I was really aggrivated yesterday.  Beyond aggrivated - beyond words I can describe.  Infuriated further than I have ever been.  I gave him 1 month.  One month to decide what he wants and to straighten up his act.  I even acknowleged the fact that I have given him too much sliding room in the past and forgave him when I should not have.

As I have previously stated, I've been well overstressed.. to the point that I think it is a major contributing factor to my on-going health issues.  I'm not even 25, have lost 2 childen to preterm labor, may have a serious systemic health condition like lupus (etc) that I will get final results on in say 2 weeks, have high BP, am admittedly depressed and overweight... and He does not seem to help the situation.

I don't like to make demads, but for the life of my child I believe We both should strive to improve.  I work a decent enough job, good pay, benefits, hours can need some adjusting, and the customers could use some brain transplants... but what do I expect working at a call center.  People not to call in on their cell phones about their car insurance while they're driving their vehicle? 

I believe that we should both pitch in.  I believe that I try too hard on my own, enough to be confident that if need be I can raise her on my own.  I believe that if he cared enough about his/our daughter he wouldn't smoke indoors or around her period.  I believe that if he cared/respected me he would pitch in with the household chores.  I believe he would do something other than play on the computer all day or on the PS2.  I believe that he could find a better job if he strived for it, but he is fighting for more/better hours.  I believe that if he cares enough about me, our child, and our situation he will change.

I have given him enough chances, but I don't want to take away his daughter.  I gave him the chance to change, have given him a deadline, and advised the consequence.  We (Olivia and I) wil be leaving in 1 month if things do not improve.  I need a conscious effort.  I have always hated the idea of a separation, partly because I fear being alone and I've been comforted by the years I have been with Jim... but some part of me knows he can be a better man.  He just doesn't want to change.  He can be a great father, when he isn't smoking and playing games.  He can be a great partner, when he thinks he needs to woo. 

I can step it up for my daughter.  I can be a great mother to her because I know what is lacking in mine.  I can be a great role model for her by respecting myself first and now allowing either one of us to be treated unjustly.

Dare I hold my breath?  Or will I just be disappointed and pass out?