college or not college

well its that time of year again. new people, new place, projects, study, dead lines, struggle,

and perhaps a bit of lonelyness..this all equals of course the start of the acedemic year. as i

sit here by candle light, listening to dreamy jenny huston on 2fm a sick feeling hits me as i

think of the months ahead with only a week to start off. i always look back on each year gone by

and tell myself i am blessed by memories and people ive met. yes i admit, ive done some stupid

things in the past but we all learn from mistakes rights?! i am not going to make up excused for

any of them cause HEY  i have none. perhaps i have little self respect at times, little self

control and am attention seekings. during a conversation with a friend on msn, she was honest

with me and i in turn, realised all these "faults" (for lack of a better word). it did hurt to

hear it, but damn it, its what i needed! i good friggen slap on the face! truth is, i dont know

if i will ever gain the self respect i should have, or even the self control. if there is any

chance of love or effection with anyone, i jump at it. well almost 99% of the time anyway. i can

almost count the number of women i rejected on one hand. women can chew you up and spit you out

like your yesterdays trash. and i, know this more than anyone! i mean if you the foxiest woman

on the planet (as she was) saduced you, you would not say no or turn her away! but i, i was

thrown out like yesterdats trash. dumped the week before college. this year seems more of a

strugle. perhaps it cause i feel like ive lost alot of friends. some who moved away or some who

i lost over arguements which are unfixable. arguements which perhaps took place cause of these

faults of mine. the only true friends i seem to have is those i had in school. those who were

there when i had a crush or someone died, or the first time i got drunk or smoked or got

expelled from school. i guess they saw the me the i liked, the me who had no care in the world,

who was free, who thought that school day were forever, who laughed everyday like there was no

end to havin no responsibilites. but i guess like everyone i struggled in moving away to

college, i had an incredible childhood, it was so loving and wwe were a close family. i mean,

there was once i fear for my life at home during an arguement with my father. and no, i didnt

get over it in a hurry. i mean, i went to work everyday that summer so angry that he lost it

over nothing, that he put me through perhaps one of the worst moments in my life! but hey humans

make mistakes! so ya, i had an really good childhood, and maybe leaving home each semester is a

struggle cause i have to leave this all behind again and go it alone. i know its incredible a 21

year old talking like this and i sometimes wish my mother fucked me off somewhere when i was a

kid just so i learnt to fend more fo myself, to learn to be tougher, to learn how to handle

things more. those people who lock emselfs up and comes out when its alright, i admire those

people, i wish i could do that. but for some reason i expose each part of me in an instant. i

wish i could hide it til it goes away. hell, i know im tough cause going through anxiety while

away from college and interacting with complete strangers is a hell of a struggle to me. no

matter how out spoken i can be. i wont blame my mother for loving me to much, for if she didnt

give that to me i wouldnt know how to care to much...sometimes so much that it scares me. but i

can imagine when i have a kid of my own im gona love it with all my heart and soul aswell!....i

know this year is going to be a struggle, and maybe ill screw up. if so, my theory is that if

you fall you get up and learn to stand for longer. but if i get threw this year, ill know not to

become so attacvhed to home again in summer. i know i need to grow up sometime, and that time is

now.for me this involves learing self respect, and self control and being practical rather than

being a dare devil.

well its a weight lifted once again
till next intallment
peace out

9:59 PM - 9/8/2006 - post comment