7 December 2008 - psshhyeah
Uhhh upstairs is so annoying. Fuck. I hung out with him last night which was alright, he got the new guitar hero (and it is fucking awesome), so we played that and watched a movie after. And it was alright, it was fun etc etc. Then he started to analyse my laughs. He said I had a laugh for when I thought something was funny, when I laughed to be polite and when I laughed to fit in. I just got really annoyed. And I think he sensed it because he got up 2 seconds later and said he was tired. Like I get it, that he has that whole "I dont care what you say, I'll speak my mind" bullshit, but it just makes me think he doesn't care for me at all. Which makes me sad not becaue I kind of like him but because you are supposed to care about your friends, and aren't I his friend? I dont know. I felt like he was paying me out and saying that I was basically pathetic for having laughs for things other than when things are funny. .....hahaha
I leave in 6 days. Maybe it is time for me to get over him. I cant fucking like this dude anymore. I don't think it is really that healthy. Yeah?
I have to leave for work in 15 mins. I never ended up telling my manager I was going away for xmas. Just wrote it on the calendar. I guess I'll find out if I still have my job when I get back... Absolutley hate it so much and the really hot dude quit recently so yeah, nothing left for me to look at anymore.... :)
My exm yesterday went alright. I fugured out that I only needed 21% to pass the subject so I'm not too worried. Am sightly hoping for more than a pass though so fingers crossed..
Nextdoor had mates over last night... One of them is so good looking and the biggest manwhore out. The other is this ganster dude who reps chris brown like you wouldn't imagine. And the other is an argentinian wo wears short shorts and tight shirts and has kinda long hair. They are all really nice and funny and I will probably miss them when nextdoor moves out next semester... Oh so much is changing and I'm not liking it. >:(
Okay time to leave.
6 December 2008 - Phew
Haven't written in awhile due mainly to the fact that my apple mac charger broke. I am yet to pay off the one I won on ebay. Fuck it.
I am in my final days of my last semester. I finish on the 13th, the day I leave for my trip to Bali. I have an exam tomorrow at 11 and am, as usual cramming away.... Uni is going fabulously. I am doing pretty good in my subjects (although I failed spanish because I didn't go to my final exam. long story).
I have been hanging out with upstairs a fair bit. I dont even understand why I like him, really. I just do. Really think nothing will ever happen between us but hey, who said liking someone wasn't fun...I see him everyday, it's fucking awesome. Next door is asleep in his bed near me, I was studying in his room. He says he loves me and wants me back, but further inspection of his mobile (hahahaha.old habits die hard) proved that he is getting his "g-up". I think that's what him and his mates call it anyway. SO YEAH, it is a strange and odd feeling seeing someone who is that close to you move on. Almost like a helpless feeling. Almost like when you see someone spill something, you can see it happen and maybe even saw it coming but can seldom do anything about it. Weird.
2 dudes are kinda into me at the moment. My ex, mr diplomat and one of my highschool friends, mr band. Mr diplomat and I dated in year 11 and I broke his heart over the phone after two months. Very nice guy. But is kind of boring..I love history and so does he, but I can harly date someone because I can have a discussion with them about what the americans did wrong in Vietnam. Plus, he never tried once to make a move on me. The most he tried was to hold my hand. But anyway, I ended it with him and he hated me for at least a year. But since my new singleness he has come back again. Recently told me that "my love for you is infinite" and "you take my breath away". Awesome.
Mr Band is a guy in my history class at school who was in the school band. Does heaps of pot and straightens his hair he never really talked to me at school. But he is now somehow friends with upstairs who mustve said something nice about me because everyday mr band asks to come over and hang out. Stange.
I'm not really interested in any of them so yeah.
dramadramadrama. or not.
26 November 2008 - wednesday
Or really early wednesday.
It is 2am. I've been at the hospital all day. He woke up after and it went good. I'm going back tomorrow after he gets taken out of intensive care. He looked so sick... I got really frightened and felt really faint and like I needed to throw up, I don't like hospitals..
I have my oral spanish exam tomorrow and am even considering just going in and telling her straight up that I can't speak it and she shouldn't waste her time. I didn't get to study at all today and can't now because I'm writing another e-report.. It's due at 9..
