11/3/2006
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I am a fuck-up
How is it that a situation that is completely wrong is also in the same moment the one you think is right? How is it that, in the moment, things don't always look so bad but then later you realize that it may be worse than expected? And how is it that you can care about people so much that to make sure they are ok makes sure you are ok? Lemme just first off say I am not all about fucking up anyone's stuff. I am not one to want the extra chaos in my life or try to bring on more drama than absolutely have to. I want all people (or at least the one's I care about) to be all happy. I want things to be better for others than I do for myself. I really just don't need all that much. A high now and then. Some cigarettes so my nerves can stay under control. A ride when needed. Maybe food and a little sleep every couple of days. That's really all I need. I don't want to make anyone feel like I am trying to "take over," "invading" or in general trying to be more than what I ever was meant to be. Every once in a while you will find a situation that causes you lose your breath and make you smile for no reason, and any sane person would try to hang on to it. I, on the other hand, will try to push it away. I will try to run and get to where I feel like I am in control with myself again. I do not like to feel like I am being irrational due to the fact I am controlled by emotions or a needing I can't control (or understand). Then there is that one moment when someone can understand or at least tries to understand you and you can't help what is going on. In your mind you know it is the wrong space, time and energy to be in but then it isn't. I am a sucker for non-judgement in my life. Being able to say what I want and to know that I who I care about isn't going to walk away makes me fall into a place I can't control. I mean if I want to tell you that I thought of killing myself at breakfast and you say need me to hold you, you have me. How sad is that? I am a holding whore. So where do you go from there? How do you take back control when you can't breath? How can you think straight one second and then the next be fumbling all over yourself trying to keep your life in check? How can you care about someone so much that you want to do nothing but touch them and never say anything because you are scared to fuck up their life you will watch the hurt happen just to make them happy? And how can you care about someone that much for years and still try to back away when they finally see it? I wish I had the answer for something. I dunno how I got to here but I did and now there is no getting out of it. I can't think straight and I can't breathe and I can't sleep and I can't eat and I can't stop fuckin shit up all over and I can't stop feeling like everything is perfect... WONDERFUL. |
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