9/1/2006
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Gettin an idea
I have progressed to gettin a lil trashed a few days a week (but for those who are keepin up wit hthe drug habits of me, I have been pill free for oh I dunno...almost six weeks). Now I don't mean trashed as in drinkin. I mean as in smokin weed, which I didn't know was as amusing as it is at the moment. At this minute I am sure a few of you are thinkin "The girl traded one addiction for another." Yes that is true, but (as any addict will do) let me rationalize it for a minute. I did but I traded to one I don't do everyday. I traded to one I don't pay for (think of the money I am savin right there). I also only smoke on the really bad days when the cravings are real bad adn I am starting to lose it a lil bit. Yes, it is still a drug.... but think of it!? Isn't it the lesser of the two evils? Anyways, when I am high (like I was last night) I tend to think things in a straight (or a little curved) line and things that, on a normal day, don't make any sense suddenly become incredibly clear to me. Let me give ya a lil example... Ri has always been my role model...I mean for as long as I have known her, I have looked for her approval in all things. Now I may not follow her advice at times but I can't completely ruin my fuck-up image, not even for her. (The reason for that is because I have a fear if I started to be "good" than I fuck- up it would be different. People would be disappointed. Right now I fuck-up on a pretty regular basis so people kind of don't get overly stressed about it.Anyways, all off the subject...) The point of all of this jibber jabber is that I was watching her last night after we were both stoned (I am an adamant people watcher even sober) and realized she is just like me, only older. Her shit is no more together, she just can front better (she tends to spill it when she is high). She is lookin for acceptance, not in general but from the certain ones she wants to impress. She does dumb things to impress the guys she likes. She hates bein alone, though that doesn't make her any less independant. She is scared, though you wouldn't know it to look at her. And she is head over heels in love with a guy she can't have. Then it occured to me...like a lightbulb suddenly came on in my head right there in the middle of the bedroom... she is just like me. She has been fronting so well for the last few years, that even I (who knows everything, I thought) didn't know the front was that big. And ya know I almost thought that would make me lose respect for her or idiolize her less, but really it made me love her that much more. I mean the girl isn't so perfect. So what? Neither am I and she is still Ri, right? |
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