I have dreams about waves.
I mean really big waves.
They're nightmares really.
I can't outswim them and the crash is inevitable.

The only way to go is under.

Preach to me baby

to my dark heart of coal.

It'll take more than a bible verse

to save your soul.

If my beauty's in my being

and my being's on the floor

crushed by the elephant in the room

now you're running toward the door

I know it's early to be thinking about this but i wanted to make a list and maybe i'll write it down and keep it for when i'm older.

Steps to having a good Relationship with my Future Daughter:

1. Tell her secrets

2. Start off being her friend early in life

3. Paint with her

4.Sing with her

5.Get her used to the fact that you're crazy.

6. Expect her to try drugs. But teach her responsibility and tell her to be safe.

7. Don't tell her, show her things. [For example, don't tell her not to drink and drive, show her what happens when you drink and drive. Bring her to a funeral.]

8.Give her your diary when she is old enough to read it

9. Tell her she's beautiful.

10. LISTEN to her.

11. Try to relate. Just try.

13. Share with her and let her share with you.

14. Don't smother her, just help her to experience life.

Names:

Scarlette

Belle

Sophie

Adriana

Juliet (gah, reminds me of annoying freshman though. but ilove the name)

What obsolete skill are you?

You are 'French'. In the nineteenth century, it was the international language of diplomacy. It is a 'beautiful' language, meaning that it is really just a low-fidelity copy of Latin.You know the importance of communicating 'diplomatically', which for you means both being polite and friendly when necessary and using sophisticated, vicious sarcasm when appropriate. Your life is guided by either existentialism or nihilism, depending on the weather. You have a certain appreciation for the finer things in life, which is a diplomatic way of saying that you are a disgusting hedonist. Your problem is that French has been obsolete for a long time.
Take this quiz!

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McClain: You adopted a manatee... and and and a star. and you get to name both of them.

             :Wow, i mean those are two of my favorite things ever.

What's your favorite animal color?

Gabe: Animal color?

Oh wait, that's animal slash color.

Dude. Baby Jesus.

The shartist formally known as Gabe.

BALL HAWK.

"It's the only color that's ever been my favorite besides my current favorite color"

Sometimes I think he loves me.

I'm not saying I'm going to fool myself.  But it's nice to feel loved.

some quotes:

"Each time I told my story, I lost a bit, the smallest drop of pain. It was that day that I knew I wanted to tell the story of my family.  Because horror on Earth is real and it is every day.  It is like a flower or like the sun; it cannot by contained." - The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold 

~ "The road to hell is paved with good intentions" - A Wrinkle In Time by Madeleine L'Engle

"Don't expect me to make an omlette without breaking eggs." - What's Bred in the Bone by Robertson Davies

~ "A father's suspicion....is as powerful as a mother's intuition." - The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold

~ "Take action only after calculating the worst possible outcome of each choice available." - The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold

~ "Part of what I loved about photography was the power it gave me over the people on the other side of the camera, even my own parents." - The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold

~ "Booze affects material as it does people." - The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold

* "You're not perfect sport, and let me save you the suspense, this girl you met, she isn't perfect either. But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other." - Good Will Hunting

* "We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion.And medicine, law, business, engineering - these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love - these are what we stay alive for." - Dead Poet's Society

* "The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you." - The Notebook

Tonight I heard Colin Powell talk. I really was impressed. He seemed to have a positive outlook on America and the world despite all the terrible things that are going on. He made me see everything in a different light. Yes, our government has made some bad decisions, but we're not a bad country.Every says the world hates the U.S., but deep down we are still a trusted country. He told a story about a dispute between Moscow and Spain, and how King Muhammad III trusted him to write and sign a contract for the two countries. Those two countries trusted the U.S. (because Colin Powell was representing our country) to solve problems and get things done.We're obviously not perfect.  But we're not going to shit like everyone says we are. Until tonight I had thought that too, but listening to him speak made me look at the big picture.  He said something along the lines of... -We're the United States of America. The terrorists blow up a building, yeah we're going to go after them.  They kill our citizens, we go after them.  But they can't change what kind of people we are. Only we can do that. So in the end, they will lose. I have no doubt.-.  I wish I taped that whole speech, because It was just amazing. There's no way I could convey it to anyone afterwards and give them the full effect.  He was funny, but the way he spoke, or maybe just the way he carried himself, made us take ever word seriously.  I loved his personal little stories and anecdotes.They made the speech not only entertaining but personal.  How does he do it? How does he relate to a huge audience filling this theater on such a personal level   I think this man is truely one of the greatest public speakers I've ever seen. But then again, Stalin was a great public speaker. That always makes me nervous.  I'll write more about this tomorrow.

