EONS.

Eons, i say.

EONS!!!

It's been eons have i not updated my blog. I've been pretty busy lately. I studied for our examinations, and thank God I managed to pass. Though there were points lost. For example, there were answers i thought twice about, but i didn't know which one was right so i answered the one that first came to mind. Unfortunately, it was so wrong, and I lost lots of points because of that. Anyway, let's not talk about "could've beens" because it's keeping me down lately.*laughs*

Well...writing.

I started "writing" eversince i was in my first grade elementary. I was influenced by a good ol' comic book, "Archie", and Betty was really my favorite character. I admired everything about her. She was the reason behind me keeping a diary, always wearing my hair in a ponytail ((when I was still in elementary)), and hyup, you guessed it, writing. Before, I copied entries in her diary *giggles* and I insisted my mum to dye my hair blonde...and of course, she went berserk and asked me where I got the idea. I asked my dad to buy me a notebook for writing and Dad was so enthusiastic that he bought me three of them. I think I was quite passionate about writing stuff that I made a short story each day...and it really is short. It lasts 2 pages of a normal notebook. I would always run to my father and would ask him to read it and he would check my grammars. I didn't know where I got my ideas from but there was always a diamond involved. please don't ask. XD

Anyway, so, yeah, I wrote whenever I liked, i wrote wherever I wanted to, and I thought I was really goin' to be a writer when I grew up because I was friggin' obsessed doing it. Because of it, i wanted to further improve my grammar so I won't have too much of those red circles my father draws in my stories. I read books, though I cannot fully understand them, I asked my sister in the States to deliver me Archie digest books and she sent me lots of other books, too. I was really serious about that writing stuff, really.

Not until I got to Laguna College in my fifth grade.

Everything just went so big, and I was friggin' afraid of doing anything I thought wasn't right. It made my self-esteem down because I was so much incapable of adjusting to stuff. I kept looking left and right if there was something to get me. I was so afraid back then that I held a stop to my dream and tried focusing on stuff that would make me feel "acceptable" to the atmosphere. There were many people. Well, yeah, I admit that before, I couldn't believe that there were people smarter than I was. I was afraid that if i try writing at that time, they would laugh at me and they would criticize my works. The year passed and I say maybe i have blended in the background. But I forgot my passion for writing, then.

I entered essay contests, but i don't do that good. Though sometimes, luck tackles my fate and I win. But I couldn't find out why I did. All I knew is that my essay was so lame to even win. That went through thru my first two years in highschool. I didn't know why I never trusted myself enough to be even worthy to enter as a participant in the contest. So there. I'm already a big loser.

Summer after sophomore, I don't know, but i suddenly wrote something in my new intermediate pad ((i stole from mom))...and it was based on my real uhhmm...should i say "love life"...I changed names. So, then on, I was kind of impressed. I finished a one-shot in a day just by using a pen...and it almost killed my fingers. I missed typing on the keyboard so much when I stopped practicing for our examinations in computer before. After that, i became obsessed writing fanfictions. I thought of many ideas, and so far, I've only written 10 one-shots from all the 20 ideas I had. Everything else I had in mind...stayed in my mind.

Junior high got me distracted. There were so many things I had to attend to, so many stuff to do that I forgot about those ideas. I know it shouldn't get the best of me, but it did, unfortunately. Before, I was satisfied with my pieces, but when I tried writing again, ((Another ABC Soup, AsuCaga pairing)) I thought it really sucked so much. It was so stupid that I hated it. I was even indignant on my decision on wasting half a hundred on printing the story. After all those stuffs I thought I would learn and let improve my writing skills, it didn't change anything. I still was that "trying hard writer" that I was before. Maybe it gave me higher expectations from myself, but...It didn't satisfy me.

Our english subject then tackled paragraphs. I hated studying paragraphs even when I was still in elementary. They make you look for those miserable topic sentences and all those more miserable stuff. I only wanted to read, and not to classify! But this year, it was worse. We also hafta look for major and minor details*curses*. I guess I got used to topic sentences so I got good. But major and minor details caught me off-guard, causing me to lose about 9 freaking points from my examinations. And because of that, grades bothered me and it made me thought twice about my hobby. I told myself that grades shouldn't get the best of me if i was really determined to pursue this dream. The lesson talked about writing. So, our teacher lectured about how to do it right. The stuff. Most importantly, a word then bumped through my head that finally woke me from sleeping in her class, "Passion".

"You don't write to impress, you write because you want to express."

Trust me, those were the exact, same words.

Do I write just to impress?

Maybe...I do. I wanted compliments, anyway. I don't know...but I loved having them. ((I'm beginning to sound like Yukino Miyazawa..XD)) I don't want to be a hypocrite and say I never wanted to impress. But I am trying my best to act like ME. Right now, I wanted them to see and vision me as XEREZ. That I am shallow, I'm stupid and so much ego-centric. I wanted to be honest. Not that I am a bad person, but I wanted them to see my bad points, too. I'm not perfect, neither are you. I don't want to appear clean because maybe I really am not. but i try to do my best to be good.