Right now I don't really care about my grades though. I'm way too stressed out. I didn't cry the whole time I was there, I needed to be strong for my sister. But I got home n broke down in my kitchen. Next door came over to cuddle me as I sobbed. I want him to get better...
I can't even think. I've taken those caffeine pills to keep me awake. They keep me awake but i swear my brain is asleep anyway.
Stupid.
25 November 2008 - monday today
So today I had planned to wake at 7, but woke at 5 because a mass evacuation was taking place outside. Well that’s what I thought when I woke up in shock. It was that person on a megaphone, megaphoning to swimmers in the university pool across the lake. Not happy. So I went back to bed and woke up at nine (gulp, my exam was at 12). I studied hard but am certain that I have failed Spanish1; it’s calming knowing your fate.
I hung out with upstairs for awhile after class. He played poker as I sat on his lounge eating 2 minutes noodles. He was still looking upset and I lay hugging him in his bed after to try and make him feel better. Nothing even really suss. It’s just strange because he is always alright. How is it when strong people get down... He’s moving out next semester. To only about 5 minutes away but I won’t pretend that I’m happy with it. I’m going to miss him. ☹
Took next door and his best mate to schoolies. Yes, they are toolying. And yes it is sad. I’m getting used to him talking about him “smashing” other people though. I’m getting there. I mean, shit, Lady, you can’t have everything.
Tomorrow is the operation. I’m so scared.
24 November 2008 - hecticism
Just had a mini deep and meeningful with upstairs (current interest). He started telling me about how he doesn't know if he's happy with his life and his current situation with his gf. As much as I am "interested" I didn't let my feelings bias what I said tto him, I was good. Then we started talking about death and what to do if my brother in law doesn't make it. It made me sad. He started talking about people he knew who had died and I almost cried a few times.
It was good to just be serious with someone about just things. Things that don't invlove whether I will pass exams, what is actually going on with the global financial crisis and pretending to understand current politics. It was just good normal stuff.
I'd never really had a serious convo with him and he said so when I saw him tonight "are you ever serious". He wasn't being mean or anything but sort of trying to state a fact because we joke about everything.
I really want him to feel better he looks like he has a few things on his mind.
Then my ex boyfriend (who lives next door to me) rings me to ask if I can pick him and his friends up. We are friends now (even if it is very awkards at times, only because he is still into me) but I don't think I'm going to start taxiing just yet. I'm sure he is interested in someone at the moment. Which is weird for me, because I don't actually want him, but I don't exactly want anyone else to have him either. It is weird and very human of me. By human i mean annoying.
I'm so tired. I have to wake up in 5 hours to start my 5 hours of spanish study. Right now I couldn't give a fuck if I failed. Everything is wayyyy too hectic.
So:
- upstairs is feeling down
- ex boyfriend is moving on
- I will fail spanish
- I still don't actually understand the global financial crisis
- and my brother is having major surgery and I'm trying to block it out. Which may be a bad thing.
24 November 2008 - no
They are operating on him on tuesday.
I'm afraid. If he doesn't make it, what do I do?
My sister has been with him for 11 years and I've known him for just as long.
What do I do? I love him like my own brother and it is eating me up inside.
Ansd my exam week starts next week, it's so fucked.
I want hm to make it with everything in me. I would give up anything, including my own health to make sure that he makes it.
I want them both to be happy. What do I do?
I want to change it and make it ok. I want it to be okay more than anything.
I feel helpless and useless. Like it's all moving so fast. i feel like you do when you're stopped at the red arrow lights and the people to your left are speeding past. I feel rooted to the ground but everything is advancing forward and i want them to slow down, stop at the light with me and take it all in. Just settle for a bit. It's not fair. It's not fair. I want the light to turn orange to stop everyone. How do I make the light turn orange??
22 November 2008 - feeling
I know I should stop feeling. What with me fresh out of a relationship. But I can't help it.
