college or not college

well its that time of year again. new people, new place, projects, study, dead lines, struggle,

and perhaps a bit of lonelyness..this all equals of course the start of the acedemic year. as i

sit here by candle light, listening to dreamy jenny huston on 2fm a sick feeling hits me as i

think of the months ahead with only a week to start off. i always look back on each year gone by

and tell myself i am blessed by memories and people ive met. yes i admit, ive done some stupid

things in the past but we all learn from mistakes rights?! i am not going to make up excused for

any of them cause HEY  i have none. perhaps i have little self respect at times, little self

control and am attention seekings. during a conversation with a friend on msn, she was honest

with me and i in turn, realised all these "faults" (for lack of a better word). it did hurt to

hear it, but damn it, its what i needed! i good friggen slap on the face! truth is, i dont know

if i will ever gain the self respect i should have, or even the self control. if there is any

chance of love or effection with anyone, i jump at it. well almost 99% of the time anyway. i can

almost count the number of women i rejected on one hand. women can chew you up and spit you out

like your yesterdays trash. and i, know this more than anyone! i mean if you the foxiest woman

on the planet (as she was) saduced you, you would not say no or turn her away! but i, i was

thrown out like yesterdats trash. dumped the week before college. this year seems more of a

strugle. perhaps it cause i feel like ive lost alot of friends. some who moved away or some who

i lost over arguements which are unfixable. arguements which perhaps took place cause of these

faults of mine. the only true friends i seem to have is those i had in school. those who were

there when i had a crush or someone died, or the first time i got drunk or smoked or got

expelled from school. i guess they saw the me the i liked, the me who had no care in the world,

who was free, who thought that school day were forever, who laughed everyday like there was no

end to havin no responsibilites. but i guess like everyone i struggled in moving away to

college, i had an incredible childhood, it was so loving and wwe were a close family. i mean,

there was once i fear for my life at home during an arguement with my father. and no, i didnt

get over it in a hurry. i mean, i went to work everyday that summer so angry that he lost it

over nothing, that he put me through perhaps one of the worst moments in my life! but hey humans

make mistakes! so ya, i had an really good childhood, and maybe leaving home each semester is a

struggle cause i have to leave this all behind again and go it alone. i know its incredible a 21

year old talking like this and i sometimes wish my mother fucked me off somewhere when i was a

kid just so i learnt to fend more fo myself, to learn to be tougher, to learn how to handle

things more. those people who lock emselfs up and comes out when its alright, i admire those

people, i wish i could do that. but for some reason i expose each part of me in an instant. i

wish i could hide it til it goes away. hell, i know im tough cause going through anxiety while

away from college and interacting with complete strangers is a hell of a struggle to me. no

matter how out spoken i can be. i wont blame my mother for loving me to much, for if she didnt

give that to me i wouldnt know how to care to much...sometimes so much that it scares me. but i

can imagine when i have a kid of my own im gona love it with all my heart and soul aswell!....i

know this year is going to be a struggle, and maybe ill screw up. if so, my theory is that if

you fall you get up and learn to stand for longer. but if i get threw this year, ill know not to

become so attacvhed to home again in summer. i know i need to grow up sometime, and that time is

now.for me this involves learing self respect, and self control and being practical rather than

being a dare devil.

well its a weight lifted once again
till next intallment
peace out

9:59 PM - 9/8/2006 - comments {0} - post comment

sorry

7:42 PM - 8/30/2006 - comments {0} - post comment

our corner

we all ave this corner
in which we store our thoughts,
our dreams, even past memories
we all search for somebody
who can sit there awhile
and with us share the quietness
and not question you at all
or even give a second thought
to judging you.
we all search for someone
who will find this place of ours
no matter how good we hide it
who will keep it a secret
for eternity or even more
we all search for someone
to sit and hold our hand
even when the light goes out
or even when it quiet no more
but in the meantime though
you sit there and shut the door
sometimes, it aint so bad
but sometimes it is
all you gotta do is bear it
and know the darkness will pass
though it might feel like forever
but the someone will come along
to hold your hand, or wipe your tears
or be there to hold you all nite long
til then u learn to be strong.

