anime, chocolates, and of course, water...could stop you from the shit of crying.

i was crying like hell. I couldn't stop myself from doing it. I couldn't breathe right then and there, and i thought i was going to die. I kept on sniffing, navigating for oxygen just when i needed it the most. I was grasping on my pillow and my feet were kicking mad on the bed. I wanted to rant, but it only went on soft, little wails. My eyes were burning, and my nose was red like hell. tears were flowing down my cheeks, racing each other to reach my chin. My hanky was kept on my eyes to prevent those cursed tears from falling, but they madly insisted. I cried. I cried. For the first time, i cried not because i was scolded. I cried because i am me.

Because i have always wanted to cry so badly. I wanted to cry, all i ever wanted was to cry. For all the stuff that has been happening to me, for my dumb heart, for my intolerable brain...for the whole thing that i am! I am Xerez, and this is the thing that has been bugging me. I am Xerez and I've got no one to love me.

SHUT UP!

I pity myself. I couldn't see what i've already got and kept on looking for something so unecessary...

HIM.

Normal day, normal day. Same old, same old. I even tied my hair in two little pigtails just to try the stuff out. Turns out it looked good on my, most of them say. I liked it. So...on goes with the day. Physics, i was deaf...no, i wanted to be deaf. the noise was driving me up to the wall that i wasn't able to control myself to shout at my classmates for their inappropriate talking and all that. Speech was chaos...whatever. Filipino was held just on a small discussion. Another day of junior high that sucks, so much like normal.

Then disaster decided to visit me.

we decided on doing our project for social studies. It went well, i may say. Gawgaw there, gawgaw here. Our hands were soaking with those damned sticky stuff. So i was kind of a slowpoke not to realize that i can wash my hands on the faucet over there! -_-'. So yeah, i went over there. The icky stuff ruined my beloved new watch and i ranted like a raving lunatic over the halls. I ran just so i can catch up with Monika because it had been a ritual of ours to walk together home.

As normal as it was, of course, she was walking with Dong.

I didn't mind at first, but i was really giving her hints that if she would mind waiting, i could've walked all by myself. I even shouted just enough decibels for her to hear that i would like to walk together with Teresa instead of her. And yeah, luckily, she had ears of a horse to hear me out. She was friggin' busy talking about details with my little, old best friend. I didn't care, i really did not. The thing that bugged me was that she wasn't a meter away from me and i didn't know if she was really pretending not to hear my humongous voice.

It seemed like the glass in front of me just shattered right through and i exploded. I got blurred, jealousy and anger got the best of my emotions and disturbed mind. Grasping for the chipboard, i ran and i didn't care anyone of them calling my name. She told me to wait for her, but i pretended not to hear her. My head went psycho and i was dragging my feet away from them. Hell knows why. I didn't want to see them anymore. I didn't want to see anyone at all. i was fuming with anger. i started ranting in english again. I badly wanted to get home right then and there. Then a group called me and asked me about a stupid question and i could hear her voice shouting from inside of the school trying to tell me to wait for her.

"AYOKO!"

i shouted. i planned on ignoring them, but their voices were ringing on my ears that it drove me nuts. I was angry and i knew it. My head was all wrinkled or so, and my brows were arching down. Another "Xerez!" was heard from the other side of the street, i rolled my eyes thinking that it was her again. Good thing it was Karen and Pia. I waved cheerfully at them as if nothing ever happened. They were the sight for sore eyes. They were what i just needed. A2 people. How badly do i want to go there so i wouldn't have any problems at all. My barkada cannot understand me. Even my so-called best friend cannot understand me. Surprisingly, no matter how many masks i tried on putting on, Paola saw through them and knew that i still liked Dong a lot. She was all i needed. I am sorry, tsongz, but i really felt stupid telling you stuff that were lies...but i thought that you were able to help me realize that it was completely alright. I am thinking that you guys must be tired of me saying the same thing all over again. I have Paopao, and she's not here with me now...I wanted to cry so bad. i was murmuring fucked up words on the street while walking just to keep me from bursting my tears. I kept on forcing myself not to care, but i did. I wanted to cry, but i had to visit kiddie club first. I made up an alibi to my mum that monika was with me and that she went ahead of me because we were both in a hurry. My mom bought it. i didn't want to stay. Keeping a stiff upper lip was driving me insane. i wanted to go the hell with my house and go down and cry...

So, i managed to say "hi" to my aunt, headed straight to the mirror and shouted at my reflection, "You look stupid! More stupid than you ever were before!". I slammed the door and saw my cellphone hanging there. I saw her sms saying that she was sorry for whatever thing that made me mad. I manage to reply her that i wasn't angry, that i didn't care for dong, that i wanted to die, that i wanted to cry, that i wanted to rain, that i wanted to cry. Then i completely bursted into tears. It was friggin' uncontrollable. I wanted to cry for centuries, but i never thought it would hurt this bad.

i never knew the reason behind all the tears. If i was angry at Monika, or if i was angry with Dong...or if i was angry at myself...

I cried...

I cried...

I really did.