I don't know if it because I am rebounding, or if it is because he is the only real man in my life right now, or if it is real feelings. He is taken and somewhat of a real taken. A "I've been in a relationshop for 3 years" kind of taken. True she lives in a different state and I see him everyday, but it is highly unlikely that anything would happen. Between him and her I mean, not him and I (that is out of the question, he wouldn't touch me even if he had to). I won't just give up the friendship I have with him, because it is a good one. But maybe it is just not healthy for me. The holiday will be good I think. Or maybe just really bad. It's not as if I would ever do anything, it is just so fucking annoying. Feelings are annoying. Grr.
22 November 2008 - am I
I got treated like an illegal immigrant at the post office the other day. I'm renewing my Australian passport and I have to do this at the post office. Now, I'm half asian. English is my first language and I speak it better than most of my friends who are "real Australians". It annoys me so much when I get told that I'm not "real" because the colour of skin is slightly more tanned, my hair is dark and I have dark eyes. If it weren't for my physical appearance I would just be like everyone else.
So anyway, I walk in and the woman behind the counter talks to me slowly as if I wouldn't be able to understand her. She tells me that my Japanese birth certificate isn't real and look like photocopies of the original document. They aren't photocopies, they have been stamped all over the place. Over the staples, on the back of the paper; everywhere. I ask her why she can't use my Australian citizenship certificate and she shakes her head. She rings up some head office with a "I have a young lady here trying to get a passport". I have had a passport all my life. She got told to use my citizenship certificate.
Will someone explain to me how this is not my country because I am half of another. Why am I more one half? Why can I not belong to both?
Not saying I don't claim my asian background. I love having a cultural background and perhaps it is impossible for me to ask for others to accept it. I graduated highschool with an A in english and I remember friends being annoyed with because I was "asian" yet I got a better grade. I am half. I am both from here and there. The way I am is due to me belonging to both places. I am not predominantly from one. Does the colour of my skin make me not good enough to belong to this place? Does that make me want to belong to this place?
21 November 2008 - carbon copy
I’m eating another neatly made sandwich while sitting at a neatly aligned table. The table is white and hard and artistic. Or what young people look at and deem as artistic. As something you would want to buy to put next to your artistic chair to further claim artisticness. Do I even like the chair? No. It’s somewhat uncomfortable and the legs are spindly and look as if they couldn’t support me if I decided to cross my legs; which I do a lot. There are a few artistic claiming people near by me with berets and sunglasses. I think they look ridiculous. They are drinking coffee and coffee is ridiculous.
I don’t know why I am so over it. Everything feels synthetic and artificial. Oh, it is not just an opinion I feel purely about my surrounding universe, no. That smile I gave to the lady who served me my water; fake. This water I’m drinking; fake. I didn’t come from a Switzerland-like place filled with blonde happy girls. My attitude towards life itself; fake.
Tell me why to try when everything is predominantly an extravagant and twisted version of plastic. Nobody cares, nobody feels, nobody is real. The clothes I choose to wear aren’t me. The clothes you choose to wear aren’t you. We simply and quite frankly do what we think ought to be done. It doesn’t even have to be a bad thing, it just is.
I will go through life trying to succeed and achieve and reach “that goal”. When actually, I have no goal. Wanting a high profile job with cold hard cash, that isn’t a goal. Oh, but you know that don’t you? Your goals are much more new-age and intangible. But are you working towards that goal? Is anyone? I don’t think so. So we can call that our fake goal. Our goal we have because it is just that. Don’t get me wrong, I dream of reaching that goal. But I close my eyes and I dream at night and wake up in the morning and try to accomplish “real” goals.
I don’t know. I don’t really care, remember?
20 November 2008 - settle down?
Fully just realised what a drop kick I've been with all my super depressing "me, me, me" posts.
haha my life is actually pretty awesome and I'm really happy with it.
I probably haven't been this happy in a long time. Sure, I don't get to see my family, but I'm at a good place right now.
Almost like im living in the different colours of a rainbow and I'm just experiencing every colour at a time. And it's awesome, and it's great. But sometimes the colours aren't my favourite ones. And sometimes I'm doing those "why is everything yellow" things. And I get sick of it until I moved onto the next colour. So yes, I'm moving through my colours in my rainbow and it's good.