7:52 PM - 8/2/2006 - comments {0} - post comment

im back

well im sitting here on a sunday nite, everyone is gone out and i am painfully hungover and dehydrated. last nite was cool....good company, good beer...good music...you know, its amazin that how someone can make you feel like the smartest person in the world! i know that we all as adults need to hold back from what we cant have but im starting to wonder is this achieved by maturity and time?!,,,or does it all depend on your personility and strength...but with time comes strength...and with strength comes self control.

well last nite i felt a comfort i hadnt felt in awhile. had a anxiety attack today. it was pretty intense. the breathing fast, the burning sensation on the back of my neck, the awful thoughts that my world was going to come crashing down again. i look over at my two best friends sound asleep...i felt like i wanted to cry....i swear i had never had been to happy to see my father this morning when he picked me up. it was such a sigh of relief being in my own bed again...a comfort nothing else can come close to... i cant tell if it was from alcahol abuse or not. im guesssing so....it was real intense today. when i got home my mum asked why i came home so early. i told her i had a headace. i didnt want to talk bout my anxiety attack. it would just upset me even more. so i silently snuck of to bed. wishing she could read my thoughts and that i could tell her about it....but i smiled realising what a comfort home is. its amazing, you could know someone for years, yet never know what theyre thinking or going through. i guess all you got to do is try to be the best you can.

...i shall keep this updated as often as possible. i must retreated to watching tv now.

keep it real!

7:52 PM - 8/2/2006 - comments {0} - post comment

what you are to me

i see your still standing

afterall youve been through

though ive been there before

for me, its all new

i know you try to teach me

but i have to learn the hard way

feel the hurt over and over

i hope you here to stay

though your harsly honest

but when it get really rough

i know i can turn to you

ive learnt to be tough

by seeing that your still standing

i know in years to come

theyll be ups and down

but ill be there for you

whenever you come around

shelt from harsh reality

that what you are to me

youve helped me to see

as i am grwoing up

10:59 AM - 6/2/2006 - comments {1} - post comment

before you go

12:56 PM - 5/7/2006 - comments {1} - post comment

angel and demon

12:55 PM - 5/7/2006 - comments {0} - post comment

you know who you are!

its amazing how someone can make you feel like the most special person in the world!..21 is beginning to be the best birthday already! i hope people really ment it when they say, distance onlys makes the heart grow fonder! ive been giving people poems? for as long as i know but to have someone return it, in not quiest a poem but kinda written words. it made me cry, cause no one ever done that, that eventhough its all over ill always have you as a friends forever! ill never forget you as long as i live. i cried myself to sleep last nite cause your leaving but i woke up smiling, for u gave me memories ill carry with me forever!..i smlied cause i though are leaving galway ill come see you and hopefully ull come see me too and well share more memories and maybe grow old and wonder where the years went?! or talk of our spring in galway, which was such a rollercoaster and by far the best times ive had by and there maybe more and theyll be good?yet this was special to me!

i cried cause no one has ever made me feel so special and i wish u all the happyiness in the world aftet you leave and konw that i am always here! thank you for the memories and making me feel like i could fly, like anything was possible!...ill never forget you and you are forever in my heart!...im smling as i write this cause im tinka u in the libery trying to study, getting all worked up not knowing itll be alright, it will as you are smart and amazing and god blessed with a hell of a personality!..

yours forever!

1:07 PM - 4/25/2006 - comments {0} - post comment

poems

*****************************************

TO BLACK RAINBOW

I don’t know where I’m going,

But I know where I’ve been.

Life is unpredictable at times,

But still secure at its seems.

You, a part of the past.

A piece of time gone by.

May she make you happy,

May she sing you lullabies.

I will be living life to the full

And trying to smile just as always.

But before summer begins

And we go our separate ways

Thank you for being my shoulder

Sorry for taking you for a ride

And perhaps playing around

But true feelings I couldn’t hide

From such a deep and honest soul

So take these words now

And remember you showed me how

To stand up and smile again

And forget you I wont.

