoughts and feelings come and go. It is our actions that matter, one cannot control the thoughts and emotions that flood their mind, you just have to try not to act on them and they usually pass. Leo (the woman in my life ) has been getting on my nerves but I know my feelings of anger and frustration with her are more signs of relapse and emotional crash. Her and I sometimes think different about cleaning and stuff and when she smacks her lips in frustration, or rolls her eyes, or gets upset about something I internalize it and it crushes me, I want to escape. It has to do with how I feel about myself already, just re enforces all of those feelings. There are times when I think I should be alone but I do care about her. Oh, the madness of this illness, So confusing. So, lots going on as usual but I am clean and sober 31 days and doing my best to deal with myself and my life, all I can do I guess, Right ?

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3/27/2008 - Words that have meaning to me.

Poverty homelessness hate self destruction drugs alcohol hospitals medications disappointments depression sadness lost confused alone lonely abandoned abandon guilt shame empty cornered crushed wanting loss overdose suicidally shy grief nothing broken travel joy dreams come true married gay straight in between women men taboo europe nicaragua all over states death 86 years repeat relapse Tina coke beer AA friends love unconditional waiter escort model future past uncertainty self hate periodic self love doctors stupid my baby laptop loved ones God meaning purpose not knowing a damn thing hope/hopelessness BPD, OCD, and every other mental illness out there it seems .rejection help maybe Just some words and phrases I came up with to describe the first 32+ years of my life, how I feel, what I have been through, who cares, who I care about, and what might be to come. It has been an interesting journey with some sad, happy, and not sure moments . I have learned a lot but still feel that I don't know shit. I think I have somehow given something positive to others and the world and I hope that is true. I hope that there are many more years to come and this story has a happy ending but sometimes I wonder why I try so hard to live my life and be OK, life should not be a fight, it should come naturally and be a joy. That has not been my expireience . I have had good times in my life but the pain has consumed me and taken a lot out of me, sometimes I wonder how much more I can take, how much longer I can go on. For now I am working on my feelings and hoping for a breakthrough and some change soon or someday.

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3/27/2008 - Today"s feelings

Toby ( my new puppy ) woke me up early this morning, 6 am to be exact and I am usually not a morning person but today seemed to be able to get up with him just like he was a baby and feed him and then took him out back in the yard and let him play while I read some. I only slept 5 or so hours last night but feel OK. I opted not to take my Seroquel and did not have the horrible vivid dreams I had been having of late and do not feel groggy today so maybe I will go off of that. Not having a Doctor makes everything more difficult as I have to act as my own Psychiatrist, therapist, and AA sponsor. That is not the way it should be but what do I do if none of that is available to me down here ? I would love to get on a routine where I wake up, take the puppy out to play, do a workout (gaining way too much weight) , and then do my writings, study, etc online. There is just one thing preventing that whole plan from working out and that is I cannot get Internet access at the new house. I have tried every avenue but due to the red tape here there is no access in the nehiborhood I live in unless you want to buy a $1,000 antenna, which I cannot afford. I am frustrated about it but it is just one of those things that is out of my hands and I gotta accept that. I hope and pray that soon there can be some sort of solution because in all honesty a guy has to be able to get online. The moods go up and down , life shows up and kicks my ass, Leo irritates me as does most of the world at times, and the cravings persist but I am alive and doing my best to handle it all and make the best of life.. I woke up clean and sober and have not cut in three days so that is a start , maybe I will go to a meeting later, it is in Spanish but maybe I will go anyway. I am sure my mood will take a nose dive later and then come back up and then free fall again but for this moment I am somewhat OK.

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3/25/2008 - That little voice we all have.

We all have that little voice inside of us that talks to us during daily life, that voice that warns us when danger is ahead or gives us a heads up on what ways we should go in life and more. To Some people that voice is a friend, when they go for a job or try to do something important to them in life they hear that voice telling them that they can do it, that they have what it takes and it gives them that added boost.It has never been that for me, I always hear that voice saying 'you kidding me, you will fail and fail misrably if you try this' It tells me I have no chance and that I am stupid and nothing, it tells me to do things that will harm me and it tells me that I am not good enough. I am not sure why this is, it could be that ever since I can remember people have told me that I am a dreamer and the things are want cannot ever happen, people have told me that I am not smart enough, cute enough, fast enough, or rich enough. I have either been too old, too young or too.. something. We do what we learn, and if someone tells you something enough then you are bound to believe it. When I hear that voice tell me I am stupid or weak or anything else that It does, I often believe it. I get a burst of positivity but just when I think it is real and will last it leaves me. I know I can do great things in life, I might even have what it takes. I just have to find a way to silence that voice and stand up and tell my illness and the world that I will not be denied. I am not ready to die yet even though I hear that voice telling me it is hopeless everyday and to just give up. I want it all even though the world tells me it is too late. I am still here trying, through my BPD , addictions, and insecurities my heart still beats and my dreams still live, maybe I will fail, maybe I am dumb and hopeless but maybe, just maybe I am someone great who can make a difference in this world and find a touch of happiness in the process.