:)
20 November 2008 - the king's breakfast
The King asked
The Queen, and
The Queen asked
The Dairymaid:
"Could we have some butter for
The Royal slice of bread?"
The Queen asked the Dairymaid,
The Dairymaid
Said, "Certainly,
I'll go and tell the cow
Now
Before she goes to bed."
The Dairymaid
She curtsied,
And went and told the Alderney:
"Don't forget the butter for
The Royal slice of bread."
The Alderney said sleepily:
"You'd better tell
His Majesty
That many people nowadays
Like marmalade
Instead."
The Dairymaid
Said "Fancy!"
And went to
Her Majesty.
She curtsied to the Queen, and
She turned a little red:
"Excuse me,
Your Majesty,
For taking of
The liberty,
But marmalade is tasty, if
It's very
Thickly
Spread."
The Queen said
"Oh!"
And went to his Majesty:
"Talking of the butter for
The royal slice of bread,
Many people
Think that
Marmalade
Is nicer.
Would you like to try a little
Marmalade
Instead?"
The King said,
"Bother!"
And then he said,
"Oh, deary me!"
The King sobbed, "Oh, deary me!"
And went back to bed.
"Nobody,"
He whimpered,
"Could call me
A fussy man;
I only want
A little bit
Of butter for
My bread!"
The Queen said,
"There, there!"
And went to
The Dairymaid.
The Dairymaid
Said, "There, there!"
And went to the shed.
The cow said,
"There, there!
I didn't really
Mean it;
Here's milk for his porringer
And butter for his bread."
The queen took the butter
And brought it to
His Majesty.
The King said
"Butter, eh?"
And bounced out of bed.
"Nobody," he said,
As he kissed her
Tenderly,
"Nobody," he said,
As he slid down
The banisters,
"Nobody,
My darling,
Could call me
A fussy man -
BUT
I do like a little bit of butter to my bread!"
That's one of my favourite poems ever.
It was from a book my grandmother gave my dad when he turned 5.
It wa by A.A Milne, creator of pooh bear; my dad used to be obsessed with him as a kid.
So naturally when I was younger he used to read me his poems.
The book was so old and the cover was weird; like a clothy kind of hessian fabric thing.
I still have the books somewhere.
I miss my Dad :(
19 November 2008 - not an entirely good day
I seem to be getting a few of these lately.
It's so close to the end of the semester now that all the work I should've done ages ago has now caught up on me and I'm stressing. This is the point where I start getting snappy. Where I don't want to hang out with you and I cry a lot. Where I get really annoyed when my room looks half messy because it "distracts me". This is where I have around 3 hours of sleep per night. This is where all the dusty textbooks get read (or half read). Where I live off no-doze, v and chips. Where i scream into the lake from my balcony. This is the end of the semester.
What is due in the next 2 weeks?
- 2 more ereports to write on the digital divide and the digital community
- a 6000 word report on the retention strategy for a pet shop
- a survey to be handed out to 100 study abroad students and a 3000 word report
- a 15 and a 30 minute presentation
- 4 finals
plus i still have to work my job :(
(it mightn't look bad but it actually is when you procrastinate like I do)
I have to go study for my market research final which is tomorrow. This class has one of the highest failure rates at uni...which is really daunting and not motivating at all...
It hasn't stopped raining. Oh, I love the rain. But now my hair just gets sticky and I smell damp. >:(
Stop complaining, Lady, no one cares.
ps: I don't usually moan this much about anything, but it's just that time of the semester.
19 November 2008 - swamped
I have way too much uni work to do.
It's 12:20am and I have yet to start my report for my digital media class. The topic?
"How could rich media represent risks to people who rely on them for a wide range of communications?". It doesn't seem too hectic and I've gotten and 9 and a 10 for my last reports so I'm not too worried. But tomorrow I have a group meeting and have to complete my tasks for that AND I'm pitching my case to my spanish teacher. My missing of a few classes will not have impressed her so I've got to convince her I can make it. Meaning...I have to study for spanish incase she decides to do a random spanish quiz on me. sigh. This semester i kind of let everything go a little too late. I finish in 3 weeks and only have 2 final exams. Oh wait, I have a final exam this thursday (market research and analysis; not cool) and REALLY need to study for it. I keep forgetting it's this week :(:(:(
This is my complaining post. Everyone just needs to deal with it.
