Stranger is a business traveller. He came a few years ago and he opened up the doors for me sexually and non committedly.

Although he ever sent me postcards on where he lived and travelled, we never knew anything about each other.

We had some great memories together and it's been a while since i heard from him.

Wherever you are, Stranger, i like to thank you for breaking me and turning me into a gal i never knew i am.

I have many single fenale friends and many married male friends. When i started getting back into the dating market, i realised i'm attracted to married men.

It's not because im addicted to risk, it's the fact that i'll have more space to myself and i won't have to deal with questions like "When's the next holiday,

weddings and family functions"...  No fuss, no muss. And they'll understand if  i suddenly finds someone new as at the end of the day, married men will

always have their wives to fall back. Gals like me are in for a fun time, nothing else.

I realised that the world is changing tremendously. Married men are taking their affairs for real and i met 2 who are actually in a divorce proceeding in

order to marry the lovers. Did the world change when i'm busy having fun or the lovers are into the real deal nowadays??

Who is the blame? The Men, The Lovers or The Wives? What happened to the times where Men told Lovers that " I can't leave my wive, kids, etc"

The lovers happened to be my very good friends. Much i admired their guts to get the impossible relationship, sometimes i think to myself "Are they doing

the right thing?" Then again, who am i to judge them. Honestly, i strongly believed that these 2 gals have fought very strongly to be where they are today.

Call them house wrecker, or hubby snatcher but these women have fought very hard for their existence. It left me thinking "Will they live happily ever after

or will The Men still stray  like he used to?"

I woke up to the smell of lavender and a crazy woman screaming at the end of the phone. Still my eyes are closed, i guess i can't make out on what she's saying.

Well, something happened at the workshop. The wiring burned out and the whole system just shuts down but luckily there was no fire and no one was hurt.

In a day like this, usually i would call a boyfriend and hoping for some sympathy or moral support instead i called The Hot American. I was calmed when i told him.

In fact, i didn't even raised an eyebrow when the technician told me the ridiculous damage fee. I took a breather and realised that i no longer need to rely on anyone to make a decision. COOL...

Why am i keeping sex with The Hot American a secret?

Cause i am one of the boys in the pub.. Everyone likes him and i am surprised when people started asking about him whenever i turned up alone.

If i were to tell them, i am sort of seeing him, then he'll become public enemy. I don't want that. I want people to feel extremely comfortable just

like when i'm with him. Even though, our friendship will come to an end one day, i'll still wanna smile and acknowledge him when i see him.

Why wash your dirty linen in public?

I'm sure the world had secret sex too... Enjoy. Have lots of secret sex.

Forbidden fruit always tastes better.

I met Miss Single last night at my favourite pub. She was cool, funny and single for four years. "Welcome to my former world", i said to her.

"How many hearts have you broken so far?", i asked innocently with a naughty smile. "Well, i haven't been having sex and i am desperately

wanted to", she replied. "What? You're kidding, right", i said. I paused. I was thinking on how is that possible. Some of my girlfriends are

single but they never lack of sex. How can anyone go without sex for four years?? We talked and realised that she never even had a one night

stand and never even know on how does a fuck buddy works. Did i mentioned that she was 35?

What is happening? Did i grow too fast or am i just loose?

"A fuck buddy is someone whom you call whenever you need sex. The whole idea is to get in and get out", i began preaching.

"What do you do after sex? Do you cuddle and go to sleep?", Single asked.

"Well, the whole idea is to get laid. After sex, you give an obligatory hug, get up immediately and head home", i answered with a straight face.

"Can you do that?", she asked with a confused look in her eye. "Do you have a fuck buddy?", she asked me.

"I do. In fact i had sex with him this afternoon", i lied. The unspoken truth is i was on a sex romp with Hot American. So good that i came almost

twice. None of my friends that i am humping him, of course. Everyone thought that we do get along well minus the humping!

This week alone, i single handedly managed to cause too much destruction. Is it healthy? I don't know, actually. Sometimes i wish i'll never grow up but seconds move faster that you expected and before you know it, you had created your own hate club. Maybe it's me or my hidden baggage. Seriously i am lost in my own doing. Nothing seemed real anymore. I am officially numb that i don't feel things the way i used to. When you were told that you had a certain lifespan left, the first thing you do is to go through your "life list" or get really drunk with a total stranger who thinks you are beautiful. For me, i get really drunk first and  then create some self destruction. Who really cares about medication? When you have to leave this world, you leave.. Every second someone is being born and someone dies, so what is so special about myself? I am even planning to make a funeral dress for myself. At least, i get to do it the glamourous way and even plan my outfit. No more baggages and no more worries on what i'll be doing in five years' time. Jealous? Oh well, you can't have my life. It's mine and at the moment, i am very happy with it. It's like carrying on the family tradition. Someone has leukaemia and so does the rest of the bloodline.

