9/22/2006
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I am twisted
| Ri and I were discussing the ways of "our" world and I was explaining to her my reasoning for suicide if I ever did it. I am a lot crazy and a little obsessive, which explains a lot. I am so obsessed with control that if I thought I was gonna end up with my death being unplanned or out of my control I would have to put an end to it myself. For example, when I found out I was sick and that jackass doctor wanted to give me a time frame for worst/best cases. All I could think is if it is worst case as soon as I get things for my kids in order, I'm outta here. I know that is twisted but I feel the need for this control in order for my life to make as much sense as I can outta it. It is very sad but it is the way people like me deal with things. I mean I have no control over anything. It is all moving by some force I can not see, feal, hear or understand. So in order for my life to make sense I have to get as much control over the small bundle of things I can and stay focused on that. Well somewhere along the way I figured out to a certain extent death is something I can control too. That made my life part make a lot more sense because now my death can be controlled too. It makes it a little easier to live each day knowing if I really didn't want to do it I don't have to and there is nothing anyone could do about it. I know that makes me a little more crazy and in need of a little more medical help but it makes me a little more sane. |
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