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i'm grace..thats me
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Goodbye
*this poem is dedicated for my favorite uncle who passed on last Dec. 7, 2005. It was read on his eulogy as a tribute.
I vaguely remember,
The days when you used to play with me.
The times you'd snatch me from our house to show me off to your comrades.
The moments that we spent together, with me riding on your shoulders.
Now, I'm wishing that I should have had a picture of those memories.
Because you, who's suppose to tell me, my childhood stories;
Have gone to the other side,
Leaving me with a blurred picture of who I was with you.
It never occured in my wildest imagination, that you will leave me this early;
Unprepared, and vulnerable to the world around me.
I have my father with me, yes i know that.
But it's hard to lose the one person I lean unto when he's not able to be there for me.
I never told you how much i love you, when you were still here;
And i know that this would be, my only and last chance to do so.
So uncle, if ever you're listening - whereever you are,
Please know that I love you so much;
And if God would give me this life again,
I'd still choose you to be my uncle.
Thank you for always being there for me,
And for treating me as your own.
I'll miss you forever.
See you on the other side.
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Posted: 3:42 AM, 12/26/2005 by leatherface |
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Life in Taiwan
Writing this down just to write I guess. I know that just words on a blog are a little boring. I think people need a bit of flash. I think that I am going to start video blogging - really- I have everything I need, all the programs, camerra all that shit plus I think I have a visually interesting life, I do interesting things like go to raves and fancy resorts in far off places. I t is all visually quite interesting. Writing is good too and I think that it is important. Writing gives you the depth that video does not. But if you combine the two and add art along with it I think you have an amazing combination. I am just a bit put off by the technology, I am still a bit of a techno-phobe, I guess it is just something that I am going to have to get over. There is something about the tap of a keyboard though that I kind of like. I really don't care who reads this after all it is just rambling, it is just boring bull-shit, the spew that is spontainiusly coming out of my head. Yes I am writing just for the sake of writing right now, but it kind of feels good I feel a bit like skiing or sliding, you don't know when you are going to stop, you just know that it will be at the bottom of the hill. Or untill my beer runs out and I need another or when I need to really start cleaning the house and doing shit. Fuck I have been so lazy lately, boy do I suck.
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Posted: 5:26 AM, 12/14/2005 by groovedaddy |
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Life in Taiwan
Just let it out, what I don't know, anything, our cats - such complicated creatures - one of them is going through a bit of love dprivation, jelous of the other cat. Last night she decided to show her feelings of anger and disgust the only way she knows how, she pissed in the bed. Although not pleased you can't win a pissing contest with a cat, so now I am giving her what she needs, she is purring on my lap as I write this. I am such a good pet owner, yes understanding the emotional needs of your pets is very imprtant. Otherwise, I guess I'll be quite busy up untill we leave for Bali, tomorrow we are going to Taipai and then, it is another work week untill PARASISE yah. So 'till then I just have to hang in there. I find that I am sleeping a lot lately, I must be needing the sleep, I'm still getting over a cauph that I have, plus I have been feeling a bit strung out lately. I still have feelings of being a bit overwhelmed at times, but for the most part I am getting used to my new life here in Taiwan.
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Posted: 12:42 AM, 12/9/2005 by groovedaddy |
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Life in Taiwan
Another day another dollar, or so it goes. I have been having funny dreams lately, I think C has been having strange ones too. I have been dreaming that I am gay, now why I am having these dreams I can't say exactly, alot of it has to do with being here in Taiwan. As a westerner you get used to being the one who is different all the time, now this is combined with coming out as an artist. Not many of my friends have really been exposed to my work and for those that have I have not recieved much of a response. It isn't easy coming out!! It isn't easy being accepted by poeple who view you as different. The problem with poetry is that it isn't always easy to understand, you really need to put some effort into it, which is not unlike the effort that it takes to understand somebodies sexuality if it is different than yours. You need to be able to put yourself in their shoes to relate to their experience. The issue becomes, is it really worth your while to expose yourself to something new. I don't think that we do this naturally, if we do it at all we do it with the support of others we do it in groups, we create subcultures that are avenues for our expression. I am still looking for that. I am trying to find it anywhere I can, whether it be on the internet through a blog or in my community. Art has to be a way of reaching out to people, it has to be a way of creating comunity through values that are shared, but also learned, art has to also be about education as well as a shared experience.
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Posted: 1:27 AM, 12/7/2005 by groovedaddy |
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Time
What is time but a brief interlude in space./ categorized to fit neatly within our social constraints./ Lover, fighter, teacher, coward, fool./ These are nothing more than the outcomes of the cross-section of space and experience./ Oh I need the chance to be good./ I need the chance to alter time and create space./ What is the space I crave./ What is it that I am trying to create.?/Is it that to create is never without risk./ So I cleave to the space that isn't really space but the room that is already occupied inside my head./ I look inward so as not to look out./ I look in, in a vein attempt to deny space./ I look inward to stop time.
