| here i go...... |
college or not collegewell its that time of year again. new people, new place, projects, study, dead lines, struggle, and perhaps a bit of lonelyness..this all equals of course the start of the acedemic year. as i sit here by candle light, listening to dreamy jenny huston on 2fm a sick feeling hits me as i think of the months ahead with only a week to start off. i always look back on each year gone by and tell myself i am blessed by memories and people ive met. yes i admit, ive done some stupid things in the past but we all learn from mistakes rights?! i am not going to make up excused for any of them cause HEY i have none. perhaps i have little self respect at times, little self control and am attention seekings. during a conversation with a friend on msn, she was honest with me and i in turn, realised all these "faults" (for lack of a better word). it did hurt to hear it, but damn it, its what i needed! i good friggen slap on the face! truth is, i dont know if i will ever gain the self respect i should have, or even the self control. if there is any chance of love or effection with anyone, i jump at it. well almost 99% of the time anyway. i can almost count the number of women i rejected on one hand. women can chew you up and spit you out like your yesterdays trash. and i, know this more than anyone! i mean if you the foxiest woman on the planet (as she was) saduced you, you would not say no or turn her away! but i, i was thrown out like yesterdats trash. dumped the week before college. this year seems more of a strugle. perhaps it cause i feel like ive lost alot of friends. some who moved away or some who i lost over arguements which are unfixable. arguements which perhaps took place cause of these faults of mine. the only true friends i seem to have is those i had in school. those who were there when i had a crush or someone died, or the first time i got drunk or smoked or got expelled from school. i guess they saw the me the i liked, the me who had no care in the world, who was free, who thought that school day were forever, who laughed everyday like there was no end to havin no responsibilites. but i guess like everyone i struggled in moving away to college, i had an incredible childhood, it was so loving and wwe were a close family. i mean, there was once i fear for my life at home during an arguement with my father. and no, i didnt get over it in a hurry. i mean, i went to work everyday that summer so angry that he lost it over nothing, that he put me through perhaps one of the worst moments in my life! but hey humans make mistakes! so ya, i had an really good childhood, and maybe leaving home each semester is a struggle cause i have to leave this all behind again and go it alone. i know its incredible a 21 year old talking like this and i sometimes wish my mother fucked me off somewhere when i was a kid just so i learnt to fend more fo myself, to learn to be tougher, to learn how to handle things more. those people who lock emselfs up and comes out when its alright, i admire those people, i wish i could do that. but for some reason i expose each part of me in an instant. i wish i could hide it til it goes away. hell, i know im tough cause going through anxiety while away from college and interacting with complete strangers is a hell of a struggle to me. no matter how out spoken i can be. i wont blame my mother for loving me to much, for if she didnt give that to me i wouldnt know how to care to much...sometimes so much that it scares me. but i can imagine when i have a kid of my own im gona love it with all my heart and soul aswell!....i know this year is going to be a struggle, and maybe ill screw up. if so, my theory is that if you fall you get up and learn to stand for longer. but if i get threw this year, ill know not to become so attacvhed to home again in summer. i know i need to grow up sometime, and that time is now.for me this involves learing self respect, and self control and being practical rather than being a dare devil. well its a weight lifted once again 9:59 PM - 9/8/2006 - comments {0} - post commentShare and enjoysorryI feel like I ought to explain/appoligise to some people due to a can of worms that have been open! Well here it goes, maura: the bebo thing was a joke and im sorry if I offended you! I didn’t realise it was such a sensitive subject for you, for me its not such a big deal"¦.. But we always thought differently I think this is why we were never really together. You are an incredibly strong person and all the time we hung out during the school year, I always went out about me and you never once turned me away. You started dating and had less time for me and because of this I took things I said/did to you less seriously. I didn’t do this out of spite, I just felt less important to you. Remember the night we took a drive out to galway aerport? For some reason it’s the time that stook out mostly in my mind. I was having panic attacks and we just drove at nite, nothing but city lights. I felt so at peace with you that night. I remember you came back after Christmas break, you sat in my room and