I am back to looking for work, on my own choice again. I could not handle the mental anguish of the previous position. I am just still to fragile. Thought it was the survey itself, but then thought it was the call center work. I have been in a crippling depression again. Sleeping a lot, feeling sick, having spasms again. Although I have started my meds again. Small victory, I found them. 

He's been attentive. Communicating, being affectionate and helpful. And I keep wondering when I'm gonna screw up and start another fight. Trying to just keep my insecurities to myself. Calm. I'm not myself.

I wonder what persona I'm showing. What part of me I'm letting him see. What parts of me I'm still trying to hide. What parts of me I want to keep from him now. I know the pain I went through. I don't want those scars, but they are there. And some days, like today, I feel a fresh cut. Its not him. I see him, and I think about all the things I never knew. I think about the deception and the lies. I think about what a fool he played me to be. I think about how much I want him to suffer for making me suffer because he never really thought he'd lose me. I know what I have to offer, but God help me I love him. I know he is making honest effort, but I still need to find a way to let myself trust him again. 

I have vowed to myself to let the past be in the past. I am no fool though. I know he will think about it the next time some girl comes up to him in a bar. Like the night before Kara was born and he stuck his dick in some unknown chick. 

He sleeps on the bed as I type. And I wonder for a moment if I made the right choice. 

What persona is he showing me? A man can never really change, can he? Its funny how they say you fall in love with your father. He is just as much a womanizer as he is. Just as much a sex addict as he is. Just as much a disappointment in some respects. 

I am doing great with managing my time though, spending it with the girls, having a date night with him, job hunting or working depending on the week. Its Thanksgiving this week. I managed to skate by Abby's birthday on the 4th without too much of a major hiccup. Lost her 7 years ago. Xavier's birthday is Tuesday and it'll be 9 years. I've been trying so hard to keep it together, and I know I've been falling apart at the seams. 

I am grateful for my family. I am grateful for all the support. I am happy he has decided to try this, although I hope he can be what I need him to be. Understandably, if he cannot I hope he realizes that I must do what I need to do for me. I am glad the girls get to see their father, as they need him to be in their lives. He is a wonderful dad. He is a good friend, and a great lover to many others. 

We just don't know how to be together anymore. Its sad. Or maybe, I just don't know how to be with him anymore. Sometimes we sit and smoke outside and I sit in silence. At times I feel like I'm checking up on my teenage son. There are many times I wonder just what he is thinking and wonder whom he is thinking about. The Couple or Her? I try not to ponder and put ideas in my head because I'm not that obsessive. 

Have I been talking smack to him? Yes, in a playful way. Do I wonder sometimes if he takes me seriously? Yes. Do I wonder if he thinks this is really a good idea? Sometimes. Do I wonder if he is just biding time before the next girl drops her pants in front of him? Of course. But I have decided to forgive the past. I did not say 'Forget the Past'...

First off, training the first day was rough. My brain skipped a few words while reading to the class on the microphone. Embarrassing, but survivable. Day 2 was better. Feeling the crunch now, as with any new job there is some nervousness. Only a few more days until I hit the phones. Hit the phones running! Hoping I can manage my stress good enough to do my job. Its emotional, and I'm emotional. Hard to keep distant even if it is just data. Keeping my head in the game.

Think I will like aspects of what I am doing. Think I will dislike some aspects. But that comes with every job. 

He's out looking for jobs. Finished work on his resume, approvable, and sent a copy to my recruiter at GRI. Who knows what will happen now.

We are communicating better, in general. He's taking a lot of the parenting role again, which is helpful with work and school. I still admit my doubts, my insecurity, and I understand I will continue to have the doubt for a while. Its not a switch I can just turn off. Not after years of betrayal. 

Apparently, like most things, hadn't even realized he had a 'song' for me. That was interesting. Or maybe that was another part I blocked out because there were things I blocked out to manage the pain I had felt. Even good things that went with the bad so I could detach myself from feeling for a while. 

