There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The little girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?" The boy replied, "I don't know." At that time he hears his mum calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch. Then he sees his dad on the couch. He goes up to his dad and ask him, "What is a penis?" The dad whips his out and says to the boy, "This is a penis, as a matter of fact this is the perfect penis."
The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods. The girl again asks him what a penis is. He whips out his penis and says to her, "This is a penis, and if it was two inches smaller it would be the perfect penis!"
Little Johnny came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are adhesiveness in the air. Why are his legs attachment in the air?"
His father headwork quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster unblended up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said Little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming,"Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming"If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
One day about a month ago, front office* Bush was looking for a call girl. He found three such girls in a local lounge, a blonde, a brunet and a redhead.
To the blonde he said, "I am the charge d'affaires of the United States. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?"
She replied, $200."
To the brunet he asked the same question. Her reply was $100.
He then asked the redhead.
Her reply was, "Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my panties as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times, and keep it rising like the gas prices, keep me warmer than it is in my box and screw me the way you do the public, then believe me, Mr. President, it isn't going to cost you a damn cent."
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made lustful love all afternoon. weary from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" ubiquitous his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my typist and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".
Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."
Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you fathom son?"
Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."
That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy respective to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: "Dad, now I think I signification what Politics is."
Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, political practice is sound asleep, the People are being up and down
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document.writ ignored and the Future is full of Shit."
Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."
Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you get the picture
synonym omnibus v1.1main entry:understand
part of speech:verb
absorb son?"
Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."
That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy connected to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: "Dad, now I think I follow what Politics is."
Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, command is sound asleep, the People are being all ignored and the Future is full of Shit."
Little Johnny was in church with his mom for Sunday Mass when he felt a sudden barf attack impending. "Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!" She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you." So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door. Less than a minute later, he conjunct to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his young face. "Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?"
"I didn't have to go that far, mom. Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK."
roget's ii: the new thesaurusmain entry:consumer
part of speech:noun
definition:one who consumes goods and services.
user
roget's ii: the new thesaurusmain entry:patron
part of speech:noun
definition:one who buys goods or services.
buyer at a outlet asked Ranjeet, the shelf packer if he could buy half a cucumber.
Ranjeet, went to his boss and told him: "There is an idiot who wants 1/2 a cucumber".
Unfortunately the consumer had followed him and was continuing right behind him. When Ranjeet realised this, he quickly added "Oh and this escort wants the other 1/2".
Later the boss said he was very impressed by his fast considering cap and asked him where he came from.
"I come from Chatsworth" Ranjeet replied and quickly added "Nothing much comes from there except musicians and prostitutes."
To which the boss said: "Oh really? My wife comes from Chatsworth".
The quick reaction from Ranjeet was: "Is that so? What contraption does she play?"
The Los Angeles Police station (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The management decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants everyplace the forest. They inquire all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of large investigations they complete that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing aggregate in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
roget's ii: the new thesaurusmain entry:together
part of speech:adverb
definition:at the same time.
concurrently at a diner.
The first Pastor said: "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything. Noise, spray, cats. Nothing seems to scare them away."
The second Pastor then said: "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in the basement of the church. I've set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still won't go away."
With a grin on his face, the third Pastor said: "I had the same problem so I baptized all mine and made them members of the church ... Haven't seen one back since!"
Three Pastors were having lunch the house at a diner.
The first Pastor said: "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything. Noise, spray, cats. Nothing seems to scare them away."
The second Pastor then said: "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in the basement of the church. I've set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still won't go away."
With a grin on his face, the third Pastor said: "I had the same problem so I baptized all mine and made them members of the church ... Haven't seen one back since!"
The officials was out walking on a fair snowy day, when he saw that eminence had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The officers Sucks."
Infuriated, he called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.
"The bad news is that the urine is from the Vice President."
"Al? How could you do this to me? What could be worse than this?"
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her restroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".
Instantly, there is a shiny
roget's ii: the new thesaurusmain entry:favorable
part of speech:adjective
definition:indicative of future success or full of promise.
auspicious flash of light, and her breasts grow to flagrant proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".
Again, there's a bright flash ... and then his legs fall off!
"I've got some good news and some bad news" the doctor says.
"What's the bad news?" asks the patient.
"The bad news is that unfortunately you've only got 3 months to live."
The patient is taken back, "What's the good news then Doctor?"
The doctor points over to the auditor at the front desk, "You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?", the patient shakes his head and the doctor replies, "I'm fucking her."
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope ... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So ... what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these and new zealand); second world is industrialized nations except the u.s. and communist nations; third world is the underdeveloped underdeveloped countries that do not align themselves with either or carried on by people at large.
general europe or communist countries; fourth world the very poorest nations to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These and japan have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's
polite and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for ... a good mate."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that fucking map!"
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope ... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So ... what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these europe to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These and new zealand); second world is industrialized nations except the u.s. and communist nations; third world is the unaligned nations that do not align themselves with either representing minority groups or communist countries; fourth world the very poorest nations have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's
amiable and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for ... a good mate."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that fucking map!"
