Well today so far has been a good day and I am not in a bad mood yet. I think that maybe after school I will go to the mall and get the rest of my stuff for prom. I am so excited that I get to go shopping and I cannot wait. I still don't know how I am going to decide what color I am going to get. I think that I want to get like pink or red.I am also going to look for my shoes at the mall while I am at payless. I am going to get a handbag and I cannot wait to get all this stuff I have never had this much money to spend at the mall and I cannot wait.

Javier is still on my mind and I want to talk to him but I cannot do that here so I might do it at home I don't know. I need to decide whether to keep talking to him or to not talk to him anymore and then move on with my life.

Well there are just a little under ten months until I graduate from high school. I am not all that thrilled, I have no clue what I will be doing when I leave. I know that I will be looking for a job and starting school not long after I graduate. I want to get an apartment sometime between my nineteenth and twentieth birthday. I don't know if I will be staying in Washington or moving to another state.

I am also nervous about not seeing everyone from school everyday like I used to do. I mean they are the only people I know outside of my household family. I know my neighbors but my only friend Melissa will be leaving in two weeks. She thinks that she will anyways. Then I don't know who I am going to see or talk to. I wanted her to be here for my graduation party. This summer will be different without her and everyday after that will be different. Then my friend Christina will be leaving me in May because she gets to leave early because she is gratuating.

I will have to make new friends next year when I get back to school. I am not to thrilled about that. I wonder what will happen to the friendship that I have with Jesse. I mean we will probably never talk after I leave school. I know that it has to end sometime but I still want to talk to him. Well anyways I hope that I figure something out so that I don't go into shock when I get to leave school.

Ilayzeia

Okay so I sent Javier an email last night and he wrote me back saying that he has a life too. And that staying home on a friday would be like playing Jesus. I am not so sure about that because I get the feeling that he has a girlfriend. I mean its not like we are together forever because we live like 2000 miles away from one another. Its just that I thought we could talk sometimes and keep each other company. But if he has a life then that is fine with me. I just don't want him to tell me he loves me if he doesn't really mean it. I know that I should not have said it but I feel that way about him. He acts like he cares about me and acts being the keyword here. I guess I need to move on.

Well I got my prom dress yesterday and it is so nice. Today I went to the mall to look for jewelry and I found a lot of jewelry and some hair stuff. I also found cute little handbags that I am going to use for prom. I want to find a nice pair of shoes to go with my nice little dress. I just hope that I don't regret going to prom.

Javier who I will also refer to as Falcon has just someone that I meet online why do I feel that I need him to be the first guy I tell those three precious words to. I mean what if I meet someone that I truly truly love and then I feel that I cannot you those three precious words. When you say those words you need to feel that in time the two of you will grow to love each other more than you already do. How do you know when you find "The One" and how do you honestly know that you love him or her. I mean people say that they love a certain person and then they are not sure or they change their mind at the alter. I don't want to be one of those people. I want to be able to say " I do" and mean I do. Do you understand what I am saying? I hope that my friends don't think that what I did  is that stupid because I am starting to think that myself. I what the HELL was I thinking when I told him ' I love You' that was so stupid. I just said tha because I so very BADLY want someone to feel that way about me because I guess I am not getting that from my friends. I mean I know that I get it from my mom. But I really want a boyfriend someone who is there for me and me only. I know that right now I can only hope that some day I will get that and that I know it will be the one.

Jesse is right I don't know whether it is real or fake. I guess I will write him back and tell him that he was right and that I am not in the mood for I told you so. I just don't want to hear it. I was so badly wanting it to be realy but that is the trouble with online chating and people who you think want to be your boyfriend but in the end they are just using you.

Why is that when you think you have found the perfect person you really don't even though people lie to you to get what it is that they want? When  I tell my friends about stuff most times they don't believe me because I have never done that before and it doesn't seem like I would do that. Like the other day I told them that Javier this guy I have been talking to online for like a year told me that he loves me and I told him that I do too. Well they all said " It could be fake and it could be real so be careful." They should know me well enough to know that I would NEVER just go off to see some guy before we really get to know each other. My friend Jesse said that he  would take a 4 by 4 and stick it all the way up his ass until it came out his mouth. The scary thing is that he would actually do that, I mean I would do that to if some guy hurt my friends and would also to that to some girl if she hurt Jesse. It makes me feel better about the fact that I have accussed Jesse of not wanting to be my friend. It makes me think that he was tellin the truth when he said he wants to be my friend. Jesse has been having a bad week and he had a really bad "Friday". SO I was trying to make him feel better yesterday so I was really preoccupied. I just want him to know that I really do care about him as a friend. That he is the best friend I have. No other friend has ever said they would hurt some guy if he hurt me. Now I am scared to tell him that Javier was probably using me so that he would have someone to talk horny to. Ever since he told me that he loves me he hasn't been online. So now I don't know what to think. Except that it was fake so now I don't want to tell Jesse because I don't know what he will do. Probably nothing because Javier didn't physically hurt me. I know that if he was using me I will be very hurt and depressed on Monday. If he is not on all weekend then I will never talk to him again. Because I have had enough of people saying they love me and then they leave me.

I want Jesse to know that I do want to be his friend it is just that I have not been getting that feeling lately. He says that he has not been ignoring me on purpose; I don't see how you can not ignore people on purose. Well I don't know I do really like talking to Jesse because he makes me feel better about myself and when I am having a bad day makes me smile. Like when my friend Christina was dating this guy James; Jesse was the first to notice that Christina was ignoring me. But now that she is not dating James we talk a little more and I feel better. So Jesse is the one person that I trust the most with my secrets becaus he notices how I feel more than anyone. Sharon my most favorite teacher who is more like a grandmother to me also knows when I am not myself. Which I have not been lately. So they are the two people that I tell when I am having a BAD day.

I will be graduating in November and then I won't get to see Jesse anymore which makes me sad because he is like my best friend. So I will miss him greatly, but people grow apart that is what they do. I am staying at school longer than I have to so that I can see him for just a little bit longer. Also to see Jaynel and Sharon.

Well I am going to go. I will write more later.

ilayzeia