It was a tough Monday morning and i didn't wanna get up from bed. Finally i decided my veg-out day is over and i forced myself to wake up to an empty home again. I opened up my secret box and it was my first dress i designed. Yup, it was my supposedly wedding dress and a bow for the groom. Well, after putting it on, it felt weird. Too tight and it turned yellow now. That can't be good, right? It's a sign i can't be a bride. Besides, Doctor Sexy who is now Doctor Crazy gave me a hell of a time this morning. "Appointment! Appointment!" Holy crap!!! Why can't they leave me alone? I called Aries and told him to meet me online. I sat in front of the PC and on my webcam. It took him a while and when he's online, i showed him the dress and how ridiculous i looked in it. "Orang, look at me", i said looking frustrated. "Nice, nice, very nice. From now on, it's only white clothes for you", he said sleepily in a funny German accent. "I want a career, attend huge parties and get smashed on weekends. We both know that i can't have kids so why not enjoy each other's company. We can do things that you like and what i like", i suggested calmly.  "You're saying yes to marriage?", his eyebrow raised so high that i barely recognised him. "Not until you agreed to the terms that i  had laid earlier", i said. "Orang, i love you but your terms are ridiculous. My partying days are over and you should stop smoking", he said firmly. "Fine, then marriage is off. Leave me alone.", i screamed. It's finally over. My obsession towards Aries. Gosh!! It took me years to realise he's not The One.. New life from now on.

I had a long night of partying yesterday and i decided to take it very easy despite of the noise pollution. I didn't go deaf though, thank God.. As evening comes by, i am still lying on the bed, unshowered, unbrushed and still alone. The apartment seems so cold and extremely quiet. Looked through my CD collection while pouring myself a strong one. Light up a fag and groove to the music, this seems like the perfect way to end the evening after whole day of veg-out. By the fourth glass, i am feeling tipsy yet happy and then came an overseas call. "What are u doing, Orang?", Aries sternly asked. "Where are you? Drinking already?", he asked agressively. "What is it?', i boredly asked. I used to get excited whenever he called but today, i just wanna listen to some dirty jokes and not answering questions. "Listen, i'm at the jewellery's store and i saw this very nice ring. What is your ring size again?", he said calmly yet very rushed. I felt nervousness in his voice. "You mean my middle finger?", i asked him sarcastically. There was a long pause. "Zara, i like you very much and it's time you confess your love to me and i want to make you mine. Marry me or live with me or whatever you want."  I hang up the phone. I switched it off. I never expect "The question" to pop up.  I'm not ready to get married and we're too different. We want different things. I want a career and independence while he wants a wife and kids. The only solution right now is to stay away from him for a while. We can still hang out but if he pop the question again, i will leave his life for good.

I don't know what i'm running away from. Is it Aries, Virgo or my past? Aries wants a future with me while Virgo prepositioned "one last night".. Why can't men of my past just let me go and stop tormenting my mind? It's causing me distress and i have been loading myself with work. Relationship with my girlfriend is deteriorating and we are like a separated couple. She didn't come that often now and i don't even know where she's at.  Here i am sitting in an empty house,  a house which i once called home, alone and abandoned. It feels like a cell except that it's me who felt trapped. No one to love and no one loves me. The emptiness just keeps getting wider and wider. I wonder.... Will i be able to fill up this gap before i drown?

Getting back to work after one month of fooling around certainly paid off. I am fully motivated and Hot American is fully supportive as my job gets in the way of our future hot dates. Right now, we're one of those couples that hangs out in the day. Today, i went to the club and took measurements for four very fussy ladies. They looked like goddess yet chic in every aspect. Smart and beautiful yet they have to make life difficult for others in order to start their night. I was bombarded with silly questions and i really felt stupid and challenged which leads me being "bitchy", well, sort of. I can't even make a phone call to my Hot Man. Oh well, no one ever said that work was ever gonna be easy. Even porn stars hated their job eventhough i think it's cool to be able to shag a colleague in front of the camera and pretend to enjoy it at the same time. Damn, i'm so stressful that i needed a good shag badly!!!

Everyone has a list somewhere. Mine is "Things to do before 30". Never did all though but mostly achievable. For a start, i met my dream man Rick Price. Held his hands and took a picture with him. He's everything i had imagined him to be. Suave, old like gold and faithful lover. I am going on a sex romp with The Hot American tomorrow and i am so looking forward to it. Yesterday, my horoscope said that "all i ever wanted will come true" and i was pretty excited about the surprice that i'm about to get. Guess what, Hot American came downtown to meet me! We make out like teenagers despite we were in a  restaurant.. So hot and i secretly wished that the time will stop so that he'll never have to go home. We talked about many things (including his secret sex of four years) and he craves for more intimacy. Whoever didn't like that?? But if we create more intimacy, we'll be bonded and i do not want to have any emotional complication. When it's over, i just wanna close that chapter and move on. Sounds crazy? I've shut people out of my life before, sadly, it's not that easy but life goes on. Anyway, Hot American will always be remembered as the Best Sex of the year!! Ladies, life is not all about carving a career or  juggling multi task!! Open your eyes as the world is busy getting laid.. You should too.

