The pain I feel inside is unbearable. The shameful pain of defeat still lingers on like an intoxicating poison.

I've become a very hard person. Just one night, my routine failed on making me smile just before I sleep. I have always imagined "what if's" between my best friend and me and it always felt so real and so pleasing. That one night, I felt so pathetic, I didn't want it. The feeling was so fake, I didn't want it anymore. It wasn't the same as it used to be. That one night, everything moved on without me even noticing it.

The songs I used to make me imagine of incredulous fantasies. Romantic or bittersweet, it didn't matter anymore. They were annoying. The songs that made me remind of those times just annoyed the heck out of me.

I've set my priorities, and it turns out love (in a sense in which teenagers could actually understand), wasn't really one of them. I hated it, I don't know why. I've been thinking I might've been having this weird kind of personality. Cold heart. Not in a sense when I brush people away from me..Cold heart in which apathetic teenage problems concerning heartaches don't affect me anymore. They all seem senseless. I am a rock. I am a rock. I am a rock.

Defeat. Tsk. I didn't give my best shot in my last essay contest, which was Kapnayan, and it comes only every after three years. Our school would've been grand slam if it wasn't for me. For me. 1st in the quiz contest, 1st in the poster making contest. NADA in the essay writing contest. What happened!? I won at the Rural Bank Essay Writing Contest..I expected the pattern again, and I didn't do my best. Of all the friggin' times I had to strike my unbearable misconception of the saying, "You win some, you lose some", it just had to be Kapnayan. I suck. I hate it. I feel so guilty. I didn't give my best shot. I can't give out excuses. Excuses are pathetic, my mother tells me. I lost. There would've been chances, but if only I came prepared! If they only told me that there would really be an essay contest, I would've prepared myself! What the hell would motivate me if they weren't actually sure I'd enter!? Those are my excuses, but they don't matter anymore. What's done is done.

I've been listening to Fantasia's, "I Believe". I am going to stand up again. I promise. Failures or victories, I'll accept them all the way.