17 November 2008 - wait a second...
I find "about me's" very confronting and distressing to write. For one, am i writing this because this is what i think i am or because this is what i want people to think I am?
I drink tea, beer and margaritas. I don't club because I find dancing for 6 hours annoying and would prefer to get drunk sitting down and with people I like.
I'm at a constant battle with my weight. Imagine my dieting as the Vietnam War. I am America trying to win the war with unsuitable tactics that I think are working. And my body is the Viet Cong, silently atttacking me and when I stand on the scales, BAM, it's like I've stood on a booby trap and I've actually gained 1kg. Thanks.
I love to read but gave it up when I started uni. I didn't really give it up but I don't read my textbooks nearly as often as I should. So when I pick up a "normal" book, this guilty voice creeps into my head telling me I'm wasting valuable textbook reading time so I stop. It's not as if I end up reading my texts, I just go on msn instead.
19 years young and a uni student studying marketing and media. Do I like marketing? No I fucking hate it. Media is my passion. Well journalism is, but I decided to go for a more "economically feasible" option.
I know that one day I will win the lotto. And you know what I'm going to do with it? Make an elephant conservation area like those people on 60 minutes did.
I don't even know why I had to explain myself to anyone. I'm just like everyone.
"That is the hardest thing of all. It is much harder to judge yourself than to judge others. If you succeed in judging yourself, it's because you're truly a wise man."
I might be there one day.
17 November 2008 - Unavailable men
Fall into numerous categories.
They may be best friends because it would be weird after the sexyness of it wore off.
Ex boyfriends because as much as you want it to be the way it used to be, it won't be.
Taken friends just because. And although you wish and even dream (yeah, it's sad) that he would leave her for you, he never will.
Note that categories may elapse over each other, only adding to the complicatedness of the situation...
Fuck, I can't leave out the god men. The so extremely good looking men who you would give an arm (it WOULD still look sexy) to just have them ask you for the time.
All frustrating, all heart breaking, all unavailable
16 November 2008 - beering
I work as a checkout chick.
A person who packs your groceries and smiles and asks how you are today in the most genuine tone.
That tone is fake and I put it on because there is a sign on the women's bathroom door telling us to.
It says that I must wear presentable clothes and smile and a whole lot of other things that Jane Austen would be proud of. If I do so because the bright orange sign tells me to, tells me I must or my service manager may confront me, doesn't that just make me a pathetic and fake pleb of a multinational corporation? Doesn't that turn you off my question? I think I'd rather someone not ask me how my day was instead of asking me how my day was because a bright orange sign with the words "service expectations" tells them to while they are taking a pee.
I've had a few beers. I watched the lord of the rings and that movie tires me so much. I noticed that the sexy Legolas' hair never gets messy, bless those elves. Also, Frodo looks so young and who on earth would come up with the name Frodo anyway. Everything in the book has such mystical, magical and unique names, but JRR Tolkien called the mountain Mt.Doom. Very original.
Sleepy time?
15 November 2008 - intro to me
I'm slipping across the universe.
And nothing is going to change my world.
As an avid Beatles fan and recently turned loner I decided that the rest of my life's soundtrack will consist of only Beatles songs. Maybe. I might pop in a few Animals or Who songs to mix things up a bit. I remember growing up my dad would make me listen to songs he listened to when he was younger. Because I looked up to him and wanted to like what he liked, I'd listen and say I liked a few songs. Today I actually do.
I've been in a relationship for the past 1.5 years for the end of highschool and the start of uni. Being single sucks. I feel like a socially disabled person. What happens in the "real world" as a single person? Ok there's a global financial crisis happening but how will I cope with that if I can't cope with me?
On a lighter note, I decided that spanish sucks and I'm not going to class tomorrow. Maybe ever. I'll come up with an excuse soon enough. She can beat it.
Phew, that was a little hectic.
Done.
<- Last Page :: Next Page ->
