Its been a while...

Hello my friend.

I appologize for my absence and plead your understanding.

Its been a while because there's been so much, without the words or time in which to express recent events.

He's had a job, For a little over two weeks helping an pending-in-law in NJ. Off this week and hopefully just until the first of the month. Horray. I'm estatic, it's a job and income, and a little bit of security.

I'd like to think it's helping, even though the cost of everything else is increasing. Asi es la vida. Only so much complaining one can do about things when it's out of my control. It's a supply and demand kind of world. I'm just over the income bracket for a lot of aid. Lucky though that I did get the grand from the hospital for the $13k+ I owed that the medicaid step down program wouldn't cover. Although recently got a letter from a lawyer about the tests (radiology) bills from March. I called about 3 months ago with my medicaid information and apparantly the office didn't do their job. I'll handle that when I have the time to call. You know lawyers, only open 9-5 M-F. I'll call next week.

The kids are growing so fast. Both up late at night recently. I'm less strict I think when their father's home. I had Kara Shae going to bed at 8:30-9:00pm every night (she's an early riser at about 5:30-6:00am) and Liv to bed between 9:30-10:30pm depending on the movie we watched before bed to wind down (she usually sleeps until I wake her to get ready for the sitters'). Kara Shae thinks Liv is the funniest thing. Wants to play with her and touch her, and Liv won't give her the time of day besides complaining that her sister is touching her. Kara isn't really crawling yet. She's pulling herself using her arms, but doesn't quite get her chub-a-lub legs under her. I'll have to put a picture of the girls on here, a recent one so you can see my little precious natural disasters. I say that in the most loving way. They love to play and I love to play with them, but the living room and Liv's bedroom look like a tornado ran through the house. *smiles* Liv's pretty good with trying to help clean up, when she's in the mood.

Liv was singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star last night and I couldn't help but almost cry. Its the little things that satisfy me sometimes. She's a darling. She doesn't know all the words, but she gets through the whole song. Some words are still hard for her, seeing she's not yet 3. But she does the best she can and I love her for trying. I have to encourage her growth and it's wonderful to see her try. She's such a shy girl normally, I'm glad to see her so free sometimes.

Kara is a ball. Her fuzzy little blonde head. Her chubby little physique. She's so curious and laid back most of the time. She's happy rolling around on the floor and watching her sister play. Hearing her laugh is unbelievable. I am so blessed with these little two little girls. I can't wait until Kara's a little older to play more with her big sister. We play now, but it's limited do to her age, but Pat-A-Cake is one of her favorites. Both kids love to sit and hear Mom read a story. Very attentive.

Father's day morning 2 trees fell in the yard between my house and the neighbor's house. Luckily Jim had already torn down the roof of the back porch otherwise there would have been more damage. Hopefully the contractor hired to remove the trees will come today, it's been raining this week so it's been put off. It missed the main house structure. about 3-4 more inches and it would have ended up in Kara's room (where she was sleeping) and through the kitchen. We were very lucky. The recent thunderstorms have had lots of trees down in NY. The neighbor's house was barely missed too. Unforetunately we haven't had a chance to get the zoning map to see who's property the trees are on. We're splitting the cost of the contractor for the tree removal.

At work I'm only at 26% sales. It's better than last month. I'll keep working on it, but I'm not sweating the small stuff. Missed Tai Chi again this week. Too tired after work and Liv wanted to play. How can I say no to that little girl when she says, 'Mommy p-ay me.' It's been 3 weeks since I've gone, but according to Sis we didn't miss much. I'll have to start practicing again at home what we've learned so far so the next time I go I won't have forgotten everything.

Neice is 12. Wow. Can't believe it's been that long, she's responsible, intelligent, beautiful. She's great with the girls and I appreciate her enthusiasm to see them.

I have to go now, Kara is up and wants to play. Thanks for reading. Thanks for your patience and for always beeing there. Thank you for taking time out of your day for me.

As per my usual. I've been absent trying to sort my priorities and start to feel like a normal person again. I try to smile. Try to be happy. Try to feel calm. I love my children, but it's not been easy this year. It's only May, and I can't say it's been smooth sailing. As nothing in my life ever is. Tai Chi has helped me learn to focus. I've discovered I can try and be a person other than a mother to my children. I can try and have friends again, and feel comfortable in my own skin. Its hard. I lack the confidence I had. I lack the *deep breath* love of life I thought I once knew. I'm a sparkling wonderful human being and I radiate when I have self-pride. I'm learning to trust. Learning that I can close my eyes and not have a burning smoldering hell in front of me. It's taking time to feel again. I have been stressed, and trying to care for myself. Drowning myself in household obligations, trying to just get by day by day. I'm on new meds, and i'm letting them work. i'm letting this try. i'm letting myself go. *sigh* i have been broken, and healing is taking longer than i thought. longer than i would like. but it's progress all the same. as long as it's not regression, it's progress all the same.

And can i say, i hate when my friends are mistreated. i'm leaving it at that. i promised not to say more. i love her but i hate to see her hurt. as i know she feels the same. i just hope he's worthy of your devotion. i can tell you i don't care for a man who keeps you on the rear burner. who isn't willing to shout from the rooftops how much he loves you.

and i want to say hello to an old friend. it's was nice seeing you today. and i realized just how much i missed you L. you brought a smile to my lips. and a sad song played in my heart, but i remembered things about life i've lost over the years.

i've remembered i used to be someone. i can also say i'm glad to meet up again now that i'm in a different stage in my life then i was back then. it makes me realize that although experiences do change people, and time also motivates changes, i am still, at heart, the same person i have always been.

Had surgery yesterday (laperscopic), was at Wilson from 11:30am to 8:25pm when was finally discharged. After recover room, back to ambulatory surgery and they rush you the hell out of the hospital whether you like it or not. Wow.

Vicodin well, generics at home seem to take the edge off, but can't expect my full pain to disapate. MetLife asked what part of my job I can't do right now, pretty much any of it. I know it's sitting, not lifting, but I'm in pain the meds make me drowsy and nausiated. I have a followup with the surgeon next Thursday. Who knows if I'll get paid for this week, at least I'll have a job.

Some people are able to return to work in a few days after surgery, I'lll see how I progress. It's more than a discomfort at this time, its definately painful. Sis has had the kids last night and tonight since I still need some time to recoup. Liv came and slapped me on the abdomin early today because I was napping (meds kicked in) Dad was on the puter downloading music and she wanted attention. I screamed and cried, crying just aggrivated my stomach further. Ugh. She had time out. She understands Mom has a booboo on her belly, but when she wants attention, it's all out the door.

Gotta run. I need to rest. Just wanted to post so ya'll know I'm okay. I'm healing.