2/7/2012 - "SILENT WHISPERS OF THE UNHEARD"
Once I gave you the signs
that not everything was fine.
The same still happen too many times.
More than once I tried to tell you
this has been more than just my 'nonsensical blues'.
Still, you didn't get a clue.
All those years, I felt like talking to a wall.
Every word I said bounced back like a ball.
When would you get that wake-up call?
So I drifted away,
pretending everything was okay.
What else could I say?
Now you want me to hear you out,
when I've already guessed what it's all about.
What?
It is time that you realized
there is only one way out of this:
Face the music.
Deal with it.
R.
2/7/2012 - THE NIGHTMARE
I don't know why I had that nightmare last night. The logical ones might tell me that must have come from exhaustion. I came home from work at sometime after nine last night.
Plus, I still have essays to correct and mark.:|
That dream was vivid. I was hanging out with T and friends, but only saw him and his best friend Githa. (Or maybe it was only them I hung out with in my dream. Maybe it was just a sign that I was missing them and worried about them at the same time.)
There were people around. Suddenly, there was this strange guy who came up to him and spat out the hateful word to his face:
"Faggot."
Then he walked out. I didn't know why. The guy's face was blurred, but I could still see that obvious look in his eyes. They were dark, full of pure, intense hatred.
I wanted to run after him, but T quickly grabbed me by the arm. His grip was warm but firm at the same time. I looked up at him and he smiled warmly at me, shaking his head slowly.
"Don't," he said softly. "It's just not worth it."
He reminded me of my dead college best friend Pumpkin a bit. Pumpkin had been like that too with his bullies in the past.:|
Then the scene changed abruptly, almost like in a movie. It was much darker now around us. Were we at the end of the day? I wasn't sure. All I saw was T sitting there in front of me, all banged-up, black and blue in the face. He had a black eye and bruised cheeks. He looked pretty distraught and battered. Githa was there too, treating his wounds in silence.
"Who did this to you?" I asked him, carefully touching his chin. He tried to look away, but I made him gaze back at me again. His beautiful dark eyes were gleaming as they looked down. I drew in a sharp breath. I felt a painful knot in my chest.
Oh, no. He's going to cry.:(
"Who was it?" I demanded, my voice rising. "Abang*, look at me. Who? You know it hurts me seeing you like this."
He was still unusually rigid and quiet. I turned my eyes to Githa. She refused to meet my gaze, but her expression gave a bit away. It was like, she knew something but just wouldn't tell me.
"Bang," I pleaded, looking back at T. He was already crying silently now. "Please, tell me who did this to you."
He shook his head. I started shaking his shoulders with growing impatience, fearing my anger would hurt him worse. Githa was still there too, watching but didn't do anything to stop me.
"Who did this?!" I was screaming now. "Who was it?! Tell me! Who did this to you?!"
He was still crying, but I couldn't stop. Then my mind began to realize that it was just a dream, knowing that I would never really want to do such thing to him in real life. I closed my eyes and silently begged:
I know it's a dream. I know it's just a dream. Wake me up. Oh, please. God, wake me up. I can't stand this anymore...
When I finally woke up in my room this morning, I felt myself growing cold all over. I was shaking. I stared at the mirror, and a tear-stained face was staring back at me.
Just a dream, I had to tell myself. It was just a dream. He's going to be just fine. Sssh...
R.
*Abang: 'big brother'.
2/7/2012 - YOURS TRULY, R.
Dear All,
Changes occur in the blink of an eye. Time flies in a speed of light. Before you know it, you find yourself pacing forward - or perhaps running, trying your best/hardest to keep up. Stay ahead...or get left behind. After all, 'dog-eat-dog' is still the norm here. Staying completely 'human' is the constant challenge.
I am writing for as long as I can, while I still have the time. Why? This has already been part of my life. It is what I always do, and enjoy doing.:)
For me, life is full of interesting stories to share. I see what is around me, and I write to remember each of it. Not always, but at least I try.:)
Enjoy reading, as usual.
yours truly,
R.
2/5/2012 - "LET ME KNOW"
Let me know when you're in town.
It's been a long time since you were around.
How have you been lately?
Are you happy?
Let me know when you're back in town.
