24 January 2009 - hmm?
I have had a very different night at Matt's place. It's so different I'm even having trouble remembering it because I feel like I have maybe made it up. So writing it down will be awkward, for my brain, kinda. No, we didn't have sex, or even kiss for that matter.
Lia knowing how I feel about him let me get dinner with him last night. Dinner and 2 movies at his place. And a few beers, I think I had 7 before I don't remember much. Matt drove me there so obviously couldn't drive me home, as I found out in the late hours of the night when he woke me up on his couch asking me if I wanted the bed. YES! - my mind screamed and yeah.. - is what came out. I practically collapsed onto his bed with him also drunk next to me and we spoke about the ending of the movie and how much I'd had to drink and which pillow I was getting, before he asked me to come over. So I did..
At first It was plain hugging, him on his back me on my side cuddling into him. But then he turned me over and put his arms around me, oh my god, getting spooned by him is amazing. I'm pretty sure I started to talk a whole heap of crap. From "please don't leave for sydney" to "didn't you miss me at all over the holidays" to "i like your hair long" and "i like how you feel" (uhhhh). We drifted in and out of sleep a lot, I was starting to wake up and I think this kept him awake but he didn't really complain.
There came a point where I started to stroke his arm that was around me and play with his fingers. At first i think he just took it as it came but then he took his arm away and started to run his hands up and down me. Now I was pretty stuck, I was half drunk still, tired and surprised so I didnt do much as he ran his hands up and down my back, my sides, my legs and even the inside of my shirt over my tummy. His fingertips barely touched me and even thinking about it now gives me the goosebumps. It was electrifying, I almost told him to stop it was that intense on my skin. The most I did, horrifyingly, was turn over and look at him as he continued to touch my tummy. And once reach out with my fingertips to touch his.
And that was the night. He stopped and cuddled me more and I woke up pracically moulded into him. Then his room got uncomfortably hot and we drifted apart. That was it, I had my one chance to try and make a move and instead I throw it away. What was I thinking? Seriously, I think I thought he was being plain friendly but I remember how his breathing got really ragged and his hate rate got faster, so why didn't I move in?? This morning wasn't weird but we didn't talk as much. I let out a "uh I feel gross" in the car and he sharply answered with a why. But I felt really hungover.
I wonder now if he thinks I wasn't interested, if he regrets what he did, if he hadn't meant anything by it and, most importantly, if it will ever happen again. Knowing my luck, no. but I am going to do what it takes for he to be in his bed with him again.
The smell of him and the feeling of being so close to him. The way I could play with his hair and it wasnt weird, how he suddenly wakes me up with a "hey" and "i think you should come back here" and how his hands were on me. I need it all. he is amazing. damnit, I hope it wasn't just alcohol that influenced last night. If it was, hey, give me some more. haha
Yeah i know he has a girlfriend, I don't really give a fuck.
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