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Posted: 2:15 AM, 12/6/2005 by groovedaddy |
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Life in Taiwan
Well here I go talking about my life again. It isn't always that interesting just had a bath and I am feeling very relaxed. I have to leave for work in about an hour, so I have an hour or so to kill. Writing while uninspired is certainly a challange I don't feel overflowing with ideas all the time I think it is in part because I am not recieving any feedback. I feel the same way about my poetry, I have actually gone through quite a lot of trouble to set up this audio/video of my poetry but nobody has seen it yet. I just don't know what the right venue is for it. There are a couple of places I have in mind, including the internet, but I need a bit of technocal support.
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Posted: 1:12 AM, 12/6/2005 by groovedaddy |
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Life in Taiwan
Hear I go with more of what is exactly at the tip of my toungue, sometimes it is pussy that is there and I am going through various flavour sensations, from the acrid taste of urine to the taste of sexual secretions. That is not what I am experiencing right now. I am just typing words and thoughts, I have many, but I still find it hard to be completely honest with them. The problem is that I don't always know what hosesty is, it is quite hard to define. I still fantasize about other women, when I see a beautiful woman I still think about what it would be like to sleep with her. Is there anything wrong with that? I hope not because if there is I confess to my devience. Getting married doesn't just put a stop to thinking about other women and quite honestly I hope that it hasn't put a stop to my wife thinking about other men. The whole idea of absolute manogomy seems a little rediculous, now this is not to say that I am looking for sexual opportunities outside of my current situation, I am sexually fulfilled. There is a reality about age, my wife is 13 years younger then I am. I would never want to limmit her sexual experience to just me. I have had many lovers while she has had only two, but honestly; I am the first to have consistent and loving sex with her - I am her first real lover and she married me. I am so blessed, I just don't want her to ever feel constrained by the bond of marriage - she should never feel bound by marriage - she has the freedom to be anything she wants to be, I will never tell her she can't do something even if it means having other lovers. I will always be her husband and nobody is going to change that - our commitment to each other transcends sex, although; that being said I want to be the best lover she will ever have.
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Posted: 12:08 PM, 12/5/2005 by groovedaddy |
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Life in Taiwan
Feeling well rested, ready to take on another week-end. I think I am getting over this cold. Had sex this morning and it felt like a dream. This is the start of a good week-end. This month is going to be very eventful, going to Tainan to see a dance performance it should be amazing, next week we are going to Taipai, DJshow also should be amazing then Bali. It is all bang bang bang, I don't think my life has ever been this exciting or adventurous. I have to learn to just relax and apreciate it for a while, get off the edge, cool down and enjoy the ride. Life is taking me to a new level, I feel hope springing within my veins. Don't stop, don't stop, just keep writing, write what ever comes to mind, write about writing if you must banging out words on the keyboard, It doesn't matter. When I am exhausted this is hard to do but when awake it is quite easy. I want my mind to take me on a ride, I don't know where it could be anywhere, I just want to ride. I want to be on an adventure, I want to go fast. Type words quickly on to the screen, don't think just type. Imagine youself on a pair of skis and you are going down hill you are picking up speed you are floating on feathers fast. your body has no weight it is being suspended in air as you fall almost out of control down the hill. My life is taking on these charachteristics, I need to let myself fall freely down the hill, eyes wide open and feet just slightly elevated from the ground.
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Posted: 12:19 AM, 12/3/2005 by groovedaddy |
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Life in Taiwan
Don't think just type, ok I will try I will try to express hoe I am feeling at this moment. First of all I am in Taiwan I am naked sitting in front of the computer. My wife is in bed sleeping. I am feeling tired but a bit restless. I think too much I know, that has been my problem my whole life, thinkin and thinking, I would like to turn it off sometimes, but I can't. I need to think at my job I am a teacher. I talk all day. I explain things for a living. I talk to all kinds of poeple, doctors, children, computer programers, busness poeple, house wives and they all have one thing in common, they all want to learn how to speak English. I think about my job all the time, I feel I am grtting better at it. I am starting to develop pride in it, in being an effective communicater. Some times I feel that my life is a little lopsided and I don't have enouph energy for my personal life, but when has that not beenm the case? One day I am just going to take a full year off of everything and write, just like this. Write untill I have written so much garbage that it will fill a book. I prefer to type rather than write with a pen. I like writing with a pen aswell, but when I write with a pen like poetry or something, I feel it needs to be profound. I have to learn that not everything needs to be profound, or even interesting, who am I to say what is interesting anyway. Some things I find very boring many people actually like, mabe this blog will be one of those things. Is anyone interested to know that I am a 37 year old man writing on an apple notebook computer in his apartment in a big polluted city in Asia writing what ever comes to his head - naked. Speaking of naked, It is my goal to be naked for a whole week, I want to go to some nudist colony and just be naked and free, although who is really free? I don't care relatively free then. I want words and art to flow through me like a mountain stream. I want poeple to bath in my cool water, I want to cure the sick in spirit, but most of all I want to cure my own spirit. I want to reach a level of transcendance I want to rise above the world so I can look down upon it like GOD as he is viewing his creation. I want to be my own god, I want to create my own world and be one with it. I don't want to be limmitted by boundries. I want to live a life that is joyfull and rich. I want to be healthy brimming with health. I want to be an abundance overflowing. Right now all I can say is that I am not.