I hope you don't show up with a frown.
You know it's been a while
since I last saw your lovely smile.
Worry not, for I am not that hard to find.
Send me a signal, give me a sign.
No need for you to be a tracker,
as long as you still have my number.
So let me know, once you are really in this town.
I hope no one's bringing you down
when all I ever want to do is cheer you up.
I don't mind doing that job!
2/5/2012 - "THE AUDIENCE"
You've been a silent observer,
sitting there at the corner.
Some may notice you there,
as others waltz by without a care.
Aren't you the lovely audience,
patiently waiting with your fixed glance?
There are times when your eyes are weary,
yet you remain alert completely.
Real life is the movie,
an endless drama for us to see.
Multiplots entangled,
controversy overload.
Are you still on your seat?
Are you already on your feet?
Have you picked a side,
or can't you even tell which one is right?
Confusing?
Wait, there's more to bring.
How do you know that you're still an audience?
What if the next scene is your possible chance to shine?
Are you ready?
Come on, every girl can be the leading lady.
Perhaps you are also the real thing
which will make this show more than interesting.
Still, you need to be careful.
The competition on stage can be tight and awful.
They can stay plastic, but you must remain true.
As far as I am concerned, that is the only thing you should do!
The Author/QB
2/2/2012 - "WHAT DO YOU KNOW?"
Do your eyes turn green
everytime I pass you by?
You only rely on what you've barely seen
as you keep on spreading lies.
Well, what do you know?
Should I feel honoured to be your favourite show?
Looks can deceive.
You can choose whatever you'd like to believe.
I don't get your envy
when all I do is just be me.
Well, what do you know?
Are you trying to make me feel low?
It's not my problem if you feel unhappy.
I'm not responsible for your pathetic negativity.
It's my life you've been poking.
Stop being so bloody mean.
Well, what do you know?
You think you always do,
but you never have a clue.
The Author/QB
2/2/2012 - WE'LL SEE...
There are two things I've been looking forward to in the near future:
1.Evanescence's concert:
Yes, that's right, ladies and gentlemen!:D Amy Lee and the boys are coming to my hometown to perform on February 25 in PRJ - Kemayoran, North Jakarta. I'm going there with my brother and his friends after work.
My brother said he was going to buy our tickets this Friday, so I gave him my money last night.
I don't know if M's going to go either. I remember that he attended Linkin Park's concert and Anggun's last year. I figured he loved concerts too.
I'd like to ask him about this one too, but I'm not pretty sure. I mean, M and I aren't that close. We've only met once that Thursday night at Shisha Cafe before T's departure to Aussie for holiday. I know that - technically - T and M are still an item.
Speaking of them, this leads to another thing I'm looking forward to in the near future:
2.T's return to Jakarta:
He's already put a notice on his FB wall. He's flying back here on February 9.:D YAY!
Out of the blue, we chatted online last night. Not much to say, but I got the impression that he's been dying to tell me something more important - but he asked me to wait until he was really here. Okay.*shrugs*
As usual, I only asked him to take it easy, take all the time he needed, and try not to get stressed-out. He thanked me for that.:)
Githa also called me last night. I know that things haven't gone that well between her and T lately. I hope the two of them can patch things up when T gets back. I mean, they've already known each other longer before I even entered the picture. It shouldn't be that hard to bring them back together like before, should it?
Where do we all go from here? What's next?
We'll see...
The Author/QB
2/1/2012 - "YOUR FAVOURITE SONGS"
(The Love Song Destroyer's Blues)
What is going on, my child?
There is something you have been trying to hide.
The songs you listen to are no longer the same.
You keep telling me it is nothing but a game.
What's been happening, my girl?
Where is the cheerful teenager?
You used to believe in those beautiful love songs.
Now you're telling me they all sound so wrong.
"Nothing," you always answer flatly.
It's just how you deal with reality.
You say we all grow up and apart.
Sometimes it's hard to avoid a broken heart.
So, what are your favourite songs today?
"Anything but love songs, please," you say.
"I need to stay awake,
just for my own sake!"
The Author/QB
2/1/2012 - THE GITE WEEK
I know, I know.:P I have practically 'disappeared' for a week from here. 'Mari' has been right all along. GITE had taken most of our free time last week. I had no other chance neither will to do anything else. My mind was completely on it.
