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Journal about motherhood, working, and everyday life. Dealing with the balance of life and depression... as well as making difficult decisions.
I've written under several names, Gabriel's Daughter, Linaklutz, Olivia's Mommy... it does not matter what name I use, it's still the same. Welcome to the DarkLight Abyss.
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Well, I was sick last week with a stomach bug, great way to spend the night into Valentines Day, 4 year old puking, then myself... then sick for 2 days. Nice holiday from work Monday turned out to be. Went into work late Tues, felt better Wed into Thurs, then again with the stomach bug on Fri and Sat. Always seems to hit harder the second time around. Why is there that 'okay' time in the middle to tease you?! Can't pull the drive or desire to get back to normality. Can actually keep food down, though queasy. Morale isn't the best motivator to return, nor is the attendance disciplinary program step I'm on now. Feeling like my Effexor just isn't doing the job. Maybe I need a supplement to the anxiety meds. Starting again with the panic attacks at night, not sleeping well, and then wanting to lay in bed all day because I can't get myself to move. Its fatigue. I just want to cry. Like someone is standing on my chest, keeping me from wanting to breathe right. i have a few clarity free moments with the kids where i almost feel alright, and then, I just want to scream and hide. How can I escape my reality? i am thankful i have a job, though stressful. the benefits are great, the people i work with are decent, the job sucks, the pay is manageable. i want to quit, run into a pit of fire sometimes, but it pays the bills and provides. i am thankful for that. i am grateful for the opportunity. i am thankful i have healthy happy children, though spoiled because i lack the backbone to say no. i lack the desire to see then cry. i lack the disciplinary skills. i am thankful they are the reason i do get out of bed, despite my overwhelming lack of interest in life. to say i'm depressed would be an understatement, but what can i do about it. i lack the desire or drive to even call the doctor to have him help, maybe prescribe something like abilify ot something to help with the edge. i lack the care to even keep myself off the attendance disciplinary step knowing the consequences. more apathy. i used to cut, not for the relief of the emotional pain, though that was what it started it, but it ended up that I cut myself just to feel something. i don't want to get that bad again. i am optimistic I will get through this. i need to lift the weight off my chest, i need to do some meditation and cleanse away my apathy. i can visualize the shower head dropping rain drops down from my hair, dripping down my face, onto my shoulders, past my body, soaking in a bath beneath my feet and feeding down the drain-away, away from me. leaving me with a comforted warmth, a relief, a revitalizing feeling that I can open my eyes, take a deep breathe, and face the day ahead. i need to do this exercise in my mind several times a day. i need to get back into Tai Chi so I can get the focus. I did a lot of meditation when I practiced Wicca, I have since strayed from religion. I have strayed from myself. |
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