I love him. Trying to trust him. Trying to open myself up to him as he has been doing with me. How do I know he is honest? I don't. Does it kill me that I can't see inside his head, monitor him 24/7, and trust him not to lie to me again? Yes. But I forgave, and I know I will never forget. He seems to have a better respect for me, although part of me wonders if it is all an act. Its the part of me that doesn't believe him. Its the part of me that feels he's just using me. Its a small part of me that sees what happened happening again. I don't regret my choices. I hoped he would see the err in his ways and He has said his apologies. 

I'm scared if I trust him too soon he won't change. Scared that if I smother him, it'll chase him. I like the honesty. I like the open dialogue. But I also know we all have limits. I am realistic. I AM TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE! There is no going back. Its all or nothing baby. All or nothing.

fall backward today. better mood. lol. read more of my book, debating day plans and sippin some cofffee. yum, and thanks Jim for making coffee. i needed it. in a sweater sitting doing nothin, again enjoying my last daya *smiles* i hope to get back on track this week with bed times, school, and kids routine... tho i will be worrking until ten pm. leavving that up to him to handle. i gotta let go and try not to control. hard when i have now been conditioned to do it all myself. 

i seemed pretty busy today and feel that i accomplished close to nothing. he was out job searching, i hid in the room. sometimes i just need to not be down there. or around. the girls were around. i took time prepping school work and took breaks to play with them, hide and seek, play dough, etc. ffixed breakfast lunch and dinner, and he helped with chores as i asked. i appologize for the many typos in the posts as of late. i have been typing thru my android phone and its tempermental, to say the least. think i just over came the most recent of bugs with it, though i know its a bidaily issue lastely. i am hoping that with how many applications i have in with Rex, WakeMed and Duke I will eventually get a call about something! i watched an interresting movie with jim but he fell asleep right after. i find tho i was a bit uncomfotable looking him in the eye. almost made me wanna cry, which was odd. passing moment. simple things like holding his hand is nice, but again, the romance aspect frightens me. i will be blunt for a moment and say that the sex has been just sex lately because its not like we even kiss, or anything really. its just basic and done. i suppose it does its duty and its over, not sure even how i feel about that either. not worth mentioning i guess. not like it matters. by 2am there is at least one kid in our bed and by 7 i may orr may not be sleeping alone in the kids room. not that i am mad at him. i am not. just kicked outta my own bed, played uno with the kids and jim because boredom got the best of me. and i sit here typing in the dark on my cell while he sleeps on the bed. so much of the prospect of fun. i may huddle in the closet later. *sigh* its just me being me. dont read into that. i have one more free day until i have to start working again. one more day of freedom, uno. i am up, alone at night. one person. uno. lonely and bored. but, whatever. he came home and jerked off after job hunting. so whatever floats his boat. he doesnt need me. lol. then he asked why i told him no blowjob tonight. well, he fell asleep anyway. heaven forbid Maya texts me and I have to brush my teeth. good dental hygiene. not like i french him anyway. i think thats been like 5 years. no kidding. or hell, even having his kiss me when we'e making out or foreplay, kissing my neck etc... none of that either. he cant blame me for his lack of effort. he forgets i guess that i am a woman, and maybe romance is what i want. its hard to be romantic with him because i question his motives and its all so new again its like i dont know him. hell, sometimes even when he kisses me unexpectadly closed mouthed i find my heart jumps and my stomach quivers. i know him, and yet i feel like i dont. why do i feel like crying because i dont know the man lying next to me? i like the feelings i am feeling, most of the time. i feel the doubt and i understand the fear. but at the same time... i feel alone. just me. uno. he is trying, and i want to let go, i want to feel free again off the anger and the pain, but those feelings are keeping me in check, they are my balance. they remind me of what kind of hell i dug myself out off since Sept. evvven knowing that he was kissing or attempting to after we had agreed for him to come here. a goodbye kiss, whatever. kiss my ass, yes i was angry. so dont be mad that there are things i am not saying about my life during the separation. i never know what he is thinking, who he is texting, what he is doing 24/7 and i think i am ok with that because even though therre are those doubts as there would inevitably be after all i have been through, and i find strength in knowing i have this distance rright now. i would love to fall in love with him again. i would love to let his pain go and feel free with him, but reality wont allow it. i hold onto the notion that my scars make me stronger. i love him, yes. i dont need him, i know. but i choose him, i do. marriage? honestly not even thinking that far now. i dont know his real intentions. i am just trying to get to know him again. reacclimate myself to a stranger that i have been living with forr over ten years. he is the father to my four children, and the only man i think i may everr love so deeply, but as i get to know myself again during this time i also get to know him. i am concentrating on my emotional well being. my maturation. my needs and desires, and of course those of our children, i am glad he has chosen to take part in this life. but i know that we are all born into this life alone and we will die alone. one. uno.

