10/24/2006
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The aar is here
| This has been one hell of a week so far. Let's start with the fact Aar came here for a couple of days. Then there was the hellacious birthday party on Sunday (which happens to be the day he got here) and then the fact that I have a toothache on top of it...well it has been an experience to say the least. I love having him here, but....(ya know there is always a but) he loves me and I don't know how to deal with that. I mean I feel like I am completely unworthy of love like that so it makes it hard to be nice to him. But then I realized that even when I am mean, he doesn't go away. I keep making excuses to not have to be in this relationship with him but it isn't getting me anywhere. He loves me and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I want to love him back, and everyone knows he would take care of me if I would let him, but it is so damn difficult to love someone who loves you unconditionally. He can't see my mistakes. He can't be made to see the imperfections I carry with me all the time. I am unsure if he even really sees me or if he just sees the version of me he wants to see. Most people would love to have that but I want someone to see my mistakes and love me regardless. Not someone who ignores or overlooks my fuck-ups like it isn't me doing it. I mean he thinks I am a nice person and have just had a shitty life. He believes with the right amount of love and guidance that I may come out on top, being a well rounded citizen. I am just saying that isn't likely to happen. I always thought I wanted someone who could look past my faults and love me anyways. Now I am realizing that I want someone to look at my faults and love me still. I know it seems like there is very little difference between the two but that isn't true. There are huge differences. One is seeing me and one is seeing what you want to see in me. Maybe it is just me...am I unwilling to let myself be loved? Is that the real problem? |
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