...but then great disappointemet ran through my veins and it poisoned me.

Have you ever felt like it? Like, you did enjoy doing something, and you did try your best, you put effort doing it, but suddenly...it wasn't as pleasing as you thought it would be...do you know how horrible it feels?

It's like an anvil shot from nowhere and it punched through your chest. It was like you were a baby bird, and after all the years you practiced your flying, you come to your disappointment because you mother wasn't as pleased as you did with how you flew. It's like poison. It's poisoning me, really. I have no faint idea whether I can still bear to live to see more of these.

?

You want explanations?

After reading J.K.'s works, I've inspired to do a fanfiction about Harry Potter. And now that I have figured out what I thought to be a mixed up site to just submit my fanfictions, I found the perfect opportunity to get started.

You see, I rarely come to the computer to type stories. It will need more than just "urge". Yes, I have ideas more than my brain can ever handle, so I wished that there would be something inside my head that can immediately type it into one whole new document for the sake of not losing it. It is more than often that I lose it, so I experience a lot of disappointment, but not this kind of extreme extravagance that my reputation as a writer is now at stake.

Hold it, hold it...

I am not an internationally renowned author..no, no...

So there, so I wrote a new fanfiction, covering Harry Potter, because the idea was simply burning my head alive. Initially, I could've done it in two days' time, but it took me five. Personally, I did enjoy making it, and I was enthusiatic about submitting it.

And so, I did.

You see, I made a grave mistake. I submit three, yes, three fanfictions in just the same night. It was not a smooth move. They'll tire easily, you know. And besides, no one has enough patience to go and skim over thousands of web pages just to look for one, good fanfiction. So there, and since I haven't any more Gundam Seed one-shots, I have nothing to upload for the meantime, and the meantime means 100+ days. No, I am not kidding.

There, but I still did submit my Harry Potter fanfiction last night. Though the site did publish my work, I can't find it anywhere from the category. Maybe it did sound amateur. I knew right then and there that Harry Potter readers were more critical than any other, because they are specifically referring to a book, and not an anime, which can be accepted and read without certain standards to confide in.

Later on, I realized one, obvious thing.

I SUCK.

I suck at everything I do.

I am not meant to be a writer, or even a fanfiction writer.

I saw other pieces from the Gundam Seed category, and they receive at least a hundred reviews and only the fewest receive no lower than ten. My highest reviews notch only to nine, with one of them from my bestfriend, whom you don't really expect to tell you that your piece sucked. And it was pretty stupid from a writer NOT to read the rules. I just submitted the same piece to Veritaserum.com, but guess what, it didn't have a disclaimer, and it exceeds the number of words to a number of 800 to 9000+. I won't be surprised if the site banned my computer from viewing it.

I don't know. I just felt so sure, because I really did enjoy doing my fanfictions. And that last piece I certainly enjoyed the most. It created my downfall. ACK. For a moment I gained confidence, but before I could even cherish it, stupidity grabbed it from me and refused to let me have a look at it.

Maybe I'll get over it, maybe I probably won't.

And about Daniel Radcliffe. I don't know. He just rocks, and yes, I probably am saying this along with ten million teenage girls more beautiful and nearer to him all at the same time. I don't love him...I think. It's just so silly! But I guess he has been every flower for any great depression I have been experiencing. I don't know why I'm talking like this, and I'll give just about anything to just shut my mind from thinking like this. Maybe it's one of those stages, yes, it probably is. I had this before I graduated from elementary, though I don't think I felt this strongly about anything. In this wonderful month, I managed to brush "him" away from me. I'm having insatiable fantasies every night, and it sucked to always have reality checks every five minutes. But still, I hope that I will meet him in that one, perfect day...and I will kneel over and kiss any shoe that it will be in this lifetime. Oh sure, if he reads this, he'll consider it as any other "fan" delusions, but no one can blame me. I never did hope I could be seen like a sore thumb apart from the other fans. I am not a fan, anyway. He said he'd like a laid back and rock-fan just like him for a girl, and no, I am not even considering to be like that. I want to be real. It's not like I'm not laid back, nor do I hate rock but..stop me.

I'm living with complete insanity crawling up to my head. My birthday's getting nearer and I am hoping against hope that only few people would be reminded because all I want to be right now is to be ALONE. I don't want anyone to greet me except for my family. Yes, only them. And those who do probably will greet me because I promised to treat them out. Bullcraps. I don't know. Suddenly I hated my class. Argh. And if Dong did greet me, I'll explode and kill him the moment I get a glimpse of him. Imagine, last year, I had to remind him. He's insensitive, I know. I'll burn him alive if he thinks of greeting me. Yes.

I don't know what's happening to me, so don't ask.

I don't want to feel this way anymore.

And my brother's getting his sensitivity checks again. Curse him.

I want to die again. Please...