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Posted: 12:25 PM, 12/2/2005 by groovedaddy |
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Life in Taiwan
Being sick isn't really that much fun, the throat infection I had last week has turned into broncitis. Which is one of the terrible two for me, the other thing I just can't seem to shake is strep throat, once I get that it is pretty much game over until I get some anti-biotics. C and I have a really big month ahead of us, next week-end we are seeing this really exciting dance group called the Cloud Gate Dancers, then after that we will be going to see our friend who plays in a funk band. The week-end after that, we are headed to Taipai to see the #1DJ in the world Paul VanDyke, it will be the first time I see a really big show like that although I have been to a few raves, then of course we go to Bali for 9 days of sex, sun, surf, and SCUBA. Over the week-end I was able to commit another poem into painting and on the screen, just this afternoon, I saw my whole production to date and it looks pretty good. It always surprises me a bit when I see the poetry in that way - type-written words on a computer screen are cold and impersonal - anything created by hand has a kind of intimacy that is almost sexual. I think any form of creation is ultimately sexual, they are both "a big deal" for similar reasons - if the sex or art is not in some way origional and starts to follow a predictable pattern, it looses its authenticity. The sex act becomes hollow and stail, art when it looses its authenticity is no longer exciting and becomes as dry as a frigid vigina or as limp as an impotent penis. Frigid and limp are good discriptions of bad art - frigid because the artist is stuck to a formula and limp because the bad artist is also willing to bend his own integrity (if he has any) to fit the construct. These types of artists are very easily labeld because their influences are painfully obvious, they might be imitating Piccaso or Monet or anyone else who is "good" and by imitating they become excellent mimics but certainly not masters. To be a master you can not have peers, you must be alone in your pursuit. Likewise, being a good lover demands strength of charachter and an independent will - there is nothing less sexy then a man who is afraid of being himself and so has to immitate others in order to be accepted.
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Posted: 1:53 AM, 11/28/2005 by groovedaddy |
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Life in Taiwan
Even on days when I am busy I still have time to write and do a bit of art. I often feel rushed and as though i don't have enouph time in the day. I think it has a lot to do with a more general state of stress. There have been so many changes in my life and I feel as though I am still struggling a bit to adjust to them. Relaxation techniques would be a good thing, I need to find my zone, the place where I feel at peace, it could be on a walk, or just sitting still - meditating. I just need to find that place.
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Posted: 1:38 AM, 11/24/2005 by groovedaddy |
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Life in Taiwan
I only had one class today, so I thought it would be a good one to take off. I am loosing my voice and not feeling that well, the job I have requires me to use my voice a lot, I think it pays to be a little cautious. I can't say that I mind a day off I think I need it anyway. I am taking the time to do some painting a bit of writing as you can see here and listening to a bit of music. Later I will get c.d. ready for my ladies and we can spend the morning talking about music. The next day I have DaFu we talked about, well I talked about literary vs oral culture. I made a comparison between Socrates and Confusious, both occurred relatively simultaneously in history and they both started moral philosophy in their respective cultures. Certainly there was philosophy before Socrates and there was morality in religion before Confucius but, it was not systematized in an authoritative framework that defied reproach. It was the written word that became "THE WORD OF GOD" and the word of the state, the literature that was created became the institutions of state and religion. The verbal contracts that created interpersonal relations were usurped by the laws of the state which created civilization.
