5/7/2007
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I'm not mad
| It has been another long time in the process of me making this relationship work. I don't even know why I want it to work. It isn't worth it, really! I mean is it worth it? I am just never sure. We spent last night talking and he is worried about the things that I do but I have never been the one to do anything foul to him. I was the one that held him and tried to get them back together without any thought to how it would make me feel. I watched him hurt her but thought I was special. (Why do girls always assume that they are the special one to make things different? For those who don't know, we are not special!!! Either they will do right or they won't regarless of who we are!) Anyways, it has taken so long and so much effort to believe that we are going to make it and then to turn around and realize that we aren't going to make it anywhere. The sad part is I really do still want to know what is just best for him but I don't know what it is and he refuses to tell me. What is the right move for this life or this relationship? I want to tell him I will go until he decides that it is really me that he wants to be with. I need him to make this choice and make it fast. I know it would make him mad and I don't want to hurt him. But this is my therory on the whole thing. I will go until he decides that I am the one he want. If he never decides that then I am hoping that somewhere along the way we can become friends again. If that doesn't happen then I am very sorry to lose one of the best people I know but I got to protect me. I hate that it ended up this way but I think it is finally time to do it this way. I will go find a job qand my own place to live and he can come see me. I think it is gonna be best for both of us to see if we can make it on our own. He wanted that months ago and then somehow got comfortable with me taking care of him but now I can't take care of him anymore. I got to take care of me and the kids. That doesn't mean we have to break up. It just means I feel the need to be independant just like he did. I think it will free me. |
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