See you at the end of season

Ill see you name in my phone

And wonder how you’ve been all this time.

*****************************************

Guardian angel.

I’ve been talking to my angel

And he says it’s all right

I asked him to help me be strong

And be with me at night

I asked him should I be with you

Though the future scares me

He says I will be there

And I will help you see

Don’t let there be regrets

Let her hold you, though she’s hurting

Cause you care about her so

And don’t let where you’ve been

Hold you back from more good times

When you walk alone, I’m there.

Just a footstep behind.

Why not, when you care?

Summers coming and so is the sun.

They’ll be others along the way

Heartache’s, but laughter will come

And I’m here to stay

Though lovers will come and go.

*****************************************

Saying goodbye.

16 without hope, just dreams.

Staring out at the rain falling

Love or romance, they seemed

A thousand miles away.

Yet so many people come and gone

Within a hundred rain falls

I still dream of them as I go on

Perhaps they to think back

Though they have lifelong lovers

The past, it cannot be erased

You left traces of love

And softly said “I have to go”

I told you id never forget

You said to me and smiled

“life, it will be better yet”

and that it was and here

I sit, remembering your smile

Glad you left so happy and content

Half wishing you stayed another while

But life, it must go on.

9:56 PM - 4/16/2006 - comments {2} - post comment

college???

oh i duno....why did u bother going to college??!!!...why is it i feel like im in a fucking loop hole unable to escape!!....maybe i need to learn to just be friends and stop looking for love.......

"The Bitter End"-placebo

Since we're feeling so anesthetised
In our comfort zone
Reminds me of the second time
That I followed you home

We're running out of alibis
From the second of May
Reminds me of the summer time
On this winter's day

See you at the bitter end
See you at the bitter end

Every step we take that's synchronized
Every broken bone
Reminds me of the second time
That I followed you home

You shower me with lullabies
As you're walking away
Reminds me that it's killing time
On this fateful day

See you at the bitter end
See you at the bitter end
See you at the bitter end
See you at the bitter end

From the time we intercepted
Feels more like suicide...

See you at the bitter end

10:32 AM - 3/31/2006 - comments {1} - post comment

latest poem

1:32 PM - 3/30/2006 - comments {2} - post comment

its been awhile

i havnt had a rant in ages...its like im having with drawel syptoms!! omg theres like 3 weeks of lectures left...wtf happened to the time!!..my mother kept telling me time would fly but i never thought it would go by this fast!!

exams are starting in like a month or so..mad!! i feel like im sitting the leaving cert again!! AND to top it all off weve an assesment everyday next week!!omg im so going to go on apiss up a week from this friday with or without my drinking buddie!...ah it feels good to be back on bloggers land!!...damn bebo has taken over my time...but bebo dnt got a patch here!!

oh i should be studying but im just so damn tired (all for a good reason though)..yeah its good to be back and i shall make alot of visit to let out my stress next week...

peace out yall

2:12 PM - 3/28/2006 - comments {0} - post comment

ranodm pictures!!

because u rocked my childhood!!!!

when we sat across the river.....

where we drank, got high and met loadsa mad people in the coolest summer ever!!!

my baby photo

ah youve always been faithful to me and i will always love you!

my fav peanut butter and because i dont wana cook i shall to home now and eat sum!

because you are the most beautiful woman god ever made and you rocked my childhood when i lived in a dyke free world and all i could do was dream, hope yall enjoyed dis

pease out niggas!!