I've fallen ill yesterday and being paranoid which i am, i went to the hospital after a wonderful dinner with The Hot American also known as the best sex of the year. We had a small sort of an argument the night before but it wasn't serious but i did managed to avoid his calls and not replying to his texts. We didn't talk about the argument but instead we laughed it off. I thought my sulking days are over. Yeah, i should stop being sensitive and grow up. I was so ill the whole day today and my imaginations grew wild. Who will actually know about my death? Will anyone even grieve when im gone or am i a good riddance? Hot American called a few times and that distract me from poisoning my own mind. I like him, he's like the male version of the tramp i had in mind. He knows when to be dirty and when to be serious but everytime, it's superfun and crazy!! Something which i have been looking for all this while. Our friendship has a lifespan too which i kinda find it cool. No bullshit and hidden lies, just straightforward. Fun and sex.. What more can a gal ask for??

So much for a disasterous Monday!! I watched my happy movie yet cheesy in every aspect "Notebook". Yup, that's the title. After my third fag, i realised "How can i be so selfish"? Aries deserved all the happiness in the world and i am simply not a baby person so i have to celebrate and throw "I'm barren, how 'bout you" party. I'm not an ugly or boring gal to be with. Do i actually care that the former love of my life has found someone who shares his dream? I moved on a long time and why wouldn't i stay away from him for good? It leads to only one answer. Happiness.. He makes me happy despite our differences. He's the body and i am the soul. Oh well, that was puppy love back then. Everyone will remember their first love and if i were to end up with him, "Hello... what have i been doing all these while, huh?" I think it's time where i make a clean break something which i should have done years ago. He was never mine in the first place.

American gave me a lovely wake up call and i called him back when i was really awake. The perfect morning conversation that ends with a lot of flirtatious laughter.  Everything was fine when i saw a bunch of ugly Chrysanthemum on the coffee table. Linda was having tea and turned to me "Good morning, those came very early for you" "Did Maggie saw that?', i asked nervously. "She left a few minutes before that came" she said while trying to be focused.  I went near the ugly flowers and read the card. It says "Beautiful way to start your day, Love Orang" Beautiful, my arse.. Didn't anyone told him that Chrysanthemum is a funeral flower? Or maybe he's wishing me dead already...Damnit Why can't him do anything perfect nowadays? Funeral flowers on a monday morning?? Fuck Fuck Fuck..... I picked up the bunch and dumped it in the bin. What is it about men and ugly flowers? Why can't they send a clown or nice breakfast instead of disgusting ugly flowers? I swear if i see Aries today, i'll strangle him so hard that he wished he never met me.

I wonder

I love family gatherings. The little brats running around, yummy food, best wine and after 10pm, it's my made up sexual escapades to my married cousins. Apparently, i am a party whore who jumps from one bed to another. They envied my single life and independance yet the unspoken truth was, i am with a woman and i spend most of the night at my bestfrieds's place. My cousin's husband throw a picture of an ugly old fart  who happens to be a millionaire and said that he saw my picture and likes to get to know me. I threw his picture on the table and started doing the chicken dance while laughing as though Mr Bean just did something stupid. Suddenly, i am the public enemy. That stare with wide mouths, i swear, a frog can actually jump in there without any problems!! "Cool it, happy people. I am not the marrying kind". "Well, we think it's time you bring home someone for us to meet" "Ah, nope.. I'm happy being the life of the party. Why spoil it" Whew!! That line saved me. Everyone started bursting into laughter and one actually said "You're too young anyway. Have fun and don't end up marrying like me" Everything went back to normal as i predicted. It will take my family a million years to accept my girlfriend. Since i can't have the best of both worlds, doesn't mean i can't juggle them.

Courtesan seduces a King's mind with music and sexuality while a whore trades sex. What difference does it make? Why does a courtesan considered noble and a whore is considered a tramp? In the world today, everyone is a slave to something. Look around and think.. Is everyone happy with the choices they made today? Be it a career or stuck in an unhappy relationship which they find it very inconvenient to get out. Since when do human lost their rights to do anything they want? Consequences will be the first thing that comes to mind. I am a lesbian yet i am making out with a man which i barely knew. In the olden days, i will be stoned to death but in the world today no one really cares. "Till death do us part"?? They should change it to "Till u leave the the house".. I spoke to my cousin today and asked how did she managed to have a wonderful relationship with her husband and she said "I don't really care what he did outside, the moment he leaves for work, he's no longer my husband. As long as he comes home every night, i have no questions to ask".  Bingo!  I never knew heterosexual relationship changes while i am still learning to accept the fact that i am with a woman cause i secretly felt that no men was ever good enough for me. I had dated the world yet i was never satisfied. Men will always be a mystery to me and i'll never go deeper as the fun stops when i pour out my heart on the table. The ship has sailed and im kinda happy that i boarded another ship.