A lot happened last week. I am not sure if I can recap all completely, but - as usual - I am going to try. All I know is that we have learned a lot in a week.
Tuesday was the very first day. I must say that I was pretty glad that 'Goddess M' herself was our trainer. She could help me more, since we work in the same branch school in Kuningan.
And indeed she has.:) She has already told me that I know where to find her when I need more help. (Personally, I think she has to apply for that AcTL position at work - because I believe she is really that good.)
Wednesday was a serious wake-up call for me. I think it is about time that I started taking up more foreign language lessons (or perhaps re-learning the ones I have already forgotten. Arabic or Spanish? Both?? Some more???)
What was very annoying last week was that I had had a seriously painful migraine for three days straight! No, I was not joking. One of the trainers there even suggested that I put my shades on the entire time, just in case the migraine might have come from my eyes being photosensitive.
Desperate to find a quick cure, I took that advice.:P So there was I, playing a bad parody of Stevie Wonder indoor - under the lights.
The GITE training ended on Saturday. It was also the day that I had finally signed my first one-year contract there as a part-time teacher.
After that, we hung out with 'Goddess M', another senior teacher named Oke, and Hetty the finance staff for a fun, karaoke night nearby.:D
The Author/QB
1/23/2012 - "NINE LIVES - ON JAN 22, 2012"
Close your eyes.
The sight is too much to bear.
Don't cover your ears.
You still need to hear.
Nobody says it's easy,
yet this is still reality.
You may wonder why
they all had to die.
It only took one night,
an intoxicated driver in a speeding car
to get this far -
sending nine lives out of sight...
http://www.thejakartapost.com/news/2012/01/23/car-crash-victim-s-father-wants-maximum-punishment.html
http://www.ketiksaja.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/7kBISMpZqZ.jpg
1/23/2012 - REAL GIRLS VS. (TACKY) DRAMA QUEENS...:P
First of all, Happy Chinese New Years to all of you who are celebrating it today.:D
So, this is also my last holiday before my GITE week. No problem.:) I'm still having fun anyway, eventhough I'm mostly all alone.:P I guess that's the advantage of being a freelance writer. You get used to solitude and know how to make a good use of it - so you don't feel (too) lonely. It's all good.:)
I chatted with my good friend Githa again last night. She asked me about 'our brother' T, and I told her I hadn't really spoken to him again yet. Neither had she. Of course, again we both hope that he'll be alright.
I think he is.:) At least that's the impression I get from his pics on FB.
Speaking of FB, we were also laughing at our colleague Novel's FB status last night.xD*big evil grin* That childish girl complained about getting rejected online after she tried adding a few strangers to her list, only because they didn't know her and didn't want her to. Well, what can I say?:P Deal with it. That's just how (real) life is. What a dork!*rolls eyes and sneers* I mean, that girl should know that she's not all that.
*deep sigh*
Okay, sorry if I sound like a total bitch about her.:| I know how she's treated Githa and she has also insulted me once. Back when I was still at Panglima Polim, I once heard her complain about lack of money at the end of the month. In the name of empathy, I told her: "Yeah, I know the feeling." (I mean, that was what normally happened to everybody there.:P Come to think of it, why the fuss anyway?)
Do you know what she did after that? She stared at me with her "What-the-hell-do-you-know-about-it?" attitude and sort of retorted:
"But you're still living with your parents."
I was taken aback at that. Whoa! So that's what you'd get for trying to be empathic. I mean, what's wrong with that? What's with the superiority bullshit about living on your own? Everyone has their reasons.
I just stared back at her and she sensed my annoyance. She squirmed uncomfortably.
"Uh, did I just insult you?"
"No," I replied calmy...and rather flatly too. Then I gave her the bomb: "My dad has a stroke."
She went pale with shock. Then a flush of redness swarmed over her cheeks with embarrassment.
"Oh, my God," she breathed. "I didn't know that. I'm so sorry."
