9/21/2006
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I know I'm not suppose to
| But I cannot help myself...I want this one person to fix me. I don't know how or when or if he even can, but I know that what he makes me think and feel is a new thing lately and I really need that. I need him. I just don't know how to tell him. I don't know what to tell him or how to make things any more right for him, since his life is just as screwed as mine. And I know we don't get fixed by other people, but it makes my mess make more sense when I hear, see, think of him. I know he makes me want to not give up, for no other reason than to see what happens with him and to make sure he is ok. I just love him that much and that is why I stay back and let him live the way he thinks is best for him. I just hope he doesn't ask for my advice because then I will really have to tell him and it may make a bigger mess for the whole clan. I just want him to know I love him and am not asking for him to do anything for me. I am asking him to look at his life and figure out the best for him. I will be his friend and stand right here beside (or a little behind him) making sure no one is fucking him over too bad. That is the point...I know how much I really love him (I always have) but I love him too much to let him fuck up by being here (not that he can or even wants to right now). I love him enough to shut him out when he is one of the only people I want to let in. I love him enough to smile at him and laugh at his jokes when I feel like I am dying inside from the fear and lonely I feel on an everyday basis. I love him enough I will never be able to hang on to him for very long...I know if I let him in too far I will be hurting him worse. |
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