7/6/2007
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All by myself...
| I am starting to feel better. It sucks that I had to be mean and run
everyone in my life off to get to be by myself but I am and I am kinda
loving it. I think it is just a matter of minutes before I am over run
with people trying to bring me back up...(Fuck the peppy. Do I look
like a peppy kinda person?I'll answer that for you...NO!!!) I am just so damn crowded these days. Someone always wanting to be in my space or touch me or something. That's all good in moderation but as a full time thing I just suck so bad at it. I like me by myself. Then I don't have to protect anyone's feelings or take care of them. Even when I think I have the alone time there is a text message or a call...something to let me know they are just a few numbers away from me (why did we all get the damn cell phones?) It is just so damn hard for me. I have walls and even if I attemp to take them down, they are still there enough to let me get these panick attacks when I know they are being climbed over. And climbed over they are these days. If it isn't the man, then it is the girl. If it isn't those two, it is one of the twelve kids in and out of the house on any given day. It is always something. How do they expect me to know how to breath if there isn't any air in the damn place because they have taken it all? Help me for real...I am awful person for feeling like that but that is just me. You can take it or leave it. I can't change. Trust me I have tried and it wasn't a lot better for anyone. |
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7/6/2007
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Overly Broken
| Fuck when it rains it pours..... more like when it rains, a tornado
comes by and take the whole damn house and just leaves you standing in
a basement. And lemme just tell you not a very big basement when trying to fit in this many people. First let me start with saying you can't save everyone (Thanks Melissa) but sometimes you can't save you from yourself. I am trying to save me and my relationships from me and from them but it isn't working out the way it needs to be. They are going to make the same mistakes no matter how many ways and times you tell them to stop. I am going to do the same dumb shit regardless if I know better or not. It is just the way these people are and I wish for the best for all of us but we are failing so very bad. Secondly, I can't stand my mother for the most part. She can't stand me either most of the time so it isn't like a very big surprise. But when I got the phone call today that she was in the hospital with some very serious shit, I got this weird feeling. Maybe it was because I just saw her yesterday or maybe it was because over the last few months we have stopped judging each other so harshly. Either way, I feel very bad she is sick and I can't save her. I am so sorry mom. I know your life is falling to shit but mine is a little off too and I can't or don't know what to do to help. But for the first time in public I will say for the whole world to see... I love you and I am sorry. As for the sound of my life...I am not trying to be mean. I am falling apart and you were suppose to be my man in the shining armor. Not just to get your black ass outta bed when I need pancakes but for all the rest of it too. You keep asking me what to do but it feels fake if you do it because I tell you to. Think for yourself. You are a big boy and know the difference between right and wrong, don't you? Fix it on your own this time. Live without me like I am not here. I can't save you. I did that already as much as I can. I did my part in fixing you, saving you and holding you up. Guess what sweetie? It is my turn! Either do it right or don't do it at all. I keep telling you these things, so don't be surprised. Just keep it moving.... I am exactly as my phone says I am.... OVERLY BROKEN |
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7/6/2007
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How bad am I?
| I read something today and now I am super depressed. I am slacking in
so many areas of my life and no matter how good I ma trying to do, I am
failing. I do not blame this on anyone but myself. I should and most of
the time do know how to do better but this time I am just lost. I wanna
make the kids life the best as possible but I keep failing at it. I
want ot love them and be the best mom in the world but I keep being
told how bad I am at it. What do I do? How do I do the right thing?
WHat the hell is the right thing? Everytime I have the kids I take them fun places and do fun things with them, but then the boy gets bored and he wants to be anywhere but here with me. How do I fix that? I couldn't afford it this time plus we have both been sick, so that weighs hard on us. I am not saying it is just that, but that is part of it. If I broke it and him then I want him to be where it is better for him. I just don't know how to do that or where that is. |
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7/6/2007
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She hates life
| We go to the fireworks last night and all I can think is that everyone
was not having a good time but me and my kids. Well and the man, but he
loves being like a kid again. I had a great time other than my belly
being an ass and having to wait so damn long for it to start feeling
better. It is still off today. We had all that time alone last night
and the only thing I could think to do with it was sleep. Not sure if
it was the pain meds or if it was the pain itself but I was gone as
soon as I laid down. Anyways, the kids were making her crazy and the man was making the other one crazy. Between the other two females in my life, I felt like I spent all night babysitting the two of them. It is hard to be in charge of the adults all the time but I guess we all do what has to be done. It just seems like if you aren't happy then maybe you should move on to somewhere else and find your own happiness. Stop waiting for it to fall into your lap because that isn't likely to happen and if it does it probably isn't for real. |
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7/6/2007
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Damn pics
| So back at the photographers office taking more pics and it feels like
it is taking forever but in all reality it has only taken us a few
minutes. My kids are sick after being at the pool too much, so my girl
is suppose to be on her way to the house with them. I wanna get this
done super quick-like but it is gonna be a few more hours I can tell. I
only had a chance to load up a few of the pics because the rest need to
be worked on or they can't be shown I guess. It'll be good I am sure
because I will get some more today and then I will load them up too. I
just want to get this over with as soon as possible. It just takes
forever I am thinking. |
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