i havent posted in a while for a lot of reasons. He has been here now since Oct 23rd. i have been adjusting. he has been adjusting. i am letting go but its not easy starting new afterr being so vulnerable. i am damaged. he asks me why i'm quiet. i used to push him forr answerrs when he was quiet. now he is asking me. am i distant? i am not the one sifting through his phone. i have nothing to hide. i am no possession and i am honest. i love him. he is trying. he is making honest efffort. he is making goals and i am trying hard to trrust him. i do not want him to pull the wool overr my eyes. how can he expect me to put down my guard? he has not been vulnerable to me. exposed, naked for lack of better terminology. going through his phone, sifting through computerr files, reading his emails and text messages... none of it would make me feel better. why does that thought enter my mind? it is not a natural thought for me. i trust him, right? i am hurt, and to forgive means to learn to trust. i allowed him to come back. i have been happy with him. i am happy w/ him. the kids are happier, but i find i am better too. i am on my second job in NC. i tend to let my anxiety and depression let me make rash decisions. i see me leaving this job soon too. now that i am thinking more clearly. It is 11:56pm and Liv is reading me a story. my digestive system is killing me and I need to go. 

i havent posted because i didnt know what else there was to say... and my laptop sucks. not to mention i am only on here because of my phone, so my appostrophies dont work. boohoo.

i will take the ten hr drive to Terra because she needs the support, and i care about her. its hard hearing her in pain and although i cant take away her pain, i can give her a hug. she is like a sister to me, its the least i can do.

i also feel, a bit, um, wow...  i am at a loss for words. i am missing... 

i cant wait on life. im growing impatient. i understand the implications, but sometimes... if you want something bad enough its worth standing on a few chairs to shout. 

i am not sure how i feel about the other contract job ill interrview for Thurs. its a contract job Nov-Feb part time evening and weekends, following up a previous study with people who lived 6-7blocks from the World Trade Center... i like the psychology aspect, and understand that although this was, is, and will always be a touchy subject....i chose behavioral science to help people. although this had nothing to do with school, this is the type of research i would to be a part off some day.

i am a passionate individual. i think that sometimes the hardest things we do involve things that make us uncomfortable. 

i cannot sit an hope that Mr. will tell me his feelings. I have complications, and I know hesitance. I also discovered that on my Android phone if I am blogging I need to HOLD the shift key to capitalize my letters or hold the ALT key to use special characters. Hooray for ingenuity!

i like... him. but i will not admit it. i also dont want to fall prey to someone else. sometimes we grow closer to friends in times of need and find us questioning. i can count my blessings though. there are reasons that things happen the way they do. i am just a pretty picture on the net and some words jotted on a page. i want to be more than that. but, I guess I'm too vulnerable right now to think clearly. 

It is 4:11ish (as my zero button is not working to type 4:O8... lol, I suppose I can close my eyes and see if I can gather any more rest. I guess what people look for in a relationship differs, I just wanted an emotional connection and companionship. And some day, I want a man to think I'm worth a fuss. I guess, that ends my recap... at 4:11am.

Update on Terra's Grandma... This news is a few days old now... She was sent home, bone cancer. No hospice care. They are letting her enjoy quality of life now as there is nothing more they can do. The platelet replacements were not working, so they are letting her die enjoying whatever food she wants to eat surround by her loved ones at home. Terra's Dad came in from CO. She asked me to come up. I wish I could know for sure, I would. She's my best friend. Her Grandma raised her, much like Grandpa was a pivitol person in my life, her Grandma was that to her. 

