5/6/2007 - The birthday party
Posted in Bitchin

He is gonna leave me hanging and I am gonna have to sink or swim out here with these people all by myself. He is the whole reason I am going but he isn't gonna tell them that he invited me. I am gonna be treated like it was all my idea. He will off and on talk to me the whole time I am there and then I will be left on my own (incredibly uncomfortable too, I might add.). Led will show and get the kids and then I will bounce out. I am there for support for him, but who is gonna support me through this whole thing? Not him!!! Not anyone.
He is the wrong thing. I know he is but I am still asking the same question as I have been in all the previous posts before this. God, I just want to figure it out as soon as possible before I kill myself going through this shit repeatedly.
And ya wanna know the best part? I got to go down there and talk about his girlfriend like it isn't me!!! Like it is someone else, even though I am the one who put the time, money, effort, and support into the last year. I am still stuck in the closet. It isn't fun. It isn't a game anymore. It is my life and my childrens life they are fucking with. But he doesn't care as long as it isn't his or his childrens'. How fucking appropriate!!!!
I am getting to the point I hate him. I would rather he just leave and not be right here in my space. I would rather he just stay in another area, in another room, away from me until I am asleep. Then if I wake to him here I am not so mad. But when I feel his hands on my skin I just want to hit him. (WOW, that is the first time I admitted it! It felt really good!) When I see him smiling in my face all I can think "What are you so happy for asshole!?" I mean I really want an answer to what he thinks makes it ok for he to be like this to me. I want what is in his head that will cause him to love me or hurt me. I want to know true answers not bullshit ones anymore of how he can keep doing this. Not the same "I'm stupid" answer I get. I already know he is stupid. I want to know what really makes him think this is ok to do to someone. I want his reason to why I should stay. I want his answer to why because I don't understand anymore. I don't forgive him anymore. I have no reason to. I don't trust him. I don't believe him. And above all that I am not sure I want him anymore.(First time saying that too!)
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The crazy life of me and my kids....I had another journal on here but was gone so long I thought I would start a new one.

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