<3 Me

"General, General, You're going to have to find yourself a new enemy."

Deprived of Victim, Mom and Dad holler at each other. I turn up my music to drown out the noise.

Speak.

He should be doing everything in his power not to fuck this up.

I shouldn't have to make him

He's the lucky one. I can do better. I don't need him. I'm too good for him. I don't deserve this. He doesn't deserve me. I deserve better.

It's not about getting as many people as possible. It's about finding the right people and making the most of the time you have left.

It's making the most of the time you have left with the people you care about. Not hurting them.

More isn't neccesarily better.

I hate this mass production mind set. It's quality, not quantity.

And if it doesn't mean anything, then why do you have to do it?Why would you regret not doing it?

You have no idea how sorry I am that I had to hurt you.?And I didn't know that was going to be the decision until I said it.? But it just struck me all of a sudden.? That was the reason.? That was the reason for everything.

I feel like a horrible selfish person, but at the same time I know it was the right decision.? Because otherwise it would be dishonest.? The reason I feel like shit is not because of the decision, but because I let you get hurt.

I know I have to let you deal with this in your own way.? I'm here though, if you need me.??I'm always here as your best friend.

<3 Your Duckie

?

Zax::: he better make u fuckin happy

Save From profile:

It's also really annoying when girls are obsessed with designers and stores and shopping and associate themselves with their favorite designer, even subjecting us to designer influenced screen names. For example,
"AbercrombieBabe" "HollisterBaby" "LouieVittonChic" "GucciGal4EvA" "DiorDarling" etc.  I mean, come on.

[Oh, and when boys do this it is even more gay. i.e. "ArmaniBoii" or better yet, "ArmaniPiMp".]

Its really hard to describe our relationship.  It's just so different... and I don't know if you've ever connected with someone like this before. But with him... there isn't any need for explaination. He listens and he understands and sometimes he understands just by listening to the silence. He always knows. He just... gets me. And I get him. and sometimes I'll say something reeeally random and he'll be like, "woah... I was just thinking about that". That happens all the time. We're just connected. And communication and understanding is what is lacking in most relationships. That is what causes the bad ends like you and Sofie had. But we connect, And therefore we will always be.

Or not.

But these games are a waste of time.  I don't want to waste time.  But when you play those games I don't know what to do and it wastes time being confused.  And being confused makes me upset.  It just overwhelms me.

All the words I cannot use.

All the things I shouldn't do.

All the tears I want to cry.

All the times I have to lie.

All the love that I hold back.

All the nights we painted black.

Does it have to be like that?

Is it worth it?

Friday Rick came over in the morning and we went on this reeeally long amazing bike ride all over Itasca and it was the most gorgeous day. And then we went to this forest preserve and he'd like stop and kiss me sometimes or just hold me or touch me?and it was just too adorable. and then we sat by this pond and laid down and we were lying there in the sunshine and it was so gorgeous and then ...we pretty much both ended up naked at one point. and then we were kind of just laying there...
and it was just the most amazing feeling in the world. and he would just look at me for the longest time and be studying my face... and i just kept thinking i wanted to be there with him forever.

then like a little later we were making out and we kind of stopped and Rick looks over and he's like, "umm... there's a fisherman over there" !!! so we put our clothes on and left. and it was pretty embarrassing. but we were both just laughing. and then we waved to him before we rode away. and he waved back.

Zax: I think the real reason I'm a night person is cause I stay awake waitin for something, that never happens, and then don't care to start the next day.

Books I must read:

Kite Runner

Lovely Bones

Clockwork Orange

The Good Earth

Memoirs of a Geisha

[what else?]

To whom it may concern,

What would you do if you lost me?

?

?

sincerely,
me.

?

The best feeling in the world is when you watch the sunset until the very last tiny miniscule beam of light has faded behind the horizon.? You can't take your eyes off it, in fear of losing it too fast.?Afterwards where ever you look you can still see that tiny gleam of light.?

& you just can't get the sun out of your eyes.

Photograph by me.

They convince us time and time again...

?

beautiful mystical

eva subrema raba.? It gets harder every time.

?

?

I'm going to be me again! It's such a good feeling. I mean, I think I'm back. My soul is back.

I think. I really hope this last. Please, please let this last. Let me be happy.
Just let me be happy for a while.

I need to start working out. playing guitar. singing. loving. talking to people again. making friends again.

Caring again.

I also need to work on somethings. Communicating better. Just being a better person. Winning people over again. Everyone hates me now. At school I mean. That pretty much sucks. Whatever. I'll get over it. Just make new friends.

I just want to go work out.

<3 Duckie

Name coming soon...

Tonight was beautiful.

I liked the way I felt.
& not just because of that new factor.
I like the people I'm with. 