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Posted: 2:05 AM, 11/23/2005 by groovedaddy |
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Life in Taiwan
It is 3:26 am and I am not sleeping, so I thought I might write instead. I think I am coming down with a cold, my lungs feel like shit and I keep coughing and waking my wife up. Say what you want about being sick though, I find that when I am sick or just getting sick, I feel a bit like I am on drugs. I actually feel kind of creative, I come up with ideas. Now how many of these ideas actually get realized in a fit of inspiration? Usually none, but what if they did, what if every person really acted out, or made reality of the things that were going through his head while sleepless in the middle of the night. The idea that I got just now is about my poetry art video project, I was thinking that it would be cool to show it off in the theatre I have here and then record peoples reaction to it. Give people the opportunity to actually be part of it, make the show part of the show. This could start a whole creative process, I think that it would be great no matter how people reacted because it would be real. Isn't that the goal of art - to be real. It would kind of be like reality t.v. but not trashy like a lot of it is, people would not be reacting to something negative, like some stupid competition, or eating disgusting things for the chance to win money - to me, that is just pure shit - these would be people reacting to something positive and having the chance to be creative.
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Posted: 2:21 PM, 11/21/2005 by groovedaddy |
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Life in Taiwan
There is such an abundance of everything in my life, I would just like it if it were to slow down a little. On the week-end we were quite busy with stuff like art shows, we went to a "philosophy cafe" which a foreigner set up, there was a woman who is a linguistics professor at one of the universities here who gave a talk about linguistics. The talk was actually quite boring, I think she just pulled out one of her lectures and presented it to us, but I was thinking this may be a good opportunity for me to expose my art. The thing that is really great is that I have the perfect venue for it, it is right here in my own building. We have a movie theatre in our place, plus a reception area, it would be a really easy thing to do. I think that things like this, blogs, home expositions and the like are where culture is going. With technology the way it is there are no limits to what is possible.
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Posted: 1:53 AM, 11/21/2005 by groovedaddy |
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Life in Taiwan
Well, it has been a while since I last wrote, I have just been busy. Life doesn't stop changing, today C and I went to look at a new place that is right on the ocean. It has pros and cons and it is up to us to decide really what kind of a life we want here, how long we want to stay here, what we want to do here. The place we were looking at is really beautiful but it isw a bit of a fixer-upper, we would have to buy things for it, invest in it really - on the pro side, the place would be very close to a university, we could both get degrees very cheaply and hey, going to school here may be a lot of fun.
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Posted: 12:56 AM, 11/15/2005 by groovedaddy |
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Life in Taiwan
I am feeling tired today. My energy is all used up. I have been having trouble with my adult classes lately and it has been causing me a bit of stress. This is normal stuff, it is just part of living in another country - there is always culture shock. I think the shock becomes greater when you actually become familiar with the culture, the Taiwanese are quite inhibited. This makes language much more difficult to learn, although nobody tries harder than they do, it almost seams as though they try too hard. Sorry for the short entry today but I feel a bit of writers block.
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Posted: 1:35 AM, 11/9/2005 by groovedaddy |
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Life in Taiwan
I don't have much time to write today, I'll just give a quick update. Had a nice relaxing week-end with no plans, so anyway, C and I were riding down this street and I say to C,"look at the kitty" well next thing you know we are in full out rescue mode. We lured the cat in with food and took it to the vet to get dewormed and washed, now we have a new addition to the home - so far so good.
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Posted: 1:33 AM, 11/7/2005 by groovedaddy |
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Life in Taiwan
Boy do I need the week-end! I just need a couple of days where I can be away from teaching. I like it, but it can be stressful. Something that is really important is to treat yourself very well, even when the world is putting you through some turbulence. Last night I did just this. C had a long day, but mine was very short because I got pulled from teaching a class. This did cause me stress, I felt incompetent and rejected - but the reality is that you can't please everyone, and only a fool would try, so I should just let it go. Most of the feedback that I have been getting reguarding my other classes has been overwhelmingly posative. So I made the choice not to sulk and instead got a bottle of wine, made a nice romantic meal and then made love to my wife - today I feel like a million bucks!
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Posted: 11:13 PM, 11/4/2005 by groovedaddy |
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Life in Taiwan
I just visited one of my Canadian neighbors in the hospital, he has pneumonia, gpt it here in Taiwan. It is a little freaky getting sick here although hospitals are not too bad, the language barrior can be really touph. The air quality here is very bad, I didn't know what smog was untill I got here. I am going to try to invest in a good quality pollution mask - the shit you breath here is so unhealthy, I will never take clean air for granted ever again. I was having one of those days today, an "I hate Taiwan day". There are things that frustrate me about this place! There is no point in being too frustrated though, I can change any situation I am in just by quiting or adapting, adapting is usually the best choice. I have a job where I am with students,but only for a short time, 6 to 8 weeks - starting with new classes all the time can be quite stressfull - I don't like it any more. I am going to try to have a more permanent schedule in the future. I love rutine. I want to start a fitness routine. I need to start improving my life here, I am getting sick of my apathy. I am sick of my lack of energy. Tomorrow I am starting the day with a hike!
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Posted: 6:44 AM, 11/4/2005 by groovedaddy |
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