told me you were dating someone else. It did hurt just a little as I was just about to ask you to be my girlfriend"¦.but I saw you trying to hide your smile and happiness from me but you looked so happy and I saw she was the right girl for you. Maybe well never speak again but I wish you and yours all the happiness in the world. I did some stupid stuff but I feel I own it to you to dedicate this entry to you. You are the most amazing person I was with (or not really with to be politically correct). You’re not the person I cared most about but the most amazing, saying this I wonder sometimes that I if I did care more bout you that I mite be a better person but you often said to me to fallow your heart, and that is what I did. Good luck in your travels. Neddy: Im sorry for this last weekend. There is nothing else I can say. Its up to you if you want to be friends, for the record you are the only person I know who is sound and sane from "the rowing club" (you know what this means, as you invented it!) and I am not saying thing to just suck up to you. I mean do you see me hanging out with any other chicks?! Trust me, if I didn’t like you, you’ve known by now. Your fun to hang out with and you are an extremely loyal friend as you shown me when by the way you’ve talked of your good friends. Well that is all ive to say to you and theres my bit said. you’ve my number, its in your hands. Peace our! 7:42 PM - 8/30/2006 - comments {0} - post commentShare and enjoyour cornerwe all ave this corner who can sit there awhile and with us share the quietness and not question you at all or even give a second thought to judging you. we all search for someone who will find this place of ours no matter how good we hide it who will keep it a secret for eternity or even more we all search for someone to sit and hold our hand even when the light goes out or even when it quiet no more but in the meantime though you sit there and shut the door sometimes, it aint so bad but sometimes it is all you gotta do is bear it and know the darkness will pass though it might feel like forever but the someone will come along to hold your hand, or wipe your tears or be there to hold you all nite long til then u learn to be strong.
7:52 PM - 8/2/2006 - comments {0} - post commentShare and enjoyim backwell im sitting here on a sunday nite, everyone is gone out and i am painfully hungover and dehydrated. last nite was cool....good company, good beer...good music...you know, its amazin that how someone can make you feel like the smartest person in the world! i know that we all as adults need to hold back from what we cant have but im starting to wonder is this achieved by maturity and time?!,,,or does it all depend on your personility and strength...but with time comes strength...and with strength comes self control. well last nite i felt a comfort i hadnt felt in awhile. had a anxiety attack today. it was pretty intense. the breathing fast, the burning sensation on the back of my neck, the awful thoughts that my world was going to come crashing down again. i look over at my two best friends sound asleep...i felt like i wanted to cry....i swear i had never had been to happy to see my father this morning when he picked me up. it was such a sigh of relief being in my own bed again...a comfort nothing else can come close to... i cant tell if it was from alcahol abuse or not. im guesssing so....it was real intense today. when i got home my mum asked why i came home so early. i told her i had a headace. i didnt want to talk bout my anxiety attack. it would just upset me even more. so i silently snuck of to bed. wishing she could read my thoughts and that i could tell her about it....but i smiled realising what a comfort home is. its amazing, you could know someone for years, yet never know what theyre thinking or going through. i guess all you got to do is try to be the best you can. ...i shall keep this updated as often as possible. i must retreated to watching tv now. keep it real! 7:52 PM - 8/2/2006 - comments {0} - post commentShare and enjoywhat you are to mei see your still standing afterall youve been through though ive been there before for me, its all new i know you try to teach me but i have to learn the hard way feel the hurt over and over i hope you here to stay though your harsly honest but when it get really rough i know i can turn to you ive learnt to be tough by seeing that your still standing i know in years to come theyll be ups and down but ill be there for you whenever you come around shelt from harsh reality that what you are to me youve helped me to see as i am grwoing up 10:59 AM - 6/2/2006 - comments {1} - post commentShare and enjoybefore you goWont you dance with me tonight Before you kiss me goodbye Please forget not the memories And baby, please do not cry I know that it was short lived But good things, they must end And no matter what happens now Know that you’ll always have a friend Yes ill miss your arms at night And waking, longing for a hug Yes it felt wonderful, and unforgettable Though it was not love You words forever in my head Your touch forever in my heart