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3/25/2008 - Last night, then later, and now an eventful Monday.

I am not sure how I feel at this very moment. Perhaps a bit angry, sad, fearful. ready to run. I guess that should do it for the moment. I feel alone, It is not often that I feel discomfort being by myself but right now I feel those classic abandonment feelings and I do not like it at all. I feel this sense of being all alone in the world and there is nobody that cares, I feel that feeling that when someone leaves the room or is away for a few hours then they are gone for ever. I feel that I need something or someone in order to feel OK. I cannot just be here with no Internet, no people, no drugs, no alcohol, nothing without feeling like I am losing my mind. I am feeling all of these emotions that I have no idea what they are. It is 8 p.m. and Leo has been gone for hours and hours and I don't know where she is, what she is doing, or who she is with. That drives me nuts, I need to know or I lose it. I have cut (scratched is more like it ) all up and down my forearms and feel like it is not enough, I need drugs or a beer. I need to escape from this madness. Why do I feel this way? Where did my life go wrong ? I think I am tired of being here in Nicaragua and am ready to go back home, I mean to the states. I sometimes forget that I really do not have a home, no place to just be . I have been all over the place in the past 15 years, no stability. I wanna call her and scream, she leaves me alone all of this time . Nothing to do at all. Why would she do such a thing. I feel so lost right now, so in crisis mode. Yet there is nobody to help me, nobody to listen. What do I fucking do ? I guess just go through it and stay in control. I feel so nuts though. Do people even try to understand me or do they just say ' he needs to learn to deal with it' If they say that then my message to them is ' What if I can't learn' what if I don't want to learn ?" Later in the night Leo returned and I ranted at her about not being here and about all kinds of stuff, none of which she responded. That happens a lot, she does not give in to my BPD ways. She saw the scratches on my arms and I think understood more, I calmed down and felt fine for awhile but now not sure again, Guess it is time for bed. I will awake in 5 hours at 4 am to watch the Sox opening game and then maybe, just maybe I can get some cleaner for laptop. Seems that everything in life affects my emotions on drastic levels. Wish I was different, wish I was not dealt this hand of 2's but it is what it is. Today I had a good one for quite awhile, I actually was wondering if I would crash like I always do but of course it came. I got up at 4 am to watch The Red Sox opener on only 2 hours sleep and they won which made my day. Then I went with Leo to pick up her niece and I got to eat at Subway which was a rare treat living in the 3rd world where rice and beans is the norm. We walked around, I got the usual looks from all the girls, which makes me feel like a kid in a toy store . Then we came home and I felt good until I learned that the antenna for Internet service at my house will cost $75 per meter. I get so frustrated at some of the ways of life here, I mean why the fuck does life have to be so complicated. I am angry,and fed up with life and all it's cruel jokes. I need access at home. I feel so tired, anxious, and just..I don't know. Why can' t a day ever just be OK ? Leo does not understand why this is such a big deal, I tell her to try being me for a day and she would get it. Wow, do I need to sleep. That will force me not to cut tonight, I have cut two straight days. R.C.

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3/25/2008 - Pick a pain, any pain.

I feel the blade pierce my skin and the blood escape down my arm I need to feel this release and punish myself in this way with this harm I cut and cut until I no longer feel the pain on the inside and I transfer it from the inside out. I boil with anger as I stab the knife at my flesh I hurt, I hurt so much but I love this pain. I need this pain to fix this mess Why do you look at me with such pity? Please don't feel sorry for me please don't give me that look, I am such a fuck up so let me off the hook. Knives, razors, drugs, and alcohol are my methods as I seek to cope and do whatever I can to escape, Don't you know ? It never, ever gets better. R.C.

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3/24/2008 - Alone and lacking a sense of self.

I got some things done on my laptop and then thought I would see how things were with my girl who was with her mom, she told me she would be home later when I called her and she said that she would tell me later about what Internet people said. I am so angry and upset after that call, I need to know now what is happening with getting Internet service, It frustrates me so much. I also say to myself that I want freedom but when I am not with her or others I feel so without a self, so empty. I have no idea what to do with myself, I could get drunk or high but I am trying to change all of that. I feel so not here or anywhere when I am stuck with only me. I feel so lonely but when I am around others I feel trapped and engulfed. I want to cut, I wnat to get smashed but I don"t. It is always raining in my head, when I finally get up some hope and think things are getting better then I free fall from my cloud and crash to the ground. The riddles confuse me, The pain never washes away, and I feel that emptiness creep up on me.

