5/18/2007
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Are ya for real?
I couldn't make the shit up if I wanted to. I mean the things that happen in my life are so priceless that I know I am half the time not believed but I always go with a friend in order to have an outside source to vouch for the things I tell. I thought something had got sold outta my house with out my permission and I thought I was gonna have to kill a man. The truth is what is his is his and I won't say anything about what he does with it but this...this thing right here will cause me to kill him. Or leave so I don't kill him. Well when I walked in the house yesterday, in all my hung-over glory, IT was missing. Well, I had just went to go make some money and he was making some money so I couldn't figure out why he would have done this. I searched for it and asked him for it. I had been specifically specific about getting rid of it before I had left for my two hours so when I came home and it was gone.... lemme just say Death was a close option. It took him another hour of fucking with me before he wants to say he still had it. Did he not realize the thing that just almost happened to him? WOW whatta man.... He did still have it though he had it packed up to go get rid of. Baby that is the thing you have to keep. All the rest can go but that has to stay still. We need that for something. DO NOT EVER GET RID OF IT UNTIL YA GET A NEW ONE!!!! |
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5/11/2007
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And she messes up
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5/6/2007
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The birthday party
He is gonna leave me hanging and I am gonna have to sink or swim out here with these people all by myself. He is the whole reason I am going but he isn't gonna tell them that he invited me. I am gonna be treated like it was all my idea. He will off and on talk to me the whole time I am there and then I will be left on my own (incredibly uncomfortable too, I might add.). Led will show and get the kids and then I will bounce out. I am there for support for him, but who is gonna support me through this whole thing? Not him!!! Not anyone. He is the wrong thing. I know he is but I am still asking the same question as I have been in all the previous posts before this. God, I just want to figure it out as soon as possible before I kill myself going through this shit repeatedly. And ya wanna know the best part? I got to go down there and talk about his girlfriend like it isn't me!!! Like it is someone else, even though I am the one who put the time, money, effort, and support into the last year. I am still stuck in the closet. It isn't fun. It isn't a game anymore. It is my life and my childrens life they are fucking with. But he doesn't care as long as it isn't his or his childrens'. How fucking appropriate!!!! I am getting to the point I hate him. I would rather he just leave and not be right here in my space. I would rather he just stay in another area, in another room, away from me until I am asleep. Then if I wake to him here I am not so mad. But when I feel his hands on my skin I just want to hit him. (WOW, that is the first time I admitted it! It felt really good!) When I see him smiling in my face all I can think "What are you so happy for asshole!?" I mean I really want an answer to what he thinks makes it ok for he to be like this to me. I want what is in his head that will cause him to love me or hurt me. I want to know true answers not bullshit ones anymore of how he can keep doing this. Not the same "I'm stupid" answer I get. I already know he is stupid. I want to know what really makes him think this is ok to do to someone. I want his reason to why I should stay. I want his answer to why because I don't understand anymore. I don't forgive him anymore. I have no reason to. I don't trust him. I don't believe him. And above all that I am not sure I want him anymore.(First time saying that too!) |
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5/6/2007
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I give up
I give up on the "right thing" if there is ever going to be such a thing in my life. I have tried do the best and be the best for everyone my whole life. Well at this point, I think the best thing to do is to let it out and just do and be who I am. Regardless if I make people happy or do what this group wants from me, I am still gonna come out on the bottom to the whole other group. So why should I even try anymore? I love him, but is that gonna be enough to hold us through all these hard times and all the stress of making it to the better parts of this relationship? I am not sure anymore. Yes, I have done more foul things in the last year than I even thought I was capable of myself. I hurt people. I schemed. I trusted the wrong ones. I believed the right ones let me down. I reated myself and everyone around me like it was all about the one when he never made it all about me. Do you know what hurts the worst through all of this? I believed in all of him. I believed he was wonderful and he was thinking of me like I was thinking of him. I believed I meant as much as he did. I was so fucking wrong. I never meant anything but a means to an end and God I hope he is almost at the end because I can't do it like this much longer. I can't hurt and cry and be left out to dry. I have to have some support some time too. I have to count to someone once in a while or I feel like I am invisible. I don't want to be see-through any more. I want someone to see me. I want someone to feel like I am here not just because I make enough noise but because I hurt that bad and they love me. Oh fuck it. Let me start again... |
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4/29/2007
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The best and worst
I think the best thing of being in a relationship you are unsure of is that on the good days it can be the absolute best but then the bad days come around and it is actually the worst days you will ever have in your life. In the last few months I have had more than my fair share of both of them. I think at this point in this, all I want is for the bad shit to go away and the good stuff to stay around for a little longer. But if that can't happen then I want it all to go away. I just need the stress heartache and tears to just stop the fastest way possible. It takes too much out of me to wonder if he is telling the truth, sneaking around, or just using me to do the things he isn't capable of doing on his own. I can not work up the energy at any given time to care. ANd then to have his bitch say to me I am dead... well I am the one that carries a gun so let's see who goes first. Please don't mess with the crazy white girl...she cannot be held responsible for the things that she does. |
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