5:37 PM - 2/1/2006 - comments {1} - post comment

im back!!!!!!!!!!

yay ive finally retrieved my password...aaaahgr slow lecpreicans that didnt deliver it on time!!....ive been going mental unable to rant at all!!...well here i am

umm not much to say now tho...COLLEGE SUCKS!! i feel like i live here mre so than i studie here i mean like i go to the libery and half the "poplulation of the rowing club" (thanks for that saying neddy)...was there and me trying to studie didnt work so i just left and here i am ranting blah blah blah...isnt this great ted

heard gas joke today:

what do you call a one legged gingerbread man?

limp biscuit!!

i laughed so hard milk came outa my nose!! ...well i gota go hme coz its cold here and i neeed food n stuff

till next update,

"ill be back"

6:29 PM - 1/31/2006 - comments {0} - post comment

sum more random stuff.....

umm its monday im sleepy and we've started our new timetable (yay)...NOT!!went over to jmaies last nite ate all his food, watched him get stoned laughed bout stuffi shouldnt laugh bout (but hey thats life)...and went hme...AND the house was a mess!! but its ggod in away cause i cleaned it and it kept me from going out, and i think to be on the safe side i shall not go to eden anymore for a number of reasons that i dont need to go into..

...so i came acroos a sony by staind that rocked and this si for somebody whom i think is mad at me...you know who u are and im sorry for being such a fool...i hope i see you soon and if not, its been real cool!!

Right Here Lyrics

by Staind

I know I've been mistaken
But just give me a break and see the changes that I've made
I've got some imperfections
But how can you collect them all and throw them in my face

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I hope you're not intending
To be so condescending it's as much as i can take
and you're so independent
you just refuse to bend so I keep bending till I break

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I've made a commitment
I'm willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment
I found what I need in you

Why can't you just forgive me
I don't want to relive all the mistakes I've made along the way
But I always find a way to keep you right here waiting
I always find the words to say to keep you right here waiting

But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if I chose to walk away would you be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep me right here waiting

2:30 PM - 1/16/2006 - comments {0} - post comment

the world is fucked!!!

the world is fucked!!!!!!!!!!!!..well actually not its not, BUT ive been brainwashed by tommy tiernan lovers again left wondering how the hell i ever got sick of him?!!

well today was a kick ass day!!...im doing better in college than i thought...ummm maybe someday ill run microsoft, have a classy car and all the chicks will chase me!!!...(hey its ok to dream)...but then again i dont like when im chased, i must do all the chasing cause its what feels normal and what ive been doing ever since i can remember!!....

women are just fucking great, i know i talk bout women way too much especially lately...but its amazing how you can be having a class day and someone (who will remain namelss) looks at you and give you butterflys...youve had such an amazing time with, it is all in the past and it will never but repeated...but it happened and it was fucking awsome...as the saying goes "dont shed a tear because it is over but smile because it happened"....

...well i must see the legendary nedwin as she has made a return to galway..

...stay cool yall and ALWAYS fallow your heart

4:53 PM - 1/12/2006 - comments {0} - post comment

second day at college!

umm its tuesday and the second day at college!..umm what a mad weekend and one i wana forget, although ive had a few laughs thinking back especially the morning after...lol...but hey you only get one life so live it to the full and that i sure did!!..but its made me realise who really matters to me!!..being sober and with someone is just so much more intense, and memorable and just fucking awsum!!!

ive nothing interesting to write, still geting over the flu but energy levels are low still...listening to rob thomas on head fones!! yay its amost spring, i cant wait for it to be more sunny and chill at the spanish arch!! good times were had there in 2005, with almost everybody, sum were memorable than others...fuck knows how the hell they happened but they did and it rocked my world!!! i know theyll be more good memories but not like em!...umm i must go home soon and make food and try to get over this god awful flu!

till next installment

5:32 PM - 1/10/2006 - comments {0} - post comment

i danced with the future

lived like there was none!

you stood still and looked

thot u were the one!

its not worth the hassle

or worth the sleepless nights

i want no more tension

i want no more fights

i wana live now

so please dont hold me back

im done trying to recue you

done living wit the past!

tired of hurting for you!

2:43 PM - 1/9/2006 - comments {0} - post comment

umm i dont really feel like writing my head hurts so bad and today was the first day of college and it wasnt as bad as i thought it would be!!! i need pills!!! well heres my favourite song at the moments, lyrics are savage!

Kosheen - Hungry (Satoshi Tomiie Vocal Remix) 
 

You're like a child with old eyes
Cynical and sensible, always full of surprises
You travel far and wide, lookin' for the feelin', lost inside you

They don't understand you, no
Until it's too late
With everything they've handed you, on a silver plate

Hungry..

