5/6/2007
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I give up
| I give up on the "right thing" if there is ever going to be such a thing in my life. I have tried do the best and be the best for everyone my whole life. Well at this point, I think the best thing to do is to let it out and just do and be who I am. Regardless if I make people happy or do what this group wants from me, I am still gonna come out on the bottom to the whole other group. So why should I even try anymore? I love him, but is that gonna be enough to hold us through all these hard times and all the stress of making it to the better parts of this relationship? I am not sure anymore. Yes, I have done more foul things in the last year than I even thought I was capable of myself. I hurt people. I schemed. I trusted the wrong ones. I believed the right ones let me down. I reated myself and everyone around me like it was all about the one when he never made it all about me. Do you know what hurts the worst through all of this? I believed in all of him. I believed he was wonderful and he was thinking of me like I was thinking of him. I believed I meant as much as he did. I was so fucking wrong. I never meant anything but a means to an end and God I hope he is almost at the end because I can't do it like this much longer. I can't hurt and cry and be left out to dry. I have to have some support some time too. I have to count to someone once in a while or I feel like I am invisible. I don't want to be see-through any more. I want someone to see me. I want someone to feel like I am here not just because I make enough noise but because I hurt that bad and they love me. Oh fuck it. Let me start again... |
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