6/30/2007
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And who is the adult?
| I don't want to be grown...so what did I do the other night? I go out
(in a gas station) and started spinning circles in the rain. IN THE
MIDDLE OF NASHVILLE NO LESS. But I am legal and wasn't drunk, so for
the first time all week I didn't have to worry about going to jail. I
just did what was strictly fun for me. And I loved every minute of it. So this morning when I get up I did the same thing in the middle of the living room. My girl's guy comes in from outside and see this. With the weirdest look on his face, he asks if I am ok. I am like "Sure. Don't you remember doing that as a kid?" My theory on it... You just forget all the fun things from being a kid or you feel embarassed to do them now because people will look at you funny. Why does that matter? I mean at this point in my life I want to be me. I don't care to worry about what others think of me... trust me, they are not paying my bills this month. They probably aren't gonna be paying them next month either. And if they are close enough to me that they might be, they know I am this crazy so they only see this as a normal thing for me. |
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6/30/2007
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I have to save myself?!
| The reality set in today when I realized that I was gonna have to save
myself. I have been waiting for the last few days for someone,
something somewhere to come and save my ass from the tears, sadness,
loneliness, and just outright depression I have been having and then it
smacked me in the forehead like a ton of bricks... I am the only one
who is for now and for the rest of my life gonna be the one to save me.
What do I do now? I am no good at saving me. Ask me to save the planet,
a friend, and animal...any thing am I will be right on it with a plan
and it might even be really good. But save myself.... BITCH PLEASE!!!!
All knowledge of how to do that goes right out the window and before I
have a chance to close the window, the panic comes in. How do I know
where to even begin and how in the fuck have people been saving
themselves for years without just throwing themselves off a bridge? I
know that is what I felt like doing as soon as I realized it was gonna
be all on me. BBBuuuuttttt.... instead of doing that I went to the house to bawl like the biggest baby in the world. I guess it made me feel a little better but I am still stuck in this whirlwind that is considered my life. It isn't gonna get better just by crying but it got out the pent up emotion that needed to be released so I don't feel like crying so much. Now I just want to write. I don't think at this point it even matters what I write about, just keeping my hands busy and my mind moving. Life gets easier once I get the junk out of my mind. It is like the whole thing gets foggy and then writing defrosts it and I can see think again. Some people run, some people fight, I write to keep the two inches of sanity that I have left. |
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6/30/2007
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Super mad
| I have wrote the same blog post three times in three different ways
becasue it keeps messing up. I hate that because it makes me mad and I
have the worst memory in the world. I don't like to repeat myself by
any means. I just wanna say what I wanna say and then it is outta my
head and I can move on to the next thing. Why does it have to be so
ducking (not a misprint, it's a joke) difficult? I am just a full of
bitching today, ain't I? Get over it...that's why I made this page. To
complain about me in my space and then smile at people when they need
me to. Gotta get it out and paying a therapist to do what I can do on
my own, that's a joke. I can blame my mother, tell me to keep a
journal, and give myself little chants to boost my self esteem without
the serious money forked out....thanks so much though. 'Preciate it,
for real!
|
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6/30/2007
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Dammit man
| It has been the longest week that I am not sure where to evern begin. I
am so broken but I (along with the people around me) are trying to put
this puzzle called me back together. We shall see how that turns out. I
am sure we are all hoping for the best. I know there is love. I know it
is even a good thing but I also know that it can be the biggest pain in
the ass. And that not being the biggest problem I shouldn't be bringing
it up, but it is the easiest to face and maybe even come to terms with
so I might as well use it first. I am so sick of the "I am sorry" and the "I love you" 's. It doesn't seem worth it at times. I think that the happiness would be easier to come to if I was just alone. But this is the first and only time in my life I have felt loved like this way and this is the most happiness that I have had for this long. It is just like rolling on a rollercoaster that you have no control of. I want the control. My hurt right now makes me wanna be stupid but I have more than me to think about and I know I won't for that fact alone. I know once the pain subsides that it won't even make sense to have even wanted to. It is just I wanna do something to make myself feel better and I am not sure what to do. Being bi-polar makes me feel like the lows will never get better and it would be better ended but then I tell myself that these things have happened before and they did get better. Glad to know my disease so I can work with it. I love the lows also because I know they make the highs worth it. People can't appreciate happy if they are never sad. If you know someone that is always happy, please do them a favor. Take them to the woods and off them for their own good, because they will never know the true happiness. My motto...repeat to yourself "I am loved, maybe not the way I need to be or think I should be always but love is love and it is needed." I will be super happy one day. |
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6/27/2007
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Wow whata day?!
| Two
court dates and a jail term all rolled into one day. It has been a wild
ride but I am super glad it is over with. Even had so much enjoyment in
jail that I did the white girl dance (ya know what that is, don't act
like ya don't.) Tonight gonna move on to something bigger and better
nad see what happens there. Thinking of making a trip to Nashville as a
reward to myself for all the work that I have done to save us in the
last 24 hours. Not sure yet. Really first things first. Taking a shower, calling my kids, getting some booty and a nap. We will figure out life after the essensials are taken care of. |
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