I'll give you this mountainside
Cool water, to lie beside
Give me these two strong eyes
To see the difference, between truth and lies

I'll give you this feelin'
When you kiss me baby, every day and every night
That's all I need, yes
Everything is, gonna be alright

Are you hungry, for a little more, than what you've had before?
Are you hungry, for a taste of life? What's your appetite?
Are you hungry?

Hungry..

You're like a sight for sore eyes
Lyrical and gentle, borderlining, sentimental
You're like a dream realised
So why do I keep falling back to sleep?
I'm so serious and deep

Are you hungry, for a little more, than what you've had before?
Are you hungry, for a taste of life? What's your appetite?

[x4]
Are you hungry? 

til i recover, peace out!

2:29 PM - 1/9/2006 - comments {1} - post comment

happy new year creeps!

Well here I sit updating from my bedroom, a place I feel most comfortable in, why? Well because it looks like its been lived in! the kitchen/living/dining room has to remain spotless according to my mother, its almost come to a point where you cant eat because it will make too much of a mess!! So my bedroom, is not dusty but not all that tidy either! I havnt looked under my bed all through the holidays incase theres something weird growing under there!!...

Christmas is over!!! Like how did it go by so fast, it crazy!! I enjoyed Christmas even though it holiday spirit was very low!! And all people wanted to do was go out on the piss!! I know that surprising to hear from me, but I love Christmas and its not all about drinking people!! Its about me putting on my ridiculous Christmas hat ive had since i was little and looking stupid but not caring because hey its Christmas!its about getting stuffed on your mothers food and eating enough to last you till next year!! Its about catching up with family and friends and having them reaslise no im not in school anymore! Its about talking bout grand mother stories and wishing she were here this Christmas! Its about singing in the choir eventhough you cant sing for fuck, but hey your miming so it doesn´t matter cause hey its Christmas! Its about watching the wizard of ozz and knowing every line because its always on!

So new years was like "same shit different year"... full of mickey finns, crazy drunk people, sexy straight chicks and me dancing like a dork but having the craic nonetheless ...same as last year...although, it was kinda weird, talking bout chick too my best friends sister (who is such a cool person) in my local pub...im sure I shocked a few people that night, but hey life is short, why hide who you are?!...theres been a lot of people saying we should live life to the full lately, in random conversations or in deep philosophical drunken conversation on the bus ride home! So we come to a conclusion: we are all getting old, and we don´t know how much time we have left, and its almost come to a point where we don´t want to drink because if black outs....i mean it´s a whole night lost! What happened last nite? I don´t know, all I remember being at the bar! The coolest night I went out and got tipsy, a girl from our football team asked I if I were gay! I said yes and she said that´s cool and hugged me and I remember it so well!! I remember thinking why should I care? But I was just happy because I always had a school girl crush on her, the kind where you got butterflys but knowing nothing will happen!! School girls crushes were always a bitch, but it felt so intense where as when you grow up you no longer get that butterfly feeling and life doesn´t seem so exciting! I use to sit in my bedroom at 13 and dream of it, thinking it was another world away but now its here, im free...im a god damn adult and people are getting engaged at my age!!! Its crazy, cause I feel like im still 16, enjoying life and not thinking of the future and living in the moment! It is crazy but maybe the best way to be, for nobody knows if tomarrow is another day or not!

Aye well, thers another week of holidays and my best friend is coming from America soon!! New years was not the same without her!! But I guess we all must live our owns lives no matter how much you love somebody! As someone once said to me, hey just because you don´t hear from me, doesn´t mean Im not your friend! To know theyre just a phone call away is comforting!! Well its late my bed is calling out and my wooden floor is cold anyway!! If these walls could speak oh what stories would be told...of crushes, love, wishes and dream, of me in my crazy teen years and coming to terms with who I am! But it´s the past now, I am now an adult (in age that is)...it´s a new year and we must go on!!

Peace out!!

11:20 PM - 1/2/2006 - comments {2} - post comment