Sure, sure.*rolls eyes* I know she wasn't being sincere about it, but I just let that slide. Not long after that, I only told Githa not to mind her so much. She's just a silly cow, often opening her big mouth without thinking first. Like the time she posted such a horrid FB status that says: "You can't be best friends without insulting each other.:)"
Ha-ha.*sneers* After that, I won't be too surprised if her friends might gradually disappear (unless those who share her sick idea of 'friendship'.)
That's why I believe Githa's stories about her being such a bitch to her, making fun of her looks and acting like she's much better - like, prettier and richer - than Githa. Ha! She has no idea what Githa has been through in her life, yet she never shows any sign of weakness or pathetic attempt at seeking for sympathy. It was hard for her, and I admire her courage and endurance. She speaks three languages (Indonesian, English, and Dutch) and never even bothers to show off or brag about it.
If T prefers hanging out with Githa a lot more than those other girls, then I'm not too surprised. (Dewi is out of the question, because she's already married and also the most mature and graceful among us.:D) And I also know that those girls can't stand me either, even before Githa told me that.
*sighs* Oh, well. Seriously, those girls need to grow up. (Except Githa and Dewi.) I mean, there are so many, more important stuff than just movies, fashion, boyfriends...
Ugh.
The Author/QB
1/22/2012 - "YOUR VERSION OF 'NORMAL' "
Can I be your version of 'normal'?
Sorry that you don't see me as a regular girl.
The kind that fits your requirements,
or the type that meets your expectations.
Should I be your version of 'normal',
or why don't you just let me be me?
I know I'm not your ideal of a 'typical beauty',
or what you think a 'real woman' should be.
Do I have to be your version of 'normal'?
Does that even sound 'reasonable'?
You wish for me to be somebody else,
just to put your insecurity to rest.
Wait, why should I?
Why the hell would I?
I'm not sorry for being me.
Too bad that doesn't make you happy.
It's a shame.
You refuse to accept me for who I am,
yet you insist that I should understand
that a man like you cannot be changed.
Can I be your version of 'normal'?
Well, even if I could, that would be terrible.
I'm not trading my sanity
only to get you to like me.
Oh, what a horrid idea!
My answer to your demands is:'NO!'
Now it's time for you to go.
The Author/QB
1/19/2012 - "BLOOD-THIRST BUREAUCRATS"
Oh, you blood-thirst bureaucrats,
real-life vampires and rats,
looking like human but with no hearts.
Has your conscience been torn apart?
What are you doing in your well-polished castle,
while we're fighting our daily battles?
All you keep doing is take away what we earn,
while you're leaving us to burn.
Tell me, how important is for you to remain picture-perfect,
while we've been too aware of the fact
that you choose to ignore what we need,
as you keep giving into your greed?
You think you always have the power.
Too bad that doesn't make you any greater.
You think you can always step on us,
like a giant feet on a pile of dust.
So, blood-thirst bureaucrats,
have we successfully quenched your thirst?
Are you still demanding for more from us to drop?
Oh, will you ever really stop?
I think I'm wasting my time with this poem.
You're still playing the same, old game.
It's just a matter of time before your castle is in ruins.
That will be the day that we win!
The Author/QB
1/18/2012 - "THIS TWILIGHT ZONE"
Welcome to this twilight zone.
It's where you are left alone.
It's where looks can deceive
that you wonder which one to believe.
You can't just believe in everything you hear,
even when they sound crystal-clear.
And what do you smell?
Be careful, they might make you feel unwell.
How about a touch?
Will that be way too much?
Please, watch out when you have a taste.
If it's awful, you might fall all over the place.
So, are you ready?
How brave can you be?
There's no guarantee
that you'll walk away for free.
So, welcome to this twilight zone.
It's where you're mostly left alone.
Among the crowd, you have to survive on your own,
even if this place looks like home!
The Author/QB
1/18/2012 - THESE ORDINARY DAYS...
Katy Perry's performing here in Jakarta on January 19. That means tomorrow night. However, I'm not going because I'm not interested.:P It's that simple.
But if Jessie J. comes, I will.:D If Hoobastank comes again, I don't care that I've already watched them three times. I love them so much that I want to do that all over again!:D
Right. For March 19, there'll be Evanescence coming to perform here. YAY!:D I know that I haven't bought the ticket yet, but I really, really want to go there. I'll also be going with my brother and his friends.