<33333
Duckie

Mary Wanna?

Woah. Worst unintentional reference ever:
"This reminds me of Frankenstein. The part where he rips her heart out"

What?

Me: ??? 

None of my friends read.... ?

But I have to. Or I'll go crazy. I have to know.

I don't want to rush things, I just don't want to get hurt again.

I can't trust anymore.

I get too much advice from everyone. Who is right?

& Who are you??

That's it. I'm giving him an ultimatum.

He needs to tell me how he feels. I need to know where this is going. I need to prepare myself. And I must bring this up sometime in the next 10 days. Yes. That is my deadline. We'll see if I make it.

I will ask him, "What am I to you?". And if he says, "I don't know",

I will tell him, "Well that's just not good enough".

& that's it. This is my game now. No room for other players.

<3 me.

Woah. So today I had a half day. And my mom is a mentor for this little girl at Benson Elementary (in 2nd grade). So today I went with her to eat lunch with her and Makayla (I wish I could spell...). Going back to Benson [or Washington, as it was name when I went there] was just the most amazing feeling. Do you know how it feels when you go back somewhere that holds so many memories for you after a really long period of time? Well I got that feeling. It was just so bizarre to be walking through those hall that I used to know so well, and getting all those feelings rushing back to me. Like just the feeling of walking down the empty halls going to the pretty colored bathroom. The calm of the hallways. The spirit of the made-by-child artwork and writing hung up all over the school.

Remembering doing the exact same projects 8 or 9 years ago. It's been EIGHT YEARS SINCE 2ND GRADE. It's been NINE YEARS SINCE 1ST GRADE. Nine! Since when have there been nine year of my life? This just hit me. 9 years of my life since 2nd grade. What have I accomplished since then? A lot, but not much. Nine years. They say a cat has nine lives. In second grade we had numbers. I was number nine. When we hatched chicks in the incubators, they were also numbered. Although Mrs. Reuter told us the numbers didn't matter [the number of the chick had nothing to do with our numbers] we all knew that was our chick. We identified with those numbers. Chick number 9. Mrs. Reuter called him Lucky #9. That made me feel special [even though it wasn't "my chick"...we all knew it was]. She painted his toenails pink. This was my chick with pink toenails.

Eight years. Eight has always been my favorite number. I'm not sure why. I think I just liked the way that it's shaped. Or that 2 and 4 go into it so evenly. It's so balanced to me. 4 and 4. 4 for you. 4 for me.

Sometimes it is 8 and 4. Sometimes just 8. When we were learning multiplication tables, my teacher told us a story about 4 and 8. She drew a picture of 4 and 8 in a desert and 4 was a cactus and 8 was a snowman. So Cactus Four says, "I'm thirsty" and Snowman Eight (who apparently has a lisp, but she left that part out as not to offend anyone) says "I'm thirty two" [as in thirsty too. But thirty two]. Oh yes, it's really quite clever. And to this day, that is how i remember 4x8.

Remembering feelings. days. experiences. memories. All in a second grader. I realized how young I was back then, and how much was going through my head as a kid. I knew what I wanted back then.

Now more about this girl, Mikayla, if that's even how you spell it. I liked her. She reminds me of me at her age. Well I'm actually not sure what I seemed like to other people (I wonder about that sometimes) but she thinks the way I do. She's pretty hilarious. My mom was talking about how she has a Cat in the Hat costume. & when she said this Mikayla turns around and looks at me with her eyes all big and she's making this little-girl grimace and says, "Were you embarrassed??" in this horrified way. It was so funny I wanted to hug her. She drew a picture of a whale named Mimi and she gave it to me. I think that's quite funny, because at her age...I would have named a whale Mimi. I drew her a picture of a Unicorn which she named Angel. I thought that was kind of like naming a dworf, Elf. But that's not the point.

Afterwards we talked to my old 2nd grade teacher, Mrs. Reuter. She is just the way I remember her. Maybe a few more lines around the eyes, but in my head she's still the pretty young teacher who read us The B.F.G. or maybe Mrs. Lauer read us that. I wish I could remember. Either way, she read to us. I <3 Mrs. Reuter. I miss Mrs. Harrigan. She's in Michigan now. I think she had a real effect on my life. So anyways, Mrs. Reuter told me that Kelly (her daughter) is minoring in music therapy at Elmhurst. She told me about it, how it's this untraditional kind of therapy that uses music and I thought it sounded wonderful. I'm seriously considering this for the future. Priority #1= Start playing guitar again. Wait no, that's #2. Priority #1=TUNE guitar! I felt really happy about this new discovery. I really did. I may know what I want to do with my life. & that is nothing to scoff at. [I've always wanted to use that phrase].

<3 Duckie