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3/24/2008 - Going somewhere ?

I just added a few new entries that I wrote over the past few days, days in which I felt anxious, obsessive, and lost but somehow I made it through. I cut a little bit and acted out but I am still clean and sober and alive so that has to count for something. Sadness fills me and I feel angry but not sure why. The bug problem still exist with my laptop but seems better. I wonder if it is really a problem or is it my OCD. I mean I see the bugs but when I worry about something it consumes me and my whole life, totally horrible. I hope I can get Internet access at home today, I hope the chronic sadness and boredom can pass and I hope I feel better and can finally get a hold of my internal madness and move forward.

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3/24/2008 - Who am I revisited

A wise man once asked “ Who are you ?” To which I responded , “I’ll get back to you on that ”. He is still waiting for the answer to that very complex and philosophical question and I am still searching for the constantly elusive solution . To know truly the core of one’s character and being is a difficult task for anyone but for the person with BPD this is a much larger hill to climb. I have gone through my whole life trying to establish that core sense of self, to be who I am and to know who I am. Instead I have not come up with a self that is separate from another and which allows me to stand on my own two feet with my own mind, soul, and life. I try to be everyone else and live my life through others which of course leaves me even more lost and confused. People with BPD ( and as always I can only speak for myself as I experience being Borderline ) try so hard to fit in with the crowd and often take on the identity of others in order to feel like they are someone and more they try to feel like they are somebody important. For me I did everything from being a Satanist to a Druggie so I could be a part of something, anything. I can say that I know parts of myself and accept them but cannot say that I know who I am as a whole person or the core of myself and my character. Feeling that sense of emptiness and being nothing is common for the Borderline and I have lived with those feelings for a very long time and that is why I jump through so many different interests and identities I believe. It has accomplished nothing for me but create more chaos in an already chaotic little boy, That is who I know I am without a doubt, a sad, scared little boy that never grew up, deep inside ( not very deep actually ) that is something that I know that I am. So, I continue to search for a self that will carry me through life, a self that I can feel good about and be comfortable with. I hope one day to arrive there.

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3/24/2008 - My two Demons and how they remain

There are two things in my life that make everything else in my life painful and unmanageable , two things that change who I am and how I act and relate to the world. Those things are Borderline personality disorder and Crystal Meth , My disorder of BPD (as it is commonly called ) and my addiction to Crystal Meth cause my life to take on new heights and me to act in ways that are not consistent with my normal ways. That is hard to say as BPD is always there and almost everything that I do so if I look at it that way then It is my normal self. Crystal Meth however changes me in ways that are not my normal self and which turn my life upside down. When I am using Meth there are two things that matter for those hours or days that I am High and those are sex and of course the drug itself, I often will do whatever I have to so I can continue the run I am on. I have this narrow minded tunnel vision when I am using that stuff, all that matters is getting more of the drug and more sex and of course it is never enough. My BPD feelings and behaviors are brought out even more when I am using this horrible, nasty drug. I am more impulsive, more emotional, and more out of control. I have to live with BPD everyday no matter what I do, with Meth the desire and memories are always there but if I do not pick up the drug then I will not get high and bad things will not happen to me. I am learning more and more about my demons everyday but still they remain and they always will be with me and I have to learn how to accept that and use what tools I do have to recover. I want to use each and every day and be a part of that life that I was for so long and having BPD makes those feelings and desires more intense and more difficult to Ignore. This tunnel vision I speak of is so hard to explain but it is exactly what I say it is, uncontrollable and unmanageable . When I am using and in that mode where I am impulsive and on auto pilot nothing seems to be able to stop me, I just go full steam not thinking about consequences or other bad things that could happen. I am not me (whoever me is ) when I am in this mode and out of control. I do not know how to stop when I am out of control , I feel like someone else. I need to treat my Mental Illnesses and addictions at the same time or else they will keep destroying me , It is like exterminating one apartment in a house without doing the other ones in the house. It just will not work, it is a temporary solution. The same is true if you treat an addiction but not the remaining emotional and mental issues and vice versa. The problems persist even though some of the symptoms have been treated. I feel that it is all part of a larger problem, The drugs are used in order to fix how I feel inside and the emotions that I carry around and to help with my disorder but it only helps in the short term , In the long term it makes me worse off. They are connected in so many ways and cause so much havoc in my life, I still have the BPD that I must treat and deal with if I stay clean but I have to accept that Meth only gives me pleasure for a short time and over the long haul it makes my BPD worse and causes more problems than it was supposed to fix. I use drugs and alcohol as coping mechanisms but now that I have no coping mechanisms to deal with all the shit inside that has been there all along. I heard once that you do not deal with emotional or psychological problems with anything external, you deal with them from the inside. It does not happen over night, but with work and acceptance it will happen. These two demons are there and will be there , but if I work on them everyday then things possibly can get better. I am sober today, not real happy but at least I am not self medicating and trying to escape.

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3/24/2008 - Another nameless poem

When all is hopeless I drink When things fall apart I toke When I feel empty I cut I need an escape, anything at all. I want people to see how real this feels. Please understand this is not for attention I want you to see that this is my reality. When darkness falls I sleep When the sun rises I hide under the covers. Do not want to face the day, things rarely turn out my way. I need something to ease the pain I need something to stop the rain Obsession, fear, and Depression rule the day I seek a feeling , I seek a new self I feel uncomfortable as me I just seek to be happy and free The bottle, pipe, or razor are what gives me release I feel that my ways of coping have gone away I feel that I am left to be with just me and my thoughts When all is lost I am left wondering how much longer will This last. I am left to ask the question , when will I feel OK.

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3/24/2008 - Thoughts on God, being lost, and miracle comebacks

Lost in my problems and fears, I obsess over what I feel I cannot have or must not lose. I do not know how to overcome these obsessions or fears nor can I quiet my speeding mind, I must only move forward the best way that I know how, what way that is I do not know. I am someone who has had much faith in my God for many years but of late that faith has left me like a storm drifting out to sea, I have felt abandoned by a lord that stood with me through years of pain and suffering but today I see that my only chance of overcoming the obstacles that have stood in front of me for so very long is to restore that faith and belief in my creator. I cannot understand the reasons for the pain and problems that occur in my life but I know that they are there. I must trust that I do not have the answers but that God does and will lead me in the right direction if I listen to him and trust him through the good and the bad. Whether it is things like ants in my computer or no Internet in my house or larger things like the death of my boy or the chronic depression that plagues me everyday , it is all pain and it all affects me greatly even if others do not see how much that it hurts. I must seek God in everything that I do and not walk away from him even in my darkest moments when I am angry with him. I do feel lost often about how my life has turned out, let down by my own actions or lack there of and hopeless about what lies ahead of me but I must wake up every morning, put one foot in front of the other and move forward in this journey. I am fearful, sad, lost, and often totally clueless but I am still here and to use a football analogy; The game is not ever until the clock displays all zeros in the final quarter , even if you trail by three touchdowns with four minutes remaining there is still hope you can pull out a miracle comeback.

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3/22/2008 - Coping

People yell and scream

The anger fills me

They tell me No

The sadness kills me

Rejection at every turn

Don¨¨t know where to go

I resort to my old ways to cope

Should I drink

Should I toke on the pipe

Should I run away yet again

I think not, none of that works anymore

I will cut

I will pierce my skin just a little

Enough to release the emotional trauma

Just a little so they know I hurt

So they no this is no game

The pain fills me every second

The OCD and worry consumes my every thought.

Where is my inspiration?

Where is the train of hope ?

I think about the blade as a way of coping this day.

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3/21/2008 - More annoyances in life.

Frustrated today about the fact that I woke up to find little red ants crawling around my laptop and out of mouse area and keyboard. I love this computer and it was my dream to get it for my birthday, I get OCD about it as I want to take special care of it. This makes my day very difficult and stressful. I feel sick with sore throat and down as it is , I do not need more stresses in my life. Just had to let that steam out. I am looking online to try and correct the problem. R.C.

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3/21/2008 - My mental Prison

Life awaits but I remain stuck in my mental prison. I am eager to find out what is on the other side of these steel bars that contain me. I wonder what shall greet me shall I ever become free. I have a glimmer of hope that lives in this war zone of a soul, The bullet holes and mines show evidence of a battle fought and of the damage done. I live in fear of yet more destruction to come but I do continue to fight this war that has cost me so much. I feel the agony of defeat and the promise of victory but it is in this prison that I feel so trapped, so alone, and yet many do not see. They do not see my hopelessness and my emptiness , they see someone who appears OK, who seems strong and stands tall. I hide it well, I remain on the front lines although inside I lay broken, wounded, and barely hang on. I am a soldier of an emotional war that never seems to let up, I am here to the end.

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