I'm still waiting for my phone interview with one of the GITE instructors from Fatmawati. They'll be calling me sometime this week.
Hmm, what else?
I've been catching up with lots and lots of reading and writing lately. Wait, that's what I only do these days.:P I don't even go out that much anymore.
I've just finished another horror story I'm going to send to the magazine soon, and now I'm eager to write some more. I guess it's been a long time since I last did that.
Or, I could say, these days are perfect for me to escape my mind into a 'fiction land' for a while. Hehe.:P
And there'll be more to come, I'm sure.:)
The Author/QB
1/17/2012 - "PRIMADONNA COMPLEX 5"
I am glad.
I'm not one of those lads
captured and swayed all too damn easily
by your picture-perfect beauty.
No, this is not a plain Jane's envy,
or whatever the hell you might think of me.
My silence is not a sign of my weakness.
It's just that I couldn't care less.
So, what are you going to do now,
besides acting like a silly cow?
To me, you're just a joke,
'the flavour of the week' for the tacky blokes.
You think you're cool.
Oh, you're such a pathetic fool.
I know I haven't got much to offer,
but what makes you think that you're always better?
So, go ahead.
Keep treating other people bad.
As much as I'm concerned,
someday soon - you're going to burn.
I know I'm always more than alright,
once you're out of my sight.
But if you choose to stay around,
I won't let you push me to the ground.
Still got something to say?
Well, I'd rather be away.
Thank you so much for your corny show,
now take a bow and go.
The Author/QB
1/17/2012 - SHORT WEEKEND STUFF...
Well, it's one week before my GITE training on the 24th. I don't know if I'm really looking forward to it, but that sounds interesting. I've never really been to their Fatmawati branch school, so that will definitely be my new experience as well.:)
I guess I've pretty much impressed 'Goddess M' last Friday.:) How so? I showed up at work despite no teaching schedules. I was only there for their internal workshop "Speaking Test For Young Learners" at 3:00 pm and stayed there for an hour. It was no big deal.*shrugs*
Besides, it was helpful. The presenter - Samuel - is quite a dead-ringer of Ryan Gosling.:P Hehe, no kidding. He's from the Fatmawati branch school as well, so I'm kind of hoping that I will get to see him again during my GITE week.*big evil grin* That will be the day!
Last Saturday, I hung out with Githa after work. I was very lucky that my friend Rafiq offered John and me a ride. He dropped me off near Plaza Senayan and I bid farewell to the lads.
I hope Githa and T will be okay. I know that he got a bit defensive when she told him that she hoped M was treating him right. It was just a slight misunderstanding, right? I shouldn't be too worried about them, eventhough I care.
The Author/QB
1/15/2012 - "UNTIL THEN..."
Have no worries nor fears, my dear.
I am sure it is pretty clear.
He knows we care.
He knows we'll always be there.
I am thinking about him too,
but for now - there isn't much that we can do.
He still needs his time away.
Let's keep praying that he's going to be okay.
Love is the greatest thing on earth,
yet there are times when it's better not to say a word.
It's alright to feel protective.
For him, that's also what I'd like to give.
I believe he's strong enough to survive.
He'll do whatever it takes to stay alive.
Soon, we'll meet him again,
our dearest friend.
The Author/QB
1/15/2012 - "THE RAGE WITHIN 2"
Let it go, they'd say.
Nothing is forever yours anyway.
You've worked your hardest for it.
Still, you could lose what you've earned.
So, what are you going to do now?
Nothing.
Let God take care of everything.
Let the bad suffer,
sooner or later,
while you gain something better...
The Author/QB
1/10/2012 - "HOW ARE YOU?"
Are you there?
She's been wondering if you're okay,
although she understands that you need to be away.
You deserve the break for as long as you may.
How are you?
I've been wondering about that too.
Well, I'm sure that's nothing new.
Even when my silence doesn't show what's actually true.
Are you happy?
We're hoping that you are,
although we're far apart.
We're praying that nobody will ever break your heart.
I choose not to ask too much,
but make sure we'll stay in touch.
You know where I'll be.
You know where to reach for me.
So, are you still there?
I hope you are, and know that we care.
The Author/QB