She needs the support right now, and I still have not heard about orientation. I received an email, but no official phone call to confirm date and time for work. I already asked for the weekend off in advance.

The girls act like they just had an IV of sugar. Wow! 

Mary will likely be visiting the 3rd week in December, the week before Xmas! 

The realtor asked finally, again, for the paperwork regarding the house. BOA said I have to have the realtor contact them to close out the HAFA Short Sale and apply for the Traditional Short Sale. Ugh, confusion. I've had issues with this since August. Not to mention I had issues with them Jan - May with the same paperwork, Making Home Affordable Program. I'm just done with it.

2 more weeks of classes, and a 10 page paper to write. Gotta work on that later.

Forgot to put the pictures in the mail, oops. Guess they will go out tomorrow.             

Glad the weekend is over, but I just have trouble buckling down. Car insurance is paid, waiting on the rebate for the cell bill.   

I love my girls... but...  Their screaming! Ugh.


On the parting note-I did almost set off the smoke detector when I burned an angus burger for dinner. lol. Oops.  

So I've been leary. And with good reason. I will let it go though. Let it go so I can have a future. Let it go so I can try to be happy. 

I am slowing gathering momentum. 

Losing weight, which is good, and eating healthier which is better! Down 2 pants sizes since I moved down in September, but I still have a long way to go. Not for anyone else, but for me. I need to watch my weight so I can be healthier for me, and so I can be around for the kids. Its not about being sexy for someone else. I decided I'm worth it. I admittedly let myself go.

I haven't always thought I was pretty, or beautiful... and its hard being depressed and having a low self esteem. Its easy to find comfort in food... but it was also easier to deal with the depression laying down. I understand people get depressed different ways. Each individual manages their depression in different coping techniques. I used to run. When I was in college, I wasn't super thin... but I was healthy. And I ran off my depression, my anger, my hatred... and I managed my self-esteem through drugs. When I decided to sober up and clean up, I moved. I stopped running. I gotta get back into the habit. Or well, at least walking or bicycling. lol

It feels good to make some time for me and buying those pants today made me feel great! Fitting better around the waist and legs, but grr... gotta work on the pouchy stomach and jelly rolls. It'll all come off in time. *Smiles* New goals, New Leaf. New Life!

This weekend is sure to bring in more surprises! Hoping for some positive changes and my heart is renewed.

Friday! 

Saturday we're having a small gathering for Kara's birthday, which isn't until next week. 

I'm still waiting for a phone call, I've been waiting since yesterday. *sigh* I guess we'll see what happens.

I hope I get the orientation information by Monday next week! Hoping to start there by end of next week.

Terra's grandma is in the hospital. Kidney failure and coughing up blood. Prayers go out to her. She's 82. ((hugs Terra)) She has enough on her plate with immigration and court dates next week, and this is another stress. Hoping things work out for the best.

I dislike waiting for calls! Grr.

Wow, that call... that text, totally through me for a loop. 

Heart don't fail me now. 

Talked with Maya, of course. That was the first long distance call I made from the home number since I got here! Hahah, Was definitely worth the effort. Went to BJs to get food, waiting for Liv to get home, do homework, then gotta run to Burlington. Have to do some clothes shopping. I need Khaki's and red dress shirts (not sheer or t-shirts). Excited to have a new job!

How am I doing? That was not a question I had expected. And not one I gave a real answer to either. I hadn't expected... Should I be concerned? How are you dong?

I am still healing from the pain. I am in a good place right now. Am I ready? I haven't spoken to you like that in.... Are we friends? I can't figure out what we are anymore.

I can't set myself up for failure. I don't want to fail. What are your intentions?

*sigh* Logic, don't fail me now. I have a road ahead of me. I have just overcome a hurdle and I see a few paths in front of me. I will not check list the pros and cons because I honestly cannot fathom what each path has in store. I can hope I choose the right path. Does the right path choose me?

Something was off with me last night. Feeling the energy rise and fall, I accept that which the Goddess has given and that which the God has taken away. 

I have let a part of me die. Accepted and moved on. Sometimes in the death a new organism can grow, but is that a seed of bitterness or a seed of understanding?