There isn’t enough words to write About how much I wish u didn’t part Yet I know I must go on now And kiss you one last time Ill move on with time my dear Yet ill never forget when you were mine 12:56 PM - 5/7/2006 - comments {1} - post commentShare and enjoyangel and demonIts alright to feel this way These feelings aren’t here to stay Its alright to relive that night Thinking its so hard, but it’ll be alright Be with her, for now she is your shelter I know she’s going away, but hold her Its alright to still hurt so bad today cause you don’t feel it day by day Summer it is coming to you soon And even though it all seem so new It the old you whose has returned Freedom for which your soul has yearned Its alright to still fear that demon For we all once had feared one We all, we are fools for lust And wishing to return from dawn to dust Yet here’s an angel with you now She’s knows you care, show her how! Its alright to be sad cause of it For if you didn’t feel it a bit You’d be inhuman so its ok But here’s a angel coming your way Feel alive again, and find yourself And give to this angel all of your wealth 12:55 PM - 5/7/2006 - comments {0} - post commentShare and enjoyyou know who you are!its amazing how someone can make you feel like the most special person in the world!..21 is beginning to be the best birthday already! i hope people really ment it when they say, distance onlys makes the heart grow fonder! ive been giving people poems? for as long as i know but to have someone return it, in not quiest a poem but kinda written words. it made me cry, cause no one ever done that, that eventhough its all over ill always have you as a friends forever! ill never forget you as long as i live. i cried myself to sleep last nite cause your leaving but i woke up smiling, for u gave me memories ill carry with me forever!..i smlied cause i though are leaving galway ill come see you and hopefully ull come see me too and well share more memories and maybe grow old and wonder where the years went?! or talk of our spring in galway, which was such a rollercoaster and by far the best times ive had by and there maybe more and theyll be good?yet this was special to me! i cried cause no one has ever made me feel so special and i wish u all the happyiness in the world aftet you leave and konw that i am always here! thank you for the memories and making me feel like i could fly, like anything was possible!...ill never forget you and you are forever in my heart!...im smling as i write this cause im tinka u in the libery trying to study, getting all worked up not knowing itll be alright, it will as you are smart and amazing and god blessed with a hell of a personality!..  yours forever! 1:07 PM - 4/25/2006 - comments {0} - post commentShare and enjoypoems***************************************** TO BLACK RAINBOW I don’t know where I’m going, But I know where I’ve been. Life is unpredictable at times, But still secure at its seems. You, a part of the past. A piece of time gone by. May she make you happy, May she sing you lullabies. I will be living life to the full
And trying to smile just as always. But before summer begins And we go our separate ways Thank you for being my shoulder Sorry for taking you for a ride And perhaps playing around But true feelings I couldn’t hide From such a deep and honest soul So take these words now And remember you showed me how To stand up and smile again And forget you I wont. See you at the end of season Ill see you name in my phone And wonder how you’ve been all this time. *****************************************
Guardian angel.
I’ve been talking to my angel
And he says it’s all right I asked him to help me be strong And be with me at night I asked him should I be with you Though the future scares me He says I will be there And I will help you see Don’t let there be regrets Let her hold you, though she’s hurting Cause you care about her so And don’t let where you’ve been Hold you back from more good times When you walk alone, I’m there. Just a footstep behind. Why not, when you care? Summers coming and so is the sun. They’ll be others along the way Heartache’s, but laughter will come And I’m here to stay Though lovers will come and go. ***************************************** Saying goodbye. 16 without hope, just dreams. Staring out at the rain falling Love or romance, they seemed A thousand miles away. Yet so many people come and gone Within a hundred rain falls I still dream of them as I go on Perhaps they to think back Though they have lifelong lovers The past, it cannot be erased You left traces of love And softly said “I have to go” I told you id never forget You said to me and smiled “life, it will be better yet” and that it was and here I sit, remembering your smile Glad you left so happy and content Half wishing you stayed another while But life, it must go on. 9:56 PM - 4/16/2006 - comments {2} - post commentShare and enjoycollege???oh i duno....why did u bother going to college??!!!...why is it i feel like im in a fucking loop hole unable to escape!!....maybe i need to learn to just be friends and stop looking for love.......
"The Bitter End"-placebo 10:32 AM - 3/31/2006 - comments {1} - post commentShare and enjoylatest poemi dont know what this is
or what it will be
its helped me to stand up
it has helped me to see
theres more to life
and so much i can give
i wouldnt turn back time
and change it even if i could
i like where i stand now
on the edge looking in
i know its all confusing
but your a special friend
so dont get all worked up
and right now its ok
that i cant ever have you
so lets go out and play
and dance about it in the rain
why cry when lifes so short
youll find yourself someday
and ive already forget bout her
see you have to fall
over and over a thousand times
until you find the one
but now times yours and mine
it all so confusing i know
but i wana dance and live for now
teach me to slow down
and ill show you how
to live for now a lil bit 1:32 PM - 3/30/2006 - comments {2} - post commentShare and enjoyits been awhilei havnt had a rant in ages...its like im having with drawel syptoms!! omg theres like 3 weeks of lectures left...wtf happened to the time!!..my mother kept telling me time would fly but i never thought it would go by this fast!! exams are starting in like a month or so..mad!! i feel like im sitting the leaving cert again!! AND to top it all off weve an assesment everyday next week!!omg im so going to go on apiss up a week from this friday with or without my drinking buddie!...ah it feels good to be back on bloggers land!!...damn bebo has taken over my time...but bebo dnt got a patch here!!
oh i should be studying but im just so damn tired (all for a good reason though)..yeah its good to be back and i shall make alot of visit to let out my stress next week... peace out yall
2:12 PM - 3/28/2006 - comments {0} - post commentShare and enjoyranodm pictures!!
because u rocked my childhood!!!!
when we sat across the river.....
where we drank, got high and met loadsa mad people in the coolest summer ever!!!
my baby photo
because you are the most beautiful woman god ever made and you rocked my childhood when i lived in a dyke free world and all i could do was dream, hope yall enjoyed dis
pease out niggas!!
5:37 PM - 2/1/2006 - comments {1} - post commentShare and enjoyim back!!!!!!!!!!yay ive finally retrieved my password...aaaahgr slow lecpreicans that didnt deliver it on time!!....ive been going mental unable to rant at all!!...well here i am
umm not much to say now tho...COLLEGE SUCKS!! i feel like i live here mre so than i studie here i mean like i go to the libery and half the "poplulation of the rowing club" (thanks for that saying neddy)...was there and me trying to studie didnt work so i just left and here i am ranting blah blah blah...isnt this great ted
heard gas joke today: what do you call a one legged gingerbread man? limp biscuit!! i laughed so hard milk came outa my nose!! ...well i gota go hme coz its cold here and i neeed food n stuff
till next update, "ill be back"
6:29 PM - 1/31/2006 - comments {0} - post commentShare and enjoysum more random stuff.....umm its monday im sleepy and we've started our new timetable (yay)...NOT!!went over to jmaies last nite ate all his food, watched him get stoned laughed bout stuffi shouldnt laugh bout (but hey thats life)...and went hme...AND the house was a mess!! but its ggod in away cause i cleaned it and it kept me from going out, and i think to be on the safe side i shall not go to eden anymore for a number of reasons that i dont need to go into.....so i came acroos a sony by staind that rocked and this si for somebody whom i think is mad at me...you know who u are and im sorry for being such a fool...i hope i see you soon and if not, its been real cool!! Right Here Lyricsby Staind
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ah youve always been faithful to me and i will always love you!
my fav peanut butter and because